~New Year~

~New Year~
not knowing who we are till breaking
falling apart at the seams
mind always racing with thoughts

questions of self and loathing
failing every goal set forth
hating what Ive become

not knowing who you are till its too late
passing that point of no return long ago
failing, hating,crying, dying inside

smiling is harder everyday glued in place
the mask is slipping away with the tears
shattering with recognition of self

not knowing who we are till we've broken
as the pieces lay throw across the floor
a mirror of the deceptive lies we've told and believed

~Split Family~

Perfect family always happy
broken always down the middle
a hidden war raging under the surface

smiles flashing around everyone
yelling and screaming in the void of home
never ending circle of facades

happiness only in public
hidden tears rolling down
music loud enough to drowned it out

perfect family always loving
hugs and love seen in your eyes
threats and insults in my safe place

no scars to prove the anger
hidden mind that never speaks
perfect child hidden in the room

Pointless apologizes and promises
damage not able to to be repaired
love beyond all swallowed by anger

Perfect family split in two
right down the middle
leaving the crying child to linger in between

talking till im tired

I should sleep, but i cant or maybe its wont. I'm not sure of why i cant sleep. I'm excited for My trip, maybe that's whats keeping me up. I miss Cole already and wish we would have had more time just hanging out. I wish he would just not be so shy, but at the same time i like that shyness. Its all so confusing. I wish he was online right now. I really do have allot to say to him without fear that I'll run into him when i leave my room an turn bright red. He hugged me for the first time on Weds. It was kinda stiff an stuff but i think we were both a bit awkward, which is sad. He gave me the most awesome gift though! He got my Montey Python and the holy grail ^_^ way awesome and sweet in the sense that we had talked about it and i had said that i had a need to watch it eventually and he actually listened, that's something new in my life. I wonder if when we stopped hugging i was bright red... i felt like i was =( i hope not because weal i blush to much. My minds being way complicated. I don't know why its doing that too. I woner what I'm supposed to consider him. I mean were not like BF/GF really... i guess its just complicated, hmmm, that's sounds about right complicated is probably the best word for my life and situations and all that. I got a C in Marine Geology. It maes me sad that i couldn't get a better grade. Maybe if someone would have been a bit More helpful or there had been a bit more understating about my Uncles death and me missing classes for it. But the what ifs are over know considering that i got the C in the class. I'm happy i passed i just, whatever . I want to know my math grade and world societies grade.I hate waiting for grades its nerve racking! I'm excited for my trip, i think already said this. I'm going to Puerto Vallarta for 7 days. I get to sit on a beach int he sun and trun tan and relax and do nothing. I don't get to be yelled at to clean my room, do chores, wake up early if i don't want to, feel pressured to be perfect. Maybe that's why i feel so great around Cole he has no expectations of me that he has made known at least. i want to go walk the beach right now and clear my head but A) Cole i like 2 hrs away B) Im at home and thst not kool with my parents (the whole taking off at midnight) C)its raining.... im tired now im gonan go count sheep till i sleep

failing life

Why do i let myself get fixated on stuff? i don't know and i wish i did. how long can one person go asking the question, "what am i doing wrong in this?" I wish i could just ask straight out, but being me I'm too terrified of the answer to ask the question. Courage is a trait i lack, as much as people say otherwise. I need courage more than i need my useless fears. I fear rejection the most right now. How long can he like me? it only too a few months for the last one to get bored with me and as much as id like to say it was his fault i know its mostly my own. I'm not meant i have happiness for long periods of time. I learned my lesson with being happy for a long time; it was just a one big lie. How do you lie to yourself? oh its SOP easy! being delusional all the time makes life so much easier, but the long you go with the lies the harder your mind pushes the truth forward and its hurts more and more till you break. I cant break right now, i cant handle reaching that point and all the questioning is hard on my poor mind. I probably sound like a crazy person(mainly cuz i am) but also cuz i have a mind that doesn't work in a normal thought process, i uses that's just life for me though. my minds SO full of questions its hard to think even or sleep or eat. i cant function half the time. i know I'm reach in that point where I'm going to break and i just hope that i don't fall apart as bad as i did this summer, i don't have the time to put myself together without failing in some area of life. i guess I've already failed at most of life.. cant hurt too bad to fail even more
::sigh::

~Moon lite Dancer~

~Moon lite Dancer~
moving with sounds no one can hear
sweet melodies rocking my body
twirling in utter joy of life

soft pastels painting my soul
covering a canvas as i move
smiling to the heaven's stars

moonlight softening my path
smooth movements overlapping
moving passing effortlessly

enjoying being lost in the sensation
missing the freedom of flight
the moments of dancing

~Lost to the White~

~Lost to the White~
so confused by this life
living is jest not that important anymore
walking as blank as a brand new canvas
someone paint my life into being
create colors in this black and white sketch
bring life excitement and pleasure
not pain and hate
someone bring me life
hold me tight as i forget to breath
blank as a white canvas in a white room
lost to the implications of sterility
jaded beyond all repair
so confused is my soul
black bleeding white
white bleeding black
battling within but never telling
so confused beyond any return
lost to the sterility of hopelessness

~angle without a halo~

~angle without a halo~
between black and white i wander
in a grey no one knows
lost in my own imagination
void of thoughts

wandering a path set before me
unquestioning undoubted of it
welcoming the silence of my thoughts
pushing forward without vices

blending with the good and bad
unforgiving of my sins
stronger without wanting it
weaker as i don't fight against this

an angle without a halo
a devil with white wings
deceptive smiles and laughs
tears not shed held within me eyes

between black and white i wander
unforgiving of my faults
not living in any form
wanting to live in anyway

~Future in the Stars~

~Future in the Stars~
in the stars lay a future
untested like the deep sea
not tamed like lion
timed as the bird

my destiny lays before me
planned in uncharted waters
laying dormant till I'm called
waiting for the stars to sing

in the stars lays a future
not dark or light in nature
hidden beneath the currents
I'm charted to sail this path unknown

~Fading Away~

~Fading Away~
is it wrong of me to want to ask you what we are?
hiding in the dark far from the answers
blending together without proof an insurgence

am i wrong in wanting you,the whole you?
the one staring at his hands in nervousness
who could easily hold my heart in his

who are you to not make the first move?
making the "what ifs" grow further
making My fear of rejection louder

what can i do to have you see I'm different?
cut out my heart and hand it to you bleeding
dying to touch you in more than just a brush of skin

is it wrong of me to want to ask you what we are?
as you smile your smile and send me melting
waiting for you to tell me what my soul wishes

please i beg as i lie here wanting wishing hoping
tell me of what we are so i don't fade away
holding me close to your heart tell me the truths you know

~Hold me please~

i hold my head high
as tear roll down my cheeks
i did the best i possibly could
as i shook with fright

i hold my head high
as pink stains my cheeks
i tried my hardest never gave up
as i lifted my hand to yours

i hold my head high
as you break my heart slowly
i held back too much
as you let my hand fall

i hold my head high
as proud as any women can be
i followed my heart and dreams
as i felt the pains of love

~song of longing~

I sing my song of longing
Your unknowing ears fall deaf
As my words come out louder
Calling for you to hear them

I sing my song of longing
Knowing you fear its meaning
Implications of things unknown
Singing to draw you to me

I sing my song of longing
While you dance your dance
Jumping leaping away from my words
My song instilling fear and passion

I sing my song of longing
I utter my refrains
You dancing your jig of unknowing
Juggling fear and passion like a sword thrower

I sing my song of longing
As you walk your thin path
Unwilling to move from the middle
Unknowing of my pain

~caught~

~caught~

i sit here crying
blood on my hands
crying to the heavens
for a new chance

i never knew you'd care
couldnt think outside your eyes
lost in your depths of your soul
forgetting who i am

i sit here crying
scars littered over me
reaching for release
wanding to feel

i never knew you'd love me
couldnt pull your lips away
cought in your arms
letting go of reality

i sit here crying
dying inside for you
broeken hearted tears
wanting to fall

i never knew you's break me
couldnt think you hurt me
forgetting who you were
hear left brokenad n bruised

~games~

~games~
you shake me to my core
playing these games with me
unknowing of the things you make me feel

eliciting smiles from my lips
pulling peices of me together
yet leaving me to sit alone

play my heart like you song
slow and sorrowful full of melody
swingin with your tune

taughnting me with slight touches
moving closer to no avail
staring into my eyes to look away

hold my hand instead of looking at it
hug me close instead of dreaming it
love me instead of feeding me lies

~not asking~

~Not asking~
The window to your soul
Closed like the cover of a book
Begging for me to open
Falling into its depths

Eyes drawing feelings I'm scared of
Shining in their warmth
Calling my heart across the table
Lost to your touch

Happiness radiating off of you
Like the rays of the sun on the earth
Rejoicing in you smiles
I'm struck by your beauty

Showing me wonders not known
Adventures gone and in the future
Enticing me to ask you
Can you care for me?

~dream~

~Dream~
I dream of days long past
hurts never healed
fears never shattered

i dream in black adn white
my only color,red
deep and jewel bright like blood

He comes every night in those dreams
waking me in cold sweats
my personal vampire, sucking away my happiness

I dream of his face once beautiful
gone ugly grey and harsh
his lasting words," i'll never let go"

hold my heart as its thumps to its own tune
too scared to close my eyes, but to scared to open them
if only dreams could just never come true

~worth~

~worth~
you mean more than heaven
to me your my rock
the reason i live

you mean so much you could not know
my only push to continue is you
the reason i fight

you mean more than the sky
to me you bring light to my darkness
the reason i strive to be good

you mean more than all the stars
to my dreams you bring meaning
the reason i have hope and faith

you mean more than God
to me you most of my heart
the reason i love you is you

i dont think i handle life... im scared im gonna fall back down my rabbits hole and fail out of school, lost all my friends again, and let myself go to the point to being nothing... If i wish i could take away the pain my uncle is feeling atleast a bit of it... he doesnt deserve to feel the pain. i just want him to have one miracle in his life time and for him pulling out of this and being pain free adn helthy would be so nice... ineed to sleep now

~*tired*~

im tired but not sleepy... my life is full of confusion i guess tomorrows work will help bleh 4 hours till work... i guess im gonn have to suffer...my mind is just too full of stuff to sleep i dont think reading is gonna help either... i want to just talk him... its pathetic but its wahts bothering me the most.. the waht if's are the killers adn he is the largest one... ::sigh:: im happy one way or the other... i just want to know which way i have to be happy.. inbetween is harder than knowing... im pathetic sometimes...

~tired~
blu black cirlces under my eyes
lashes falling steadily down my cheeks
thoughts of you creeping into my mind

exhaustion cant even cure my need to know
half awake dreaming of your face
imagining your arms around me

restlss nights go by an by
string at te ceiling
your presence surrounds me

restless nights leave me longing
swearing that ill sleep
missing your calming voice

shadows growing under my eyes
ever increasing with thesee sleepless nights
couting sheep waiting for you to wake

should i just tell you
cant just wait till i die
terrified of your response

resless nights go by an by
staring at the ceiling
your presence surrounds me

~Newness~

~Newness~
nerves wreck at my stomach
i want to ask the words
so scared i feel like fainting

Heart thumping against my chest
ready to look you in the eyes
words on my lips that die with your smile

wringing my hands
trying not to break unspoken boundries
so hard not to want to kiss you

feeling the beat of the music
moving slowly closer to you with each beat
if only the words would escape my lips

licking dry lips preparing my self for the hurt
wanting to ask you so badly
teriffied of the answers that will come from your purfect mouth
soo terrified of those few words

Don't know

SO I went one date, or rather something very similar to a date. I wish I knew if it was or not... I mean He and I are friends. Should I ruin that part just to find out if my ideas are true or do I just wait and see if we "hang out" on our own again? Gah !!I don't know anymore I do know is that it was a lot of fun! We talked for a long while after the concert and he was saw sweet about trying to open doors and stuff. I keep thinking that I need to just be a bit more aggressive or something but I don't want to ruin the friendship portion of this that I'm scared to do that :: sigh:: always a circle of happy thought to confused. I don't get boys... Their so weird!!! soo yea now I'm putting off writing a paper and talking to my manager at work about my "absence's" since school started. hehe I just gone claim that ivy been sick due to exhaustion by Fridays... Maybe they will finally give me a later time to work on Fridays.... Who knows and cares? Me? No not really... So I love music and the Band I saw last night was pretty awesome, I wish the mic the main singer had would have worked the whole time it was have been nice to hear the lyrics more than the guitars and bass... But it was still awesome ^_^ well laters got work on some stuff >_< HW is icky

~free~

Drifting on waves of voices
basking in the rays from smiles
dancing through thoughts of past talks
radiating pleasure rom your presence
swaying with the tune of rain pouring down
raising my voice with every new note
spinning in this vast happiness
quieting with the growth of a flower
free to be me

~Mistrust~

tearing apart my mind
seeing red with every answer
you want me back
you dont deserve me
did you think you ever did

unshed tears pricking my eyes
bruising finger prints engraved in my mind
you loved me once
you dont now, you cant
did you think i would leave my heart open

years of boiling frustration
pusing forward thoughts of your betrale
you made me promises
you broke thme lon before i broke you
did you expect me to forgive an forget?

~waiting~

i lay sleepless
breath in breath out
your face haunting me
signing into the darkness
i watch the ceiling
eyes open eyes closed
imagining your hugging me close
wrapping my arms to my chest to stay warm
i sit talking to you
laughining eyes twinkling
can you see me there
wanting to be yours and only yours
i lay sleepless
while you sleep above me
peaceful in your dreams
oblivious to my waiting
breath in and open your eyes to me

bitter

i am a bitter sweet person tis a sad true to deal with

~longing~

~longing~
your hands know my body
every curve and dip
with one touch
you elicit more feeling
than anyone ive known

your lips crush mine
in a memorising dance
of soft tenderness
i ache for more everytime

everytime you draw away from me
ur spell if renewed upon m heart
i wnt ot scream for this loning neead
for you to touach me and i you

i want you to mine and i yours
no, i an desepart for that concetion
to feel the sparks flying
and senses melting into oblivion

~self loathing~

~self loathing~
pain so unimaginable
racing like blood in veins
pounding with every beat

tearing at every fiber
like acid poured on skin
sizzling every drop poured

barriers unknown to the world
built of steal and malice
hatred once self unknown

scares left fading on skin
from fingernails dull and tearing
a long unable to be pushed over the edge

let me die here
in a puddle of my own misery
let my love die as the light has from my eyes

~Twisted path~

~Twisted path~
winding swirling are the emotions
floating in currents unsee
warped and pulled and pushed
who knows these voices hear
no one but can understand
they draw me again to you
i fall every time for the wrong story
cinderella never was real
reality is to harsh for faries and love
oh the twisted path my heart is on

Moralitys story

the wise woman told me
fools rush living

the wise man told me
fools fall in love

the foolish woman told me
of fantastic adventures

the foolish man told me
of passion and fire

i am a fool
who rushed living

i am a fool who
feel for the passions of love

scared is the fool who is hurt
the child whispered in your ear

heartbroken is the the wiseman
who never loved a soul

moral is do not rush living
do love, with passion and fire

live freely but do not hurt
love sparingly so as not to fear

and be happy for these lessons
come at no price but to listen to a story

.... fools rush in... i am a fool... a fool for love.. a fool for life.. a fool in general... i lid to myself for ages saying i was in love whiel i was jjust trying to keep from lossing the first person and only person i thought could love me.... then i fall for this wonderful boy... yes boy in comparison to my age... oo young they said well bah imma fall anyways... i fell alright.. i feel right back into a world f uncertainty, moral dilema, and hurt, hell ya the good was great! but the bad was wosrt and hurt three times more... what too do with myself? huh? oh lets wallow in self pity and escape the world.. thus i did.. not caring who i hurt in the prosses... mainly i hurt myself.. but i also hurt others... i hurt ppl with harsh words adn not being an ear to listen when they needed one.. to wrapped up in my own mess, of my own making... thne it all fell away and life went on... now that boy , oh such a wonderful boy is almost a man (per say) an i find myself thinking.. would they approve now? would it be accepted... would this boy that i broke his heart(or was it just his hopes of dating me?) so long ago? will he have me? so far hes only pushed me farther and farther away... how am i to fix my imstakes if the one perosn that melted the ice on my heart can no longer look me in the eye and send shivers down my spine?? where is the passion, the fire, the excitment... or will i live my life through adn settle for the mundan job and husband hat i do not fully love? who know ...

~Say Goodbye~

Say Goodbye

say goodbye and goodnite
wish me sweet soft dreams
while i lay awake dying slowly

gone is the innocense of the child
broken is the soul contained within
caress my soft body while my rough heart goes dim

say goodbye and goodnite
whisper the words you long to say
while I sit staring far away to the past

gone is the sweet deminar of the girl
broken is the heart held together by gossmer thread
kiss my rose colored lips that are set like stone

say goodbye adn goodnite
whisling the tune to a lulling lullaby
while i walk away from this broken body laying at your side

~A Happy Face~

Surrounded by people
feeling all alone
no one can see me
why wont this feeling go away
why wont this feeling go away

Im happy oh yea happy
ha so happy i could wanna live

Smiling my fake smile
covering up my little flaws
no one knows me
they cant know me
oh they cant ever know me

Im happy oh yea happy
ha so happy i could wanna live


Walking through the crowds
i pass by with out lookin
lost in myself again
wont someone try to see me
why wont they see me

Im happy oh yea happy
ha so happy i could wanna live

Fake laughs belted out loud
making up for my lack of happiness
lying about all of it
oh lying abot all of this

Im happy oh yea happy
ha so happy i could wanna live

Surrounded by people, oh
smiling that fake smile i have, yea
laughing the loudest so i dont look so damn sad
feelin al alone not allowing anyone through these barriers

Cuz Im not that damn happy
oh no im so very sad ha so damn sad
ehy wont they try to break me down
cant thy see im faking tis happiness

Growing up

No one ever tells you how much growing up can really hurt... you lose friends, get cuts and bruises, even have your heart broken. Yet through all of that you grow... you get new friends, ur bruises adn cuts heal some with scars some without and that broken heart mends to love again another day... i think growing up hurts a bit less though when you live life while your gorwing because fighting the growth hurts more than just accepting it...
THINGS I NEED TO DO:
1) move on from high school
2) learn how to flirt properly
3) be myself with new people
4) quit my job and stand up fro myself to my boss
5) not listen to waht others say so much
6) try to date again
7) go dancing and just let the music and my partner move me
8) rent a surfboard for a day and spend it surfing
9) NEVER GIVE UP ON SCHOOL
10)ACCEPT LIFE AND ALL THATS THROWN AT ME

the ten things that are most important for me to acheive in my life and hopefully soon.
<3's

~the Void~

~ The Void~
Sitting in a world full of people
they say they all know me
but do they hear the pleas i cry
the silent begging of my endless tries

laying in a room silent as death
silent tears trailing down my cheeks
my hushed sobbing pulling me further
Further into the abyss of hidden emotions

Watching in a lecture covered in lies
People looking up from notes on a page
My scratchy notes telling no more stories
Im ready for the end to come and take me

Waiting begging pleading for a cure
The endless things floating in my head
Death, life, family, friends, school, life
Where has it all gone

Nothing, a void, deserted as the moon
My soul ripped, heart bleeding, mind shattered
Smoothed over like boulders in a river, turned to sand
Once strong and solid now in a million pieces and weak

...

I asked God the other day why he didnt want me to love again... i think i know his answer now... i can love again cuz i still love... or maybe he feels i need to let go of that old love still.... i dont know... either im so terrified to love him again that i wont admit that i might (though i am here) or im just reaching out for love where i can get it and this is just him playing with my emotions and trying to get what he wants...
For someone that i cant love though hes everything that i cold ever really ask for... but so is my other guy.. goodness i hate this! He had to go and bring up all those old emotions didnt gah im sleeing now

~searing kiss~

You seared my lips shut
buring through them to my soul once again

Do i love you ill i dont know
if this fog clears thne i might see

Hands on my cheeks
a gaze that makes me feel were all alone

Am i so afraid to love you
my hearts all mended, will you tear it up again

eyes slipping close, allowing it
searing my lips closed leaving a burn to my soul

Burning so deep you rip open scars
so long ago i loved you fully, can i again?

~ The End~

Your beauty is not skin deep
Passion lays waiting on the tip of your tonge
Suprises fall from you like the chaos of the stars
Why do you leaving waiting so?

In your heart can you see me?
Waiting with the pateins of an angle, eternily
Longing to feel your passion engulf me fully
biding the time till you find me speechless
Why do i love you so?

Your heart tells you truths of old
Pushing at an existance of spontanatity and fidelity
Surpassing all odds yet working for the same one, love
Why can you not love me like so long ago?

In that deep sublime soul can you still feel me?
Wanting your touch even if only a ghost of a hand on my arm
Loving you without question and standing by your side unnoticed
brideling my emotions slowly masking my face to the world of hurt im enduring
Why dont you want me anymore?

Your slowly fading from my life killing me exquiestly
passing away life a grain of sand consumed by the ocean waves
Sucking dry my frail and tattered soul
Why can you not see my hurt?

In the days that pass ive given up on living
Willing my existance to cease and stay frozen in time
Living in this world hurts so much, but i will endure
bridging my lifeforce with a touch of unstability and loneliness
Why can i not forgive you and love you again?
For now till forever this is the end

~not knowing~

~not knowing~
unable to stand still enough to breath deep
Switching thoughts endlessly through the night
not knowing if ill ever see your smile once more

dawns gleam brings no new light
darkness taking hold of every wispy thought
Luring twilight forever on, unknowingly

Withdrawing from the world too large
Altering reality around your loss
Not knowing if ill ever feel your heart beat against mine

dawns gleam brings no new light
darkness taking hold of every wispy thought
Luring twilight forever on, unknowingly

Dropping all meaning, waiting for your return
Thoughts of you never ending, always enduring
Not knowing if ill ever feel your arms around in sweet embrace

dawns gleam brings no new light
darkness taking hold of every wispy thought
Luring twilight forever on, unknowingly

Burning pain and cooling love controlling my soul
Burning away the darkness and setting the burn of dawn to a glow
Seducing night an day into a never ending dance of complexity

nothing new to report... just bieng me.. passed math with a C yay me! went to coffee with michael today.. we had a nice long chat... we have such opposite views, but at the same time so much the same.. kinda odd huh... well i guess i need to sleep
navaer

~strides of living~

~strides of living~
In the meadows of life I walk
unknowing of my true course
passing through tall grasses
treading my own path
crossing others and walk a short way
we part unsuspecting of what lays ahead

In these meadows of life were I do not fit
I walk a lonely path
not sure where it leads me and to whom
but I walk none the smarter everyday
coming to points where there is no way forward
finding ways to get through
looking for the unknown beauty ahead of me

Within the meadows of life everyone is unique
we stand alone on our paths or we choose to follow
we are never stronger or weak for our choices, just ourselves
pushing through the grasses we tread paths later to be followed
forming a unique mark to be inspiration in the future as those from the past
moving till we find the end and fall way from the tall grasses and aloneness

hmmm ... odd poem... I don’t know if it makes sense... I’ve definitely have been thinking bout life... I mean where am I headed? not just goal wise but emotionally an all that shiza... I have to learn to tae are of myself but I cant seem to find a way to be in control of everything lately... and once I’m gone from one part of life I let everything fall apart >_< ... not to mention that my mind is always muddled and in knots... well nothing is interesting in my life... this the mundane nature of it though, life that is... the non-stop, always occurring life.
<3 all

to be or not to be...

in reality my life doesn’t suck as much as it could.. I know this... but I tend to forget these facts allot... lately all I do is wonder y I have been getting the wrong end of the stick.. thing is, I really haven’t gotten the wrong end as much as I could.. I should just go on and live.. carpe diem.. but I cant... ill never be about to...

now my really issue tonight.... same thing as normal.. do I sit waiting for what I know I want and know wants me... or do I truly, for the first time in m life put myself out there? I know me.. and I have already and continually chosen to wait... to be or not to be.. that’s what Shakespeare said.. well I don’t want to be.. I want to melt away into the world and just be forgotten... lol me and my angst.. well I’m of to read some more hp fan fiction to make myself stop thinking ^_^

Forgiveness really is a powerful tool in life... mainly cuz it allows u to live

~Childs Mask~

under my surface
the waters are not still
they are trashing
churning feeling and emotions

the waves come and go
but the on the surface
not a single ripple shows
the dark waters are hidden

beneath my skin lies a torrent
of anger, sadness, and guilt
unable to let go
feeling everything but showing nothing

the tears that fall in loneliness
are the only comfort I can claim
hidden beneath my smile
lies the sad depths of my soul

no longer hidden from my own mind
that deep forbidding soul awaits
the turbidities of my emotions
ravaging the entirety of my mind

under the surface
imp not happy
but for a moment in time
imp able to see a future were I could be

this week has been hard firs my great aunt passed away, from leukemia, to a better place where she is no longer suffering and can be happy for eternity. but now... now I have been told that my uncle, oh god!, my uncle has cancer, they told me to be positive... they told me that it might be curable... but they don’t know.. Oh God please let this hell be over with... Cancer is the word that I cant handle...
I have 6 uncles... my oldest uncle has cirrhosis of the liver and is on his way to get a liver transplant but until he gets rid of his Hepitis C they cant give him is new liver. everyday he is fighting for his life and suffering the pains of the one of the most horrid disease a human being can endure... the second oldest uncle works way to much and I worry for him... then now my third oldest uncle has informed my family that he has cancer. he dent know what kind of or if its curable or not. But I have to sit here and wonder if a few months down the road or maybe a yea from now he will have left us too... I cant imagine a person that could be more understanding about the circumstance than my uncle but it hurts down to my core... I cant stand death.. I can strand the people I love in pain and now we are enduring more pain than I believe anyone can handle... so please God just read this or maybe even someone else and understand the hurt and pain and just help in some way... I don’t know any other way to help myself or them.. imp only 19 years old and in less the 12 months have lost 2 people in my life and have had to face the reality of maybe losing more soon or seeing them slowly fall apart by treatments that will allow them to live another 10 years...
bye

face to the heavens

~Face to the heavens~
kneeling in the sand
screaming up to the heavens
wanting forgiveness
wishing for life to end or begin
holding my hands up to the sky
pulling them down
as if dragging god into my soul
wishing for life to end or begin
falling face into the ocean
not wanting to breath any longer
being buoyed up constantly
wishing for life to end or begin
tearing my mind away
revealing only soul and heart
showing myself
knowing life had ended and began

the last two days have allowed me to be happy... and i think being positive is helpful for me... by beign happy i feel lighter... i hope tomorrow is as good as today ^_^
ciao

lying to ones self

sitting letting tears well
on the verge of streaming
hot down my face
I’m telling my mind
that the lies are true
and the pain will end

enclosed in my mind
the intricate lies form
weaving a story so unlike mine
telling me that happily ever after
is true, is there
my hearts not broken

laying on the floor
shaking in grief my mind leaves
weaving the pattern of lies
forcing me to try time and again
willing my soul not to shatter
sewing the pieces of my heart up
in a disheveled new pattern

enclosed in my mind
the intricate lies form
weaving a story so unlike mine
telling me that happily ever after
is true, is there
my hearts not broken

facing an open flame
losing my will to live yet again
not knowing where my ghost of a soul will rest
no thoughts are coming
the spiders web of lies lay ruined
as the pieces of my heart
blow away on the wind

enclosed in my mind
the intricate lies no longer form
no more weaving a story so unlike mine
now telling me that happily ever after
is false, is only for fairy tales
my hearts not broken
my heart is obliterated
blown on the wind to the sea


... I can sit thinking that things will get better or I can learn that those that do not protect your heart from slowly breaking, though the seem so right, are not to be the one... for there is no one... its easier to be ice at the soul, cuz that way you can not be hurt.. or maybe steel so that you can not be bent... eventually I will die inside and then I wont have to worry.. cuz then I wont hurt anymore

~Holding my heart~

~Holding my heart~

Holding my heart in your hands
you tear tiny peice after tiny piece
holding the ruins together almost unwillingly

Holding my heart in you hands
you walk away from my soul
ripping my lifeline from my physical being

Holding ym heart in your hands
you unknowingly stripe me of rational thought
breaking my mind as you slowly kill my love and trust

Holding my heart in your hands
you burn an aggonizing scar along my soul
making me unable to let go without force

Holding my heart in your hands
you slowly kill me
taking my sanity love and hate with you as you turn away from me

... today has not been much better than yesterday ... if anything its worse... physical labor and fake happiness is harder than sulking with a book to cover your face... ~sigh~ atleast one good thing come from my low moods... my poetry is always better wehn i depressed or down or sad or mad... happiness is just not a strong enough emotion for me to write with... well im going to go back to staring at the computure screen waiting.. its the only thing i can think of right now and sleep is not a safe haven... laters

loneliness

today i have bee surrounded by people.. but i have had a constent feeling of lonliness... its been eating at me all week... that as much as im surrounded by people i know and love.. i just feel lik im standing alone iin a room... its definently not one of my favorite feelings... i kinda just want it to go away and be abel to feel the warmth and everythign from people... but i just cant seem to pull out this time :-/ i guess that leaves leting it work itself out... i just hope it doesnt take too long. cuz the more i feel lonly the more i feel kinda depressed and the more i get all bleh.. and i ahve been soo happy adn i want to keep it that way!well im off to read more
ttyl

broken down

tears roll down my cheek
burning lines of confused anger
wiped away on the back of dirty hands
trembling with furious rebelion

words spill forth from swollen lips
issuing hateful meaning and pointlessness
pushed out on hissing hot air
dictated with utmost contempt

shaking body curling in on itself
emitting unfocused anger and passion
yearning to be calmed
reaching for its antithesis to be canlced out

slowly the tears are eased
lips hush and utter no more words
uncurling shaking limbs to envelope peaces



my day has been very odd... i broke down for no reason... but the one thing i do know is that i really miss karina and bethany and im very unsure as to how i will find a way to substitute them while thier at school... i tihnk most of my meltdowns re from pent up sadness of missing them... even a cute puppy sitting at my feet isnt makign ti seem better tonight... i still feel like im missing this huge chunk of my heart... gah!! and i ahve to wait till the end of July for karina!!! its gonna be a long 4 months or soo.. welll night al
ciao

up and downs

For every up there is a down... today the only down was the weather.. I passed CHem!!! i was soo worried... i now feel like im floating... kinda a wierd sensation.. though it might be the sugar adn caffine.... im crying im soo happy right now... lol... though today brought me to relalizes some stuff. im ery different from everyone i know... im not anyone other than who i am... adn i cant say that for a alot of ppl i know.. as mucha s they say they dont conform... i ust ... meh im oer this wrting thing tonight.. i wrote a nice long letter/e-mail to my lovely kina and shes the oly one that really needs to know these feelings cuz she'll get them... well ciao im gonan go read now!
<3's

~ The improbable They~

~ The improbable They~

they said my life was impossible
that my dreams were too far fetched
holding me back from realizing the truth

they said my soul was unnatural
that my heart was to big
holding me back from knowing my own self

they said i would go no where
that my ways were improbable and wrong
holding back my tears for knowing i was nothing

they said soo much breaking me down
that i huddled in a mass od dispare
holding my tattered heart in my hand

they no longer and touch me
that i have learned the truth
holding my head high i walk through life

they are no longer in my thoughts
that have been shown a new path
holding the promise of my drams adn the love of my heart and soul

summing things up

can life be summed up in only a few words.... beautiful, painful, short and long... those few words can incompase the whole being of a person life thier nature... the black adn whiteness of life is over power in that sense... good must be the right and bad must be the wrong... but what if life would be summed up differently... my the actions and the living statements of ones being... im afraid of death... its a scary subject and a very sad one... but with death is a new beggining and thus every new beggining in our lies is the death of that part of us... the knowledge that the life before this new one had is handed down adn the new fresh life is appriched iwth vigor... my vigor is running out... how much longer in this life do i ahve to be thrown around and recreated in a new image... i dont want to be summed up in a new fashion... i just want to be that blacka dn whiet picure tat is sen adn beautiful, painful, short and long...
ciao ya'all

sad thoughts

Once i was told to disapear and never come back... it hurt badly cuz it was from a supposed friend... u never know saddness till everything u belived in has been ripped from u, and not gentely or kindly but with all the force they would take it with... Today one of those people added me on facebook:-/ i added them back but the memories im enduring from doing so are a harsh punishment... The story behind this guy is that we all knew he was gay... i mean if it had been the cool thing in jr. high he would have come out... buthe didnt and well im very forward about those kinds of things... Im glad he wa able to find his own power and show the world the true him... but im not proud of what he did to me and how now i feel like every word on his facebook is a flurry of bull shit! i want to belive that the people that hurt me in jr. high cant do that again, and i also want to think that they have grown up and learned that being different isnt a bad thing... but i know deep down ill never forgive them and that scares me.... to be able to hold such a grudge for soo long... No one understands more than me what its life to have ur life torn apart adn into little peices just to find a new life the next yuear in high school where i didnt have to fit... i just had to be me... i will always appreicate that fact and i hope never to le anyone tell me who i am or waht i can be!
welllim off now cuz i have to go to the health center to see if i can see my doctor sooner..
ciao

chaotic perfection

~Chaotic Perfection~

In the chaos of life perfection is simplicity
the calming beauty of the crashing ocean waves
slow flow trikling streamsas thy gurgle by

In the constant drumming of my heart it too refracts
your simplicity and perfection in the light of my eyes
it is chaotic yet so right and strong

I'm hold back my hopes an dreams for this simplicity, this perfection
but fear will only hold me tired down for so long
somethings are just ment to be even in the chaos of nature

In nature i fall with a designed path whirling and spinning about
but once let go i lose all deisign and my heart and mind dance to pumping of my blood
neither side of the dance is stronger than the other so eventually it will end

In life only time can tell us if our original design will work or is the simplicty of perfection is too overwhelmed by chaos

perfect night

Tonight has been pratically perfect... I finished my homework, talked to my friends and one for the best people ever...wathced tv adn now im just chilling... i wish i was tired i would sleep but im not soo i guess ill just watch tv somemore till i pass out.. i think tomorro im gonna work out again and maybe sleep in. Who knows i just ahve everything going soo well. but i just cant wait till sunday.. thats gonna be the best day ever ^_^ ttyl ya'all

Confused

What do I do with myself? huh? what are my goals and aspirations?? As much as I think I know them under lying these dreams are hopes that are shattered and rebuilt in a tattered looking mosaic of random thoughts. I want to teach, I love teaching, but imp not near enough passionate about all subjects to teach a general array of science. I love the ocean and everything about it, its sound it power, its color look taste feel. I just love it. there is no true description for how the ocean makes me feel in learning about it or being in and around it. I wish I could take that passion and spread it everyone, to bring the knowledge of this supreme beauty that earth holds upon its surface. I mean how many people know the full knowledge of its being? I don’t even know that... but then there is my passion for environmental stuff like renewable energy and things in those categories ... what is it that I should do? with these passions that slowly are able to connect yet not in any reasonable way for a job. gah and not to mention what do I do in my life about love... its something I truly believe in but my heart and head are always torn... where is it that love will fit into my grand scheme... yesterday I mentioned never loving to a friend.. I think it would be easier for me to not love because then emotionally I would not be such a rack yet then I miss out on something I know I enjoy and is the true reason for living... but every time I find anything that feels so .. so perfect and right there is a glitch or a minor error in the equation... not into my family, not able to combine physical and emotional attract in all ways because of a person choice on the others half.. don’t get me wrong I’m not perfect... I don’t like attachment non-stop but I want to have someone to fall back on... that perfect right feeling is so much like being able to have the worst day of your life and go to that person and have every stress worry heartache melt away like ice on a skillet... oh how I wish for that feeling every second of everyday ... but unfortunately the few people I have felt that way with are taken my ex. or well unable to be in that kind of situation for some god forsaken reason(though I try to honor that discoing because I’m nice) but I man that feeling is just so .. gah.. there is no way other than to say once upon a time... and happily very after... or at least I thought so.... the worst part is I’m so attached to these people that I keep them as friends and let myself get all emotionally in knots... I’m in a knot now just thinking of one of these guys and how we talk and he just says the right things at the most perfect moment and when he hugs me or even just touches me I have the urge to scream," why! why cant I just have u !?!?!" but I never do I just turn this shade of pink/red and get quiet.. what will I do.. so far nothing because actions are louder than words and then gain words are even there but the head the head is controlling the heart... in both side of this predicament.. I’m to kind and loving to go against someone’s wishes (unless their evil) and the other is such good person over al that they cannot turn from their own kin(this I understand because I have been in the same situation) but I’m so confused and well I can no longer promise to hold back everything I hold inside and then release in poetry and such... I mean who can sit by and watch their life instead of living it? I cant .. not any longer! well I’m going to go work out now so ttyl!

late night thoughts

i should be doing my chem lab right now... or maybe even finishing my chem flash cards or even readong for my geology course... but im not... im sitting here wondering about the lusidness of my being... imagining myself in the situations i yearn for the most... in true reality i am no one... i am a person that you would pass in the street and never rember again... yet in my own reality i would be an unfogttable vision... someone that you would be eternally drawn to... the sanity of these thoughts is questionable... yet anything and everything is questionable the fabric of being is only as tightly woven as the weaver weaves it... same as our minds.. there can be gaps and holes if we the weaver of thoughts does not weave a tght pattern... im ina hole now... where reality and dream wander... in my life time i will reach out to people that wil hurt me or break me in someway yet in theory this is a the test of time those that last through are the winners and the theoretical fittest of our race... i want to slow time to allow those who in their generations were the fittest to be able to rember when it was that they enjoyed life the most or feel rain on thier heads and mud on thier baretoes... i wish to live... i wish to live life to the fullest yet im too terrified of the end to imagine the beggining... tonight i dream of nothing yet everything... being stuck ina hole of lusid realty crumbleing my minds barrers adn letting forth my imagination... there is no stairwell back to reality for me... im beyond the breaking of my so called reality...i need to live and to live i cant conform and to confrm would to think in a coherent manner... now i must say adue to thses thoughts and sleep to wake and go on with greif, heart ache, and longing in ym soul
Navaer my reader/s

battle feild of love

Love is an emotion that harvest the soul of its essence
showering the your being with light and splendor
Ripping away all ability to function rationally
Forcing an unknown knowledge of eventual pain and agaony
For though love is strong and enduring
Like life fades into death
Taking with it the light and splendor
Replacing it with darkness and dispair
breaking the very essence of your being without warning
The exile of your heart and dreams
leaving you in longing fury
anxiously awaiting the day you try again

in pain of ym horrible love life and pent up frustrations with the boy of my so called dreams

crushed

Why is it that when you finally think you can be happy and that things will work out your life decded to come crahsing down around you? Wel my life has come crashing down around me once again...On sunday my old dog died and i had to act like it didnt bother me at all becuase it was my parents aniversary and we had a party and i had to make thier gift and stuff.. then this week i was all jazzed till wed when i was so tired and had the biggest migrane of the century! thats when my life crumbled since then i have beomce more and more emotionally drained then on thursday i met a new friend online and he turns out to be uber creepy not to mention i got a call from my mother telling em my great aunt whom had alhstimers was on death watch... thne on friday she passed on and being me i didnt cry even though i loved her dearly... im to the point emotionally that im breaking again adn its hard to hold the pieces together without the extra support i have had the last few years with my friends/bf.... god i wished this would jst end
well i guess im off now nothing much more to talk about so
hasta luego

Knight in shinning armor

My angel was there when neede once
watchign me holding me loving me
showering me with all that was good

My knight in shinning armor
to catch me and rescue me from my ensured death
courting my thoughts and returning his

In my time of reflection there is still a viod
a deep empty spot were hurt and distrust have bared me
m heart loves my angle and my knight but not with an intesity

my heart yearns for the electric shock of true love
wanting to swell and bound in joyous longing for its touch
waiting for the inabilty to speak or move without fear it will go

my soul waits whilst it turns away the knight
not wanting to prolong his hearts desire
freeing the angel from all duty to its desire

my whole bing stands in static
wanting yearning dying slowly
for the true being of its love to come into its shinning light

soo lame but so good at the same time.. needs work.. bleh i feel shitty cuz i made a new firend adn now i dont want to know them.. stupid internet friends are evil.. well other than that lifes ok right now

cant make any sense

The more i think .. the mroe i use my head the more my heart aches and my ... the more i feel like i am empty.. yet im to scared to use my heart cuz idont want it to be hurt...y cant life be fair? y can i jsut belng with the crowd? ho come i feel like i cant sit in anywhere anymore? every person i know im incomfortable with here... no one is anything like what i know.. no laughter no jokes no love just aquatiaces just new ppl everyday just another face lost in the crowd... some ppl are ment to be no a college campus .. maybe im not one of them... maybe im not cut out for this kinda atmosphere... all i do is get uncomfortable and sit being quiet adn figitting...i rather be in my room at home then go out and have to suffer another social disaster like what i went through tonight... i hate dances where u dnt know anyone... i have no nerve i have no skills ... im just a no one .... i need to sleep now.
good night or morning or hatever it is

~Dia para Mi amor~

Today you love me
Tomorrow i fear you'll leave
Alone i am a scarf in the wind
With you I am solid as stone

Today we are happy and hopeful
Tomorrow we fall apart into our own worlds
Alone my heart feels empty and incomplete
With you I am complete and filled with joy

Today we are apart in life
Tomorrow i'll strive to be by your side
Alone i can no longer be
With you i wish to stay forever and a day

hmmm

So many songs in my life that i want to live by adn belive are able to say the truth of how im feeling... well they just seem to be losing touch... Days are good adn bad... but the bad are always worse in a sad sad way... Today was a good day, but tomorrow could bad bad again and every bad day drags my soul down more and with every sunny bright day it soars higher into euphoria. if only that feeling lasted in the wost of tims adn the best... well peace and love and learn to live life to the fullest and not be afriad to sing your own tune

life

Why is it that when you find good in life bad stuff always happens? Or like no matter how hard you try someone elsewill almost always be better than you. No one ever is given the chance just to shine in knowing thier perfect the way they are cuz well there is always a greener pastor or a bluer lake somewhere... I find thats the closer i am to having faith in God the harder it is not to notice his absence in my daily life... I mean if he loves me so much wh is it that i suffer the ways i do and why is it that things that bring me happiness are unachieveable or attainable? I know there are alot of people out there and all but why have certain ones bear responsibility for others misfortunes and have t carry constent reminders of thier painful past? why cant i forget, i have forgiven thus i should be able to forget but im still unable to put my horric history in the box of never again and move on beliving in love and peace and all that junk... well yea ... i have a bad history and now my present is not allowed to be happy and i fight old habits daily, hourly just to get by. I wish i had the ablity to tell him how he makes me feel... then maybe just maybe he would love me back, but feeling right in his arms doesnt mean he returns that or even wants it... gosh i wrote alot well got to go back to studying fro my Midterms evil Univeristy!

lost in thoughts

Why is it that life hates those that are the most willing to give and love? It seems like those are the people that always fall on hard times or fall into the world of addiction.. not that im a much better case but i mean... No one that has a heart willing to give and give deserves to be hurt or lonely forver.. i just .. i dont get it.. I alwas feel like once i get back on my feet they are swept out from under me dragging me with the endless current of society forcing the ways of culutre and well things i dont belive in on me... If this world were perfect it would be alot nicer if we could just follow our hearts and let logic and reality slip away intead of forcing imagination and uniqueness out of here... bleh.. i hate emotion they make life hard....ok wel now that im all poppd out from typing i ge to go back to my dorm soo
navaer
~Kyla~

First time

Im starting this for a few reasons... 1) its better than the one on myspace cuz i can write here and no one has to know about it... 2) easier acsess to other ppl who i want to know thier thoughts and 3) cuz i need some place to put everything down at.
well anther day i will write about me and how im feeling as of the moment im not very happy and i need to study for my exams on monday and tuesday..
caio
Kyla