memories hurt

I truly wish there was a way to just permanently forget things. As much as mistakes help you to grow they also take away things that we don't want them to. I mean how is being an emotional wreck for weeks helpful to anyone? sad thing is that not many people even want to see it, and those that do just want you to see past it and move on. IF only moving on were as easy As writing one poem or crying one night. But how is any of that going to help? it really doesn't. The only cure is time, always time. I hate time. Time makes things too slow or too fast or not even at all. Time takes away people you love and offers your things you can not believe. Unbelievable things normally are just that, not true. They are the things that leave you the most broken in the end. That is a lesson so not worth learning on your own, but we all do. So I'm moving forward as I'm dragged backwards so i move no where. I stay stagnant, living in a still pool. i miss the ripples of life. If only we didn't dream i would have been safe from remembering. Vivid dreams are worth a million words, and even more feelings. I wish i could just forget all of those. They have little comfort for me and even less respect for my sanity(though that was lost years ago). For being alive of only 2 decades i feel old. The older i get the heavier the world feels and the more my uniqueness and happiness are being dragged down. I need to find a way to fell happy again that is just me. Newest goal is to find eternal happiness within myself and smile everyday i can.

~Fin~

I finally thought I was over this
past the tears falling down cheeks
beyond the hurt deep within my chest
gone from the memories I had wished

I finally slept with out you holding me
past how your smile made my day brighter
beyond how connected I felt we were as we talked
gone away from the concepts of this we

I finally thought I was over this
past the heartbreak and sadness
beyond letting memories kill me
gone from crying myself to sleep with what I wished

~red sand~

explaining the reasons behind the chaos
how I've ripped my heart open a million times
with every time i die another me is reborn
there is no underlying secret to my madness
i am just me fitting the square piece in a round hole

essentially i pass no trial without a sacrifice
giving up the pieces of my heart has become easy
the red life seeping from the wound refreshes me
with every pump another drop is lost and i die
i die slowly in a way that no one can see me fade

escaping the hell of my own mind by any way possible
finding the trail that has lead me to my destiny
left as a wreck on the beach i pray for the answers
allowing chaos to overflow my mind in all its being
i am dying for being myself a unique grain of sand on a homogeneous beach

Long night + poem

i let go of you every day
yet every night i dream of you
how you talked to me for hours
the never ending conversations
even those hidden smiles i caught

i let go of you every day
while you let go weeks ago
how i miss your laugh
the way it made your whole face shine
either way I've lost that part of you

i let go of you every day
yet every night its you i want holding me
how tears falling down my cheeks
the memories of you too strong in my mind
every night i have to say good bye again

i let go of you every day
yet every moment i can spare your there
how my thoughts linger on you
the lack of the ability to let go
every second reliving that pain

Its been a long night No one knows that i cant sleep because i hate missing your presence. The nights i sleep the best are because I'm too tired to care anymore. I act so strong all day but by midnight i feel so alone without you. How was i supposed to know that i was attached so soon! I did not want to be attached to you. Being attached was not the goal. Its not even about the physical relationship we had. I miss how we used to walk and talk. You were the one person that cared in my life that was right here, right now. How am i supposed to replace another best friend? its impossible, i hope you know that. I could ind anyone and throw myself into a relationship, but you were different just like the ones before. I wear my heart on my sleeve and i guess that's a good thing because obviously i cant read myself that easily. I don't like missing you. I hate forming dependencies on people. I used to be so independent. I was free of all restrictions in a sense that way. Now i just feel like as i et older i get emptier and emptier. As i give more of my heart away to people i lose just as much from others pulling them away. Internally I'm so broken. I can no longer tell where the broken pieces were and where i have to go to put them back together. I'm living without being complete and i dint know how to comply to these circumstances. I'm lost to the world in so many ways. I can throw myself into anything that comes my way to forget the ache i feel, but it only dulls the pain. Everyone always says i over react to emotional stuff. I dint think i over react so much as i put my all behind every bond i form and for everyone of those bonds broken that piece of me breaks with it. How can one heart take so much heart ache? It took me two years to piece my life back together and become the person you first met on the Internet. How i was always so glad to see you on in the early hours. Again i state that miss our talks. You've always had a way to make me laugh or see the optimistic point of view. I don't know how to give that up, but i guess I'll have to if i keep dying every night when you forget me or refuse to hang out I know your busy , we all are. The thing that hurts is that i know your going with other people. Oh its such a small world. I want to stop hurting I want to stop caring. How can i form this shell i need? i have no clue but its already starting. I've been receding everyday more and more even as i open more an more. how i just don't want to feel anything more tonight, to make the tears stop, to sleep without waking thinking your there, to smile and not feel like its fake, to just feel and know that its showing through my mask. This night has been too long and morning is already beginning to form in my mind.

~Holding On~

~Holding On~
I'm holding on to long
grieving for something barely had
unwilling to give you up
how this stubbornness hurt me
you cant see this
anymore than you saw the tears
i need to let go but I'm unwilling
my minds numb from the torture
just shun me and forget i exist
its so hard to see you
across the way you smiled
i melted again and cried
I've held on to long again
grieving something i barely had
good bye to the dreams
hugs to the pain they caused
kisses to the phantom left behind

~Lives Blood~

This kills me slowly
like thorns dragging at me
waiting for you to find yourself
i never wanted to wait again
it kills me to see you
laughing with other people
all the while you ignore me

This is killing me so slowly
as my lives bloody flows
from wounds unseen making me die
i refuse to take this anymore
stop being selfish and open those eyes
your silence to me is like a parasite
eating away at my mind
it kills me to see you with others
why cant you let me be what you promised

This kills me more than you know
the more you push me away
the faster I'm dying
being ignored is not something ill take
open those eyes of yours!

see the pain as you walk by me sans greeting
i wont let your forget that promise
you promised my friendship
i wont let that go
please don't ignore me as you have
its killing me faster every day

~The Clues Left Unseen~

~The clues left unseen~
give me a clue to were everything lays between us
i can hold nothing over you without reason
you left me for my own good
its just the shock that its wearing off now
gone are the times of getting to now each other
now i feel like were so far apart it wont matter
your heart wasn't in it, was that obvious in some way
i was not played like a fiddle for your enjoyment
more like a friend left to be lost at sea in a storm
where are the clues to this plot line i live
i could break no boundaries before they're made
missing the sound of your voice and your touch
so lonely now its like your miles away
yet we're separated only by a floor and that stake you placed here
don't push me away in hopes that it will make it easier
the harder you push the faster i fall away
consumed by the void of my mind
give me a clue as to were we lie with each other

~FaultLines~

~FaultLines~
All the words in my head have come out too late
how i questioned our actions but did not say it
wish i had not pushed so hard for reassurance
letting physical need override my knowledge
with all these questions in my mind i let go
instincts carrying out desires deeply ingrained

All my thoughts were floating away as we kissed
the world faded away for those few hours of the day
how empty i feel now without you to talk to
my reassurance, my groundedness in life gone away
pushed away by my inability to voice my thoughts
wish i had broken my silence an seen beyond the surface

All we had in such a short time was for nothing
how i questioned the what ifs of our decision
wish i had spoken my mind the thousand times it screamed
letting go of self control just felt so right
wilting now as i find the faults of our short romance
how will you ever forgive me my faults and talk to me again

~Drag of the sea~

~Drag of the Sea~
Starring out the window towards the sea
how i wish i were there feeling its lull
i want to feel whole again but cant
the pieces have flown on the air to far
unable to pull myself back together
left to drift like a single grain of sand
refusing to sink into the depths
pulled by the currents of the ocean
endless circles dragging at me slowly
eventually ill land on shore
sighing to myself and i wipe the tears away
i wish i were at the sea being calmed
wrapped int he crashing of the waves
released by of these feelings like the shore
drained slowly of the tiny grains of sand sitting on it
(Pic from Deviantart by littlemewahtever)

~All Alone~

crying all alone
not strong enough
falling apart inside
you didn't see the tears
or how the pain ripes
too proud to fall
living in a shell
forming an ocean
my pillow is soaked
too strong to break
you wont see this pain
how it ripes me apart
or how the tears fall
leaving me awake
too strong is my pride
as the facade crumbles
you'll see my tears
exposed to the wounds
see the broken pride
are you happy i finally broke?

~Trying to Forget~

laying here my bed is so empty
i can not forget your presence
how your arm rested around my waist
so short a time of comfort
how could you hold me that way
i can not forgive this so fast
laying here as tears pour out
i can not understand why i hurt
how could you not feel for me back
so long i waited for a fake
how your lips meet mine all a lie
i can not forget your eyes
laying here so empty as i cry for you

~Giving in~

I don't want to exist in this world anymore
the pressures hitting me are too much
breaking away my barriers with every blast

i cant exist in this world anymore
my essence has already been destroyed
right before my eyes I'm dying

i wont exist in this world anymore
I've hidden away in the shadows
lost to everything they wanted of me

~Hiding Again~

your hiding from me again
leaving me guessing at words
you leave them unfinished
we are unfinished tottering
up and down this life goes
agreeing on this friendship
left alone to support it
your hiding from me again
were my words so harsh to you
is my smile to fake to handle
will you just come back to talk
tell me the thing you used to
stop hiding behind your door
i wont break as long as you speak

~Oh Teacher~

my brain is dying
slowly eaten away
dragged down by this
oh teacher break me faster
make my dreams further away
tell me how i will fail
hollow my soul with pointless facts
my brain is slowly dying
torn apart bit by bit
replaced with a computerchip
oh teacher you've broken me
now i just tell you what you want
left with broken dreams and facts

Heart Strings

so give me a sign and show me how wrong i am
by proving to my heart that i should not care
delete all the pain that I'm hording inside
make me see through the rose tinted glasses you wear

give me a blessing and make me live again
explain all the complexities of my mind in simple phrase
scrapping away all the scars like dried glue on the table
make me feel the softness of the ocean breeze

so give me a sign and show me how right you are
take that knife and cut out the red string that connects us
remove every sweet word you whispered in me ear
make this heartache finally disappear


~art by strawberrygina on deviantart.com~

In charge of my own fate

freedom, oh how i wish i could feel free. like there was nothing holding me back from my dreams or wants. shining like the sun on mountains raveling in its own joy of being. How can i ever be free? i am always held down my ropes, restrictions, fears. I remember once when i was little i told my dad that i wasn't scared of the world, how far i have fallen in a decade an a half. I run away from everything now, it just always seems easier than facing the truths. The truths that i am scared, of everything. I'M terrified of the future because its always so uncertain even though i know exactly where i want to in it. I'm even more scared of the past and how it always catches up to me, making it so hard to let go and move on in life. Most frightening is the present. A time in which every second counts and one wrong step out of line in this rigid dance people call an education can cost me my everything, my knowledge.
The lost of knowledge would be the greatest loss i could ever imagine.I made a promise to never give that up and to keep trying;so why do i keep acting like a terrified horse rearing at the trees in the wind? How did i loss that pride i had in myself that made me strong and stubborn? By letting the actions of others dictate who i am, i lost myself. I buried the strong energetic child in hopes that a new person would move forward, it never has. In the time i was to grow i was restricted by invisible ropes. The binded my heart to another and thus i became what i had to. I lost piece by piece day by day the strength to fight back. Then i broke.I broke into to so many tiny pieces that i was left with a blank canvas to recreate my heart and soul.
Bit by tiny bit Ive become stronger, more powerful, a force to be reckoned with. Yet, still there are fears holding me, rooting me to old habits of giving away pieces of myself. I know now, two decades into my life, that people are never constants. We all change, move on, grow up, cure broken hearts. How to do these things i know will take longer to leaner. As hard s the lessons are on these things i have one constant, the ability to recreate a blank canvas and try again. For when one door closes many others open up opportunities that you might have never imagined. So, the boy might have broke your hart but you can fix in a slow process. A loved one might pass to the realm of Heaven to watch over you and you must endure for they are now a guiding light for you. The lesson that as an adult you are responsible for ever action of your own and that it affects everyone around you negative or positive is hard to accept ,yet still very true. Lastly, accepting change in your life is hard, its hurts, it make you confused, frustrated. All those things that you which you could just stop feeling at that moment in time,but it like the clouds has little designating its path than the currents of the air and fate. For in the end we are the currents of our own fates. Designating the paths we will walk down and what risk we are willing to take. So as master of my fate i bow to ropes, fears, restrictions. I will love with all i am, speak with the convictions i feel, and act as my heart desires.