Confused

What do I do with myself? huh? what are my goals and aspirations?? As much as I think I know them under lying these dreams are hopes that are shattered and rebuilt in a tattered looking mosaic of random thoughts. I want to teach, I love teaching, but imp not near enough passionate about all subjects to teach a general array of science. I love the ocean and everything about it, its sound it power, its color look taste feel. I just love it. there is no true description for how the ocean makes me feel in learning about it or being in and around it. I wish I could take that passion and spread it everyone, to bring the knowledge of this supreme beauty that earth holds upon its surface. I mean how many people know the full knowledge of its being? I don’t even know that... but then there is my passion for environmental stuff like renewable energy and things in those categories ... what is it that I should do? with these passions that slowly are able to connect yet not in any reasonable way for a job. gah and not to mention what do I do in my life about love... its something I truly believe in but my heart and head are always torn... where is it that love will fit into my grand scheme... yesterday I mentioned never loving to a friend.. I think it would be easier for me to not love because then emotionally I would not be such a rack yet then I miss out on something I know I enjoy and is the true reason for living... but every time I find anything that feels so .. so perfect and right there is a glitch or a minor error in the equation... not into my family, not able to combine physical and emotional attract in all ways because of a person choice on the others half.. don’t get me wrong I’m not perfect... I don’t like attachment non-stop but I want to have someone to fall back on... that perfect right feeling is so much like being able to have the worst day of your life and go to that person and have every stress worry heartache melt away like ice on a skillet... oh how I wish for that feeling every second of everyday ... but unfortunately the few people I have felt that way with are taken my ex. or well unable to be in that kind of situation for some god forsaken reason(though I try to honor that discoing because I’m nice) but I man that feeling is just so .. gah.. there is no way other than to say once upon a time... and happily very after... or at least I thought so.... the worst part is I’m so attached to these people that I keep them as friends and let myself get all emotionally in knots... I’m in a knot now just thinking of one of these guys and how we talk and he just says the right things at the most perfect moment and when he hugs me or even just touches me I have the urge to scream," why! why cant I just have u !?!?!" but I never do I just turn this shade of pink/red and get quiet.. what will I do.. so far nothing because actions are louder than words and then gain words are even there but the head the head is controlling the heart... in both side of this predicament.. I’m to kind and loving to go against someone’s wishes (unless their evil) and the other is such good person over al that they cannot turn from their own kin(this I understand because I have been in the same situation) but I’m so confused and well I can no longer promise to hold back everything I hold inside and then release in poetry and such... I mean who can sit by and watch their life instead of living it? I cant .. not any longer! well I’m going to go work out now so ttyl!

late night thoughts

i should be doing my chem lab right now... or maybe even finishing my chem flash cards or even readong for my geology course... but im not... im sitting here wondering about the lusidness of my being... imagining myself in the situations i yearn for the most... in true reality i am no one... i am a person that you would pass in the street and never rember again... yet in my own reality i would be an unfogttable vision... someone that you would be eternally drawn to... the sanity of these thoughts is questionable... yet anything and everything is questionable the fabric of being is only as tightly woven as the weaver weaves it... same as our minds.. there can be gaps and holes if we the weaver of thoughts does not weave a tght pattern... im ina hole now... where reality and dream wander... in my life time i will reach out to people that wil hurt me or break me in someway yet in theory this is a the test of time those that last through are the winners and the theoretical fittest of our race... i want to slow time to allow those who in their generations were the fittest to be able to rember when it was that they enjoyed life the most or feel rain on thier heads and mud on thier baretoes... i wish to live... i wish to live life to the fullest yet im too terrified of the end to imagine the beggining... tonight i dream of nothing yet everything... being stuck ina hole of lusid realty crumbleing my minds barrers adn letting forth my imagination... there is no stairwell back to reality for me... im beyond the breaking of my so called reality...i need to live and to live i cant conform and to confrm would to think in a coherent manner... now i must say adue to thses thoughts and sleep to wake and go on with greif, heart ache, and longing in ym soul
Navaer my reader/s

battle feild of love

Love is an emotion that harvest the soul of its essence
showering the your being with light and splendor
Ripping away all ability to function rationally
Forcing an unknown knowledge of eventual pain and agaony
For though love is strong and enduring
Like life fades into death
Taking with it the light and splendor
Replacing it with darkness and dispair
breaking the very essence of your being without warning
The exile of your heart and dreams
leaving you in longing fury
anxiously awaiting the day you try again

in pain of ym horrible love life and pent up frustrations with the boy of my so called dreams

crushed

Why is it that when you finally think you can be happy and that things will work out your life decded to come crahsing down around you? Wel my life has come crashing down around me once again...On sunday my old dog died and i had to act like it didnt bother me at all becuase it was my parents aniversary and we had a party and i had to make thier gift and stuff.. then this week i was all jazzed till wed when i was so tired and had the biggest migrane of the century! thats when my life crumbled since then i have beomce more and more emotionally drained then on thursday i met a new friend online and he turns out to be uber creepy not to mention i got a call from my mother telling em my great aunt whom had alhstimers was on death watch... thne on friday she passed on and being me i didnt cry even though i loved her dearly... im to the point emotionally that im breaking again adn its hard to hold the pieces together without the extra support i have had the last few years with my friends/bf.... god i wished this would jst end
well i guess im off now nothing much more to talk about so
hasta luego

Knight in shinning armor

My angel was there when neede once
watchign me holding me loving me
showering me with all that was good

My knight in shinning armor
to catch me and rescue me from my ensured death
courting my thoughts and returning his

In my time of reflection there is still a viod
a deep empty spot were hurt and distrust have bared me
m heart loves my angle and my knight but not with an intesity

my heart yearns for the electric shock of true love
wanting to swell and bound in joyous longing for its touch
waiting for the inabilty to speak or move without fear it will go

my soul waits whilst it turns away the knight
not wanting to prolong his hearts desire
freeing the angel from all duty to its desire

my whole bing stands in static
wanting yearning dying slowly
for the true being of its love to come into its shinning light

soo lame but so good at the same time.. needs work.. bleh i feel shitty cuz i made a new firend adn now i dont want to know them.. stupid internet friends are evil.. well other than that lifes ok right now

cant make any sense

The more i think .. the mroe i use my head the more my heart aches and my ... the more i feel like i am empty.. yet im to scared to use my heart cuz idont want it to be hurt...y cant life be fair? y can i jsut belng with the crowd? ho come i feel like i cant sit in anywhere anymore? every person i know im incomfortable with here... no one is anything like what i know.. no laughter no jokes no love just aquatiaces just new ppl everyday just another face lost in the crowd... some ppl are ment to be no a college campus .. maybe im not one of them... maybe im not cut out for this kinda atmosphere... all i do is get uncomfortable and sit being quiet adn figitting...i rather be in my room at home then go out and have to suffer another social disaster like what i went through tonight... i hate dances where u dnt know anyone... i have no nerve i have no skills ... im just a no one .... i need to sleep now.
good night or morning or hatever it is

~Dia para Mi amor~

Today you love me
Tomorrow i fear you'll leave
Alone i am a scarf in the wind
With you I am solid as stone

Today we are happy and hopeful
Tomorrow we fall apart into our own worlds
Alone my heart feels empty and incomplete
With you I am complete and filled with joy

Today we are apart in life
Tomorrow i'll strive to be by your side
Alone i can no longer be
With you i wish to stay forever and a day

hmmm

So many songs in my life that i want to live by adn belive are able to say the truth of how im feeling... well they just seem to be losing touch... Days are good adn bad... but the bad are always worse in a sad sad way... Today was a good day, but tomorrow could bad bad again and every bad day drags my soul down more and with every sunny bright day it soars higher into euphoria. if only that feeling lasted in the wost of tims adn the best... well peace and love and learn to live life to the fullest and not be afriad to sing your own tune

life

Why is it that when you find good in life bad stuff always happens? Or like no matter how hard you try someone elsewill almost always be better than you. No one ever is given the chance just to shine in knowing thier perfect the way they are cuz well there is always a greener pastor or a bluer lake somewhere... I find thats the closer i am to having faith in God the harder it is not to notice his absence in my daily life... I mean if he loves me so much wh is it that i suffer the ways i do and why is it that things that bring me happiness are unachieveable or attainable? I know there are alot of people out there and all but why have certain ones bear responsibility for others misfortunes and have t carry constent reminders of thier painful past? why cant i forget, i have forgiven thus i should be able to forget but im still unable to put my horric history in the box of never again and move on beliving in love and peace and all that junk... well yea ... i have a bad history and now my present is not allowed to be happy and i fight old habits daily, hourly just to get by. I wish i had the ablity to tell him how he makes me feel... then maybe just maybe he would love me back, but feeling right in his arms doesnt mean he returns that or even wants it... gosh i wrote alot well got to go back to studying fro my Midterms evil Univeristy!

lost in thoughts

Why is it that life hates those that are the most willing to give and love? It seems like those are the people that always fall on hard times or fall into the world of addiction.. not that im a much better case but i mean... No one that has a heart willing to give and give deserves to be hurt or lonely forver.. i just .. i dont get it.. I alwas feel like once i get back on my feet they are swept out from under me dragging me with the endless current of society forcing the ways of culutre and well things i dont belive in on me... If this world were perfect it would be alot nicer if we could just follow our hearts and let logic and reality slip away intead of forcing imagination and uniqueness out of here... bleh.. i hate emotion they make life hard....ok wel now that im all poppd out from typing i ge to go back to my dorm soo
navaer
~Kyla~

First time

Im starting this for a few reasons... 1) its better than the one on myspace cuz i can write here and no one has to know about it... 2) easier acsess to other ppl who i want to know thier thoughts and 3) cuz i need some place to put everything down at.
well anther day i will write about me and how im feeling as of the moment im not very happy and i need to study for my exams on monday and tuesday..
caio
Kyla