Confused

What do I do with myself? huh? what are my goals and aspirations?? As much as I think I know them under lying these dreams are hopes that are shattered and rebuilt in a tattered looking mosaic of random thoughts. I want to teach, I love teaching, but imp not near enough passionate about all subjects to teach a general array of science. I love the ocean and everything about it, its sound it power, its color look taste feel. I just love it. there is no true description for how the ocean makes me feel in learning about it or being in and around it. I wish I could take that passion and spread it everyone, to bring the knowledge of this supreme beauty that earth holds upon its surface. I mean how many people know the full knowledge of its being? I don’t even know that... but then there is my passion for environmental stuff like renewable energy and things in those categories ... what is it that I should do? with these passions that slowly are able to connect yet not in any reasonable way for a job. gah and not to mention what do I do in my life about love... its something I truly believe in but my heart and head are always torn... where is it that love will fit into my grand scheme... yesterday I mentioned never loving to a friend.. I think it would be easier for me to not love because then emotionally I would not be such a rack yet then I miss out on something I know I enjoy and is the true reason for living... but every time I find anything that feels so .. so perfect and right there is a glitch or a minor error in the equation... not into my family, not able to combine physical and emotional attract in all ways because of a person choice on the others half.. don’t get me wrong I’m not perfect... I don’t like attachment non-stop but I want to have someone to fall back on... that perfect right feeling is so much like being able to have the worst day of your life and go to that person and have every stress worry heartache melt away like ice on a skillet... oh how I wish for that feeling every second of everyday ... but unfortunately the few people I have felt that way with are taken my ex. or well unable to be in that kind of situation for some god forsaken reason(though I try to honor that discoing because I’m nice) but I man that feeling is just so .. gah.. there is no way other than to say once upon a time... and happily very after... or at least I thought so.... the worst part is I’m so attached to these people that I keep them as friends and let myself get all emotionally in knots... I’m in a knot now just thinking of one of these guys and how we talk and he just says the right things at the most perfect moment and when he hugs me or even just touches me I have the urge to scream," why! why cant I just have u !?!?!" but I never do I just turn this shade of pink/red and get quiet.. what will I do.. so far nothing because actions are louder than words and then gain words are even there but the head the head is controlling the heart... in both side of this predicament.. I’m to kind and loving to go against someone’s wishes (unless their evil) and the other is such good person over al that they cannot turn from their own kin(this I understand because I have been in the same situation) but I’m so confused and well I can no longer promise to hold back everything I hold inside and then release in poetry and such... I mean who can sit by and watch their life instead of living it? I cant .. not any longer! well I’m going to go work out now so ttyl!