~dream~

~Dream~
I dream of days long past
hurts never healed
fears never shattered

i dream in black adn white
my only color,red
deep and jewel bright like blood

He comes every night in those dreams
waking me in cold sweats
my personal vampire, sucking away my happiness

I dream of his face once beautiful
gone ugly grey and harsh
his lasting words," i'll never let go"

hold my heart as its thumps to its own tune
too scared to close my eyes, but to scared to open them
if only dreams could just never come true

~worth~

~worth~
you mean more than heaven
to me your my rock
the reason i live

you mean so much you could not know
my only push to continue is you
the reason i fight

you mean more than the sky
to me you bring light to my darkness
the reason i strive to be good

you mean more than all the stars
to my dreams you bring meaning
the reason i have hope and faith

you mean more than God
to me you most of my heart
the reason i love you is you

i dont think i handle life... im scared im gonna fall back down my rabbits hole and fail out of school, lost all my friends again, and let myself go to the point to being nothing... If i wish i could take away the pain my uncle is feeling atleast a bit of it... he doesnt deserve to feel the pain. i just want him to have one miracle in his life time and for him pulling out of this and being pain free adn helthy would be so nice... ineed to sleep now

~*tired*~

im tired but not sleepy... my life is full of confusion i guess tomorrows work will help bleh 4 hours till work... i guess im gonn have to suffer...my mind is just too full of stuff to sleep i dont think reading is gonna help either... i want to just talk him... its pathetic but its wahts bothering me the most.. the waht if's are the killers adn he is the largest one... ::sigh:: im happy one way or the other... i just want to know which way i have to be happy.. inbetween is harder than knowing... im pathetic sometimes...

~tired~
blu black cirlces under my eyes
lashes falling steadily down my cheeks
thoughts of you creeping into my mind

exhaustion cant even cure my need to know
half awake dreaming of your face
imagining your arms around me

restlss nights go by an by
string at te ceiling
your presence surrounds me

restless nights leave me longing
swearing that ill sleep
missing your calming voice

shadows growing under my eyes
ever increasing with thesee sleepless nights
couting sheep waiting for you to wake

should i just tell you
cant just wait till i die
terrified of your response

resless nights go by an by
staring at the ceiling
your presence surrounds me

~Newness~

~Newness~
nerves wreck at my stomach
i want to ask the words
so scared i feel like fainting

Heart thumping against my chest
ready to look you in the eyes
words on my lips that die with your smile

wringing my hands
trying not to break unspoken boundries
so hard not to want to kiss you

feeling the beat of the music
moving slowly closer to you with each beat
if only the words would escape my lips

licking dry lips preparing my self for the hurt
wanting to ask you so badly
teriffied of the answers that will come from your purfect mouth
soo terrified of those few words

Don't know

SO I went one date, or rather something very similar to a date. I wish I knew if it was or not... I mean He and I are friends. Should I ruin that part just to find out if my ideas are true or do I just wait and see if we "hang out" on our own again? Gah !!I don't know anymore I do know is that it was a lot of fun! We talked for a long while after the concert and he was saw sweet about trying to open doors and stuff. I keep thinking that I need to just be a bit more aggressive or something but I don't want to ruin the friendship portion of this that I'm scared to do that :: sigh:: always a circle of happy thought to confused. I don't get boys... Their so weird!!! soo yea now I'm putting off writing a paper and talking to my manager at work about my "absence's" since school started. hehe I just gone claim that ivy been sick due to exhaustion by Fridays... Maybe they will finally give me a later time to work on Fridays.... Who knows and cares? Me? No not really... So I love music and the Band I saw last night was pretty awesome, I wish the mic the main singer had would have worked the whole time it was have been nice to hear the lyrics more than the guitars and bass... But it was still awesome ^_^ well laters got work on some stuff >_< HW is icky

~free~

Drifting on waves of voices
basking in the rays from smiles
dancing through thoughts of past talks
radiating pleasure rom your presence
swaying with the tune of rain pouring down
raising my voice with every new note
spinning in this vast happiness
quieting with the growth of a flower
free to be me

~Mistrust~

tearing apart my mind
seeing red with every answer
you want me back
you dont deserve me
did you think you ever did

unshed tears pricking my eyes
bruising finger prints engraved in my mind
you loved me once
you dont now, you cant
did you think i would leave my heart open

years of boiling frustration
pusing forward thoughts of your betrale
you made me promises
you broke thme lon before i broke you
did you expect me to forgive an forget?