Forgiveness really is a powerful tool in life... mainly cuz it allows u to live

~Childs Mask~

under my surface
the waters are not still
they are trashing
churning feeling and emotions

the waves come and go
but the on the surface
not a single ripple shows
the dark waters are hidden

beneath my skin lies a torrent
of anger, sadness, and guilt
unable to let go
feeling everything but showing nothing

the tears that fall in loneliness
are the only comfort I can claim
hidden beneath my smile
lies the sad depths of my soul

no longer hidden from my own mind
that deep forbidding soul awaits
the turbidities of my emotions
ravaging the entirety of my mind

under the surface
imp not happy
but for a moment in time
imp able to see a future were I could be

this week has been hard firs my great aunt passed away, from leukemia, to a better place where she is no longer suffering and can be happy for eternity. but now... now I have been told that my uncle, oh god!, my uncle has cancer, they told me to be positive... they told me that it might be curable... but they don’t know.. Oh God please let this hell be over with... Cancer is the word that I cant handle...
I have 6 uncles... my oldest uncle has cirrhosis of the liver and is on his way to get a liver transplant but until he gets rid of his Hepitis C they cant give him is new liver. everyday he is fighting for his life and suffering the pains of the one of the most horrid disease a human being can endure... the second oldest uncle works way to much and I worry for him... then now my third oldest uncle has informed my family that he has cancer. he dent know what kind of or if its curable or not. But I have to sit here and wonder if a few months down the road or maybe a yea from now he will have left us too... I cant imagine a person that could be more understanding about the circumstance than my uncle but it hurts down to my core... I cant stand death.. I can strand the people I love in pain and now we are enduring more pain than I believe anyone can handle... so please God just read this or maybe even someone else and understand the hurt and pain and just help in some way... I don’t know any other way to help myself or them.. imp only 19 years old and in less the 12 months have lost 2 people in my life and have had to face the reality of maybe losing more soon or seeing them slowly fall apart by treatments that will allow them to live another 10 years...
bye

face to the heavens

~Face to the heavens~
kneeling in the sand
screaming up to the heavens
wanting forgiveness
wishing for life to end or begin
holding my hands up to the sky
pulling them down
as if dragging god into my soul
wishing for life to end or begin
falling face into the ocean
not wanting to breath any longer
being buoyed up constantly
wishing for life to end or begin
tearing my mind away
revealing only soul and heart
showing myself
knowing life had ended and began

the last two days have allowed me to be happy... and i think being positive is helpful for me... by beign happy i feel lighter... i hope tomorrow is as good as today ^_^
ciao

lying to ones self

sitting letting tears well
on the verge of streaming
hot down my face
I’m telling my mind
that the lies are true
and the pain will end

enclosed in my mind
the intricate lies form
weaving a story so unlike mine
telling me that happily ever after
is true, is there
my hearts not broken

laying on the floor
shaking in grief my mind leaves
weaving the pattern of lies
forcing me to try time and again
willing my soul not to shatter
sewing the pieces of my heart up
in a disheveled new pattern

enclosed in my mind
the intricate lies form
weaving a story so unlike mine
telling me that happily ever after
is true, is there
my hearts not broken

facing an open flame
losing my will to live yet again
not knowing where my ghost of a soul will rest
no thoughts are coming
the spiders web of lies lay ruined
as the pieces of my heart
blow away on the wind

enclosed in my mind
the intricate lies no longer form
no more weaving a story so unlike mine
now telling me that happily ever after
is false, is only for fairy tales
my hearts not broken
my heart is obliterated
blown on the wind to the sea


... I can sit thinking that things will get better or I can learn that those that do not protect your heart from slowly breaking, though the seem so right, are not to be the one... for there is no one... its easier to be ice at the soul, cuz that way you can not be hurt.. or maybe steel so that you can not be bent... eventually I will die inside and then I wont have to worry.. cuz then I wont hurt anymore

~Holding my heart~

~Holding my heart~

Holding my heart in your hands
you tear tiny peice after tiny piece
holding the ruins together almost unwillingly

Holding my heart in you hands
you walk away from my soul
ripping my lifeline from my physical being

Holding ym heart in your hands
you unknowingly stripe me of rational thought
breaking my mind as you slowly kill my love and trust

Holding my heart in your hands
you burn an aggonizing scar along my soul
making me unable to let go without force

Holding my heart in your hands
you slowly kill me
taking my sanity love and hate with you as you turn away from me

... today has not been much better than yesterday ... if anything its worse... physical labor and fake happiness is harder than sulking with a book to cover your face... ~sigh~ atleast one good thing come from my low moods... my poetry is always better wehn i depressed or down or sad or mad... happiness is just not a strong enough emotion for me to write with... well im going to go back to staring at the computure screen waiting.. its the only thing i can think of right now and sleep is not a safe haven... laters