loneliness

today i have bee surrounded by people.. but i have had a constent feeling of lonliness... its been eating at me all week... that as much as im surrounded by people i know and love.. i just feel lik im standing alone iin a room... its definently not one of my favorite feelings... i kinda just want it to go away and be abel to feel the warmth and everythign from people... but i just cant seem to pull out this time :-/ i guess that leaves leting it work itself out... i just hope it doesnt take too long. cuz the more i feel lonly the more i feel kinda depressed and the more i get all bleh.. and i ahve been soo happy adn i want to keep it that way!well im off to read more
ttyl

broken down

tears roll down my cheek
burning lines of confused anger
wiped away on the back of dirty hands
trembling with furious rebelion

words spill forth from swollen lips
issuing hateful meaning and pointlessness
pushed out on hissing hot air
dictated with utmost contempt

shaking body curling in on itself
emitting unfocused anger and passion
yearning to be calmed
reaching for its antithesis to be canlced out

slowly the tears are eased
lips hush and utter no more words
uncurling shaking limbs to envelope peaces



my day has been very odd... i broke down for no reason... but the one thing i do know is that i really miss karina and bethany and im very unsure as to how i will find a way to substitute them while thier at school... i tihnk most of my meltdowns re from pent up sadness of missing them... even a cute puppy sitting at my feet isnt makign ti seem better tonight... i still feel like im missing this huge chunk of my heart... gah!! and i ahve to wait till the end of July for karina!!! its gonna be a long 4 months or soo.. welll night al
ciao

up and downs

For every up there is a down... today the only down was the weather.. I passed CHem!!! i was soo worried... i now feel like im floating... kinda a wierd sensation.. though it might be the sugar adn caffine.... im crying im soo happy right now... lol... though today brought me to relalizes some stuff. im ery different from everyone i know... im not anyone other than who i am... adn i cant say that for a alot of ppl i know.. as mucha s they say they dont conform... i ust ... meh im oer this wrting thing tonight.. i wrote a nice long letter/e-mail to my lovely kina and shes the oly one that really needs to know these feelings cuz she'll get them... well ciao im gonan go read now!
<3's

~ The improbable They~

~ The improbable They~

they said my life was impossible
that my dreams were too far fetched
holding me back from realizing the truth

they said my soul was unnatural
that my heart was to big
holding me back from knowing my own self

they said i would go no where
that my ways were improbable and wrong
holding back my tears for knowing i was nothing

they said soo much breaking me down
that i huddled in a mass od dispare
holding my tattered heart in my hand

they no longer and touch me
that i have learned the truth
holding my head high i walk through life

they are no longer in my thoughts
that have been shown a new path
holding the promise of my drams adn the love of my heart and soul

summing things up

can life be summed up in only a few words.... beautiful, painful, short and long... those few words can incompase the whole being of a person life thier nature... the black adn whiteness of life is over power in that sense... good must be the right and bad must be the wrong... but what if life would be summed up differently... my the actions and the living statements of ones being... im afraid of death... its a scary subject and a very sad one... but with death is a new beggining and thus every new beggining in our lies is the death of that part of us... the knowledge that the life before this new one had is handed down adn the new fresh life is appriched iwth vigor... my vigor is running out... how much longer in this life do i ahve to be thrown around and recreated in a new image... i dont want to be summed up in a new fashion... i just want to be that blacka dn whiet picure tat is sen adn beautiful, painful, short and long...
ciao ya'all

sad thoughts

Once i was told to disapear and never come back... it hurt badly cuz it was from a supposed friend... u never know saddness till everything u belived in has been ripped from u, and not gentely or kindly but with all the force they would take it with... Today one of those people added me on facebook:-/ i added them back but the memories im enduring from doing so are a harsh punishment... The story behind this guy is that we all knew he was gay... i mean if it had been the cool thing in jr. high he would have come out... buthe didnt and well im very forward about those kinds of things... Im glad he wa able to find his own power and show the world the true him... but im not proud of what he did to me and how now i feel like every word on his facebook is a flurry of bull shit! i want to belive that the people that hurt me in jr. high cant do that again, and i also want to think that they have grown up and learned that being different isnt a bad thing... but i know deep down ill never forgive them and that scares me.... to be able to hold such a grudge for soo long... No one understands more than me what its life to have ur life torn apart adn into little peices just to find a new life the next yuear in high school where i didnt have to fit... i just had to be me... i will always appreicate that fact and i hope never to le anyone tell me who i am or waht i can be!
welllim off now cuz i have to go to the health center to see if i can see my doctor sooner..
ciao

chaotic perfection

~Chaotic Perfection~

In the chaos of life perfection is simplicity
the calming beauty of the crashing ocean waves
slow flow trikling streamsas thy gurgle by

In the constant drumming of my heart it too refracts
your simplicity and perfection in the light of my eyes
it is chaotic yet so right and strong

I'm hold back my hopes an dreams for this simplicity, this perfection
but fear will only hold me tired down for so long
somethings are just ment to be even in the chaos of nature

In nature i fall with a designed path whirling and spinning about
but once let go i lose all deisign and my heart and mind dance to pumping of my blood
neither side of the dance is stronger than the other so eventually it will end

In life only time can tell us if our original design will work or is the simplicty of perfection is too overwhelmed by chaos

perfect night

Tonight has been pratically perfect... I finished my homework, talked to my friends and one for the best people ever...wathced tv adn now im just chilling... i wish i was tired i would sleep but im not soo i guess ill just watch tv somemore till i pass out.. i think tomorro im gonna work out again and maybe sleep in. Who knows i just ahve everything going soo well. but i just cant wait till sunday.. thats gonna be the best day ever ^_^ ttyl ya'all