failing life

Why do i let myself get fixated on stuff? i don't know and i wish i did. how long can one person go asking the question, "what am i doing wrong in this?" I wish i could just ask straight out, but being me I'm too terrified of the answer to ask the question. Courage is a trait i lack, as much as people say otherwise. I need courage more than i need my useless fears. I fear rejection the most right now. How long can he like me? it only too a few months for the last one to get bored with me and as much as id like to say it was his fault i know its mostly my own. I'm not meant i have happiness for long periods of time. I learned my lesson with being happy for a long time; it was just a one big lie. How do you lie to yourself? oh its SOP easy! being delusional all the time makes life so much easier, but the long you go with the lies the harder your mind pushes the truth forward and its hurts more and more till you break. I cant break right now, i cant handle reaching that point and all the questioning is hard on my poor mind. I probably sound like a crazy person(mainly cuz i am) but also cuz i have a mind that doesn't work in a normal thought process, i uses that's just life for me though. my minds SO full of questions its hard to think even or sleep or eat. i cant function half the time. i know I'm reach in that point where I'm going to break and i just hope that i don't fall apart as bad as i did this summer, i don't have the time to put myself together without failing in some area of life. i guess I've already failed at most of life.. cant hurt too bad to fail even more
::sigh::

~Moon lite Dancer~

~Moon lite Dancer~
moving with sounds no one can hear
sweet melodies rocking my body
twirling in utter joy of life

soft pastels painting my soul
covering a canvas as i move
smiling to the heaven's stars

moonlight softening my path
smooth movements overlapping
moving passing effortlessly

enjoying being lost in the sensation
missing the freedom of flight
the moments of dancing

~Lost to the White~

~Lost to the White~
so confused by this life
living is jest not that important anymore
walking as blank as a brand new canvas
someone paint my life into being
create colors in this black and white sketch
bring life excitement and pleasure
not pain and hate
someone bring me life
hold me tight as i forget to breath
blank as a white canvas in a white room
lost to the implications of sterility
jaded beyond all repair
so confused is my soul
black bleeding white
white bleeding black
battling within but never telling
so confused beyond any return
lost to the sterility of hopelessness

~angle without a halo~

~angle without a halo~
between black and white i wander
in a grey no one knows
lost in my own imagination
void of thoughts

wandering a path set before me
unquestioning undoubted of it
welcoming the silence of my thoughts
pushing forward without vices

blending with the good and bad
unforgiving of my sins
stronger without wanting it
weaker as i don't fight against this

an angle without a halo
a devil with white wings
deceptive smiles and laughs
tears not shed held within me eyes

between black and white i wander
unforgiving of my faults
not living in any form
wanting to live in anyway

~Future in the Stars~

~Future in the Stars~
in the stars lay a future
untested like the deep sea
not tamed like lion
timed as the bird

my destiny lays before me
planned in uncharted waters
laying dormant till I'm called
waiting for the stars to sing

in the stars lays a future
not dark or light in nature
hidden beneath the currents
I'm charted to sail this path unknown

~Fading Away~

~Fading Away~
is it wrong of me to want to ask you what we are?
hiding in the dark far from the answers
blending together without proof an insurgence

am i wrong in wanting you,the whole you?
the one staring at his hands in nervousness
who could easily hold my heart in his

who are you to not make the first move?
making the "what ifs" grow further
making My fear of rejection louder

what can i do to have you see I'm different?
cut out my heart and hand it to you bleeding
dying to touch you in more than just a brush of skin

is it wrong of me to want to ask you what we are?
as you smile your smile and send me melting
waiting for you to tell me what my soul wishes

please i beg as i lie here wanting wishing hoping
tell me of what we are so i don't fade away
holding me close to your heart tell me the truths you know

~Hold me please~

i hold my head high
as tear roll down my cheeks
i did the best i possibly could
as i shook with fright

i hold my head high
as pink stains my cheeks
i tried my hardest never gave up
as i lifted my hand to yours

i hold my head high
as you break my heart slowly
i held back too much
as you let my hand fall

i hold my head high
as proud as any women can be
i followed my heart and dreams
as i felt the pains of love

~song of longing~

I sing my song of longing
Your unknowing ears fall deaf
As my words come out louder
Calling for you to hear them

I sing my song of longing
Knowing you fear its meaning
Implications of things unknown
Singing to draw you to me

I sing my song of longing
While you dance your dance
Jumping leaping away from my words
My song instilling fear and passion

I sing my song of longing
I utter my refrains
You dancing your jig of unknowing
Juggling fear and passion like a sword thrower

I sing my song of longing
As you walk your thin path
Unwilling to move from the middle
Unknowing of my pain

~caught~

~caught~

i sit here crying
blood on my hands
crying to the heavens
for a new chance

i never knew you'd care
couldnt think outside your eyes
lost in your depths of your soul
forgetting who i am

i sit here crying
scars littered over me
reaching for release
wanding to feel

i never knew you'd love me
couldnt pull your lips away
cought in your arms
letting go of reality

i sit here crying
dying inside for you
broeken hearted tears
wanting to fall

i never knew you's break me
couldnt think you hurt me
forgetting who you were
hear left brokenad n bruised

~games~

~games~
you shake me to my core
playing these games with me
unknowing of the things you make me feel

eliciting smiles from my lips
pulling peices of me together
yet leaving me to sit alone

play my heart like you song
slow and sorrowful full of melody
swingin with your tune

taughnting me with slight touches
moving closer to no avail
staring into my eyes to look away

hold my hand instead of looking at it
hug me close instead of dreaming it
love me instead of feeding me lies

~not asking~

~Not asking~
The window to your soul
Closed like the cover of a book
Begging for me to open
Falling into its depths

Eyes drawing feelings I'm scared of
Shining in their warmth
Calling my heart across the table
Lost to your touch

Happiness radiating off of you
Like the rays of the sun on the earth
Rejoicing in you smiles
I'm struck by your beauty

Showing me wonders not known
Adventures gone and in the future
Enticing me to ask you
Can you care for me?