ergnss

ive run into an idea repeatedly in the last few weeks, that i am just not worth it to people. Not worth explaining things to, not worth loving, not worth talking to, and any other sort of things. I am just not wrth the effort. Im not sure how i figured this out but i know its mostly true, yea i have the whole my family loves me thing and in alot of cases i guess that more then other people, but this new sense of worthlessness isnt very good for me. Im al perk and smiles at school and work then im miserable at home. I know that most people are faking things and doing that for work, where i have to be happy and energetic if i am or not has afectively broken some inner working i have leaving me drained afterwards. I want to be worth something to people not just be a bumb in their road, a notch in thier belt, however you want to put it. I guess today was just a long really bad day and i will read this a month from now or a year and laugh at how stupid and melodramatic im acting but right now i really do just feel this way and ahve no clue how to stop it.

~Flaws~

these string that hold me together slowly are unwinding
each fatal flaw is flowing like water off a cliff
I've dived head first into an unknown cry a war song
unraveling every misconception and proving my points
i have fallen apart and been put back together the wrong way
not who i was not who i am just being lost in translation

rambling away

im lonely tonight, not to mention tired. My whole week is going to be like this, long and tired You would think i was used to it by now im really not though. I think the lonely part is the hardest part to get over though. I've never been fond of being lonely or alienated. I want certain people to have time to hang out wth me and vis-a-versa. When i finally make time though they dont have any or its only a very shrt period of time. Ideas on fillin less lonly: brnach out and talk to strangers(slightly scary and least likely), use my phone more and talk to people that way, take time off of work and just wing it for a weekend w/o chores and shiza, need more ideas cuz i feel these are lacking in common sense. Mostly im jst lost in thought lately about waht i want from life. What do i truely want to do when i graduate in two years? How do i really feel about the yungster and what to do with said feelings?how to loss weight while having no time at all.. and so much more...i tihnk the yungster is my biggest worry lately because i do think i like the idea of there being more there just not sure what to do with that idea or how to bring it up even.erg im going to go ramble to my handwritten journal now and hope i fall asleep on it

~Black Knight and Soft words~

how your words always left me breathless
yearning to understand the hidden meaning
lowering my walls to let you in

how you plucked at my heartstrings
playing me as a tool and loving it
trapped in my own walls now lost

built this tower around me to be safe
like Rapunzel's to high to ever escape
closed in a bubble of loathing and lust

how i wanted you to love me like in a fairytale
my own white knight in shinning armor gone black
trapped me within a cage to slowly fade away

.............

how your words always left me breathless
yearning to understand the hidden meaning
lowering my walls to let you in

how you plucked at my heartstrings
playing me as a tool and loving it
trapped in my own walls now lost

built this tower around me to be safe
like Rapunzel's too high to ever escape
closed in a bubble of loathing and lust

how i wanted you to love me like in a fairytale
my own white knight in shinning armor gone black
trapped me within a cage to slowly fade away

~My Haunting End~

The loneliness inside of me grows as each fortification crumbles,
Holding no peace for my wretched heart,
Tears slide down my cheeks as a sign that tomorrow will not come,
The invisible blade is held above my bosom ready to strike,
A wretched soul tattered with no hopes of relief from its internal hemorrhaging
Releasing this eternal blade forever reliving me of heartache and sorrows, to just live
One last sorrowful smile i will grace you with and haunt you till life's end

~Lost Connection~

so used to you not loving me anymore
this connection is only hurting
its burning me from the inside out
leaving an empty encasement

where was this unknown love
so long ago when i needed it
to hold and protect me from harm
i cry now for pointless losses

we could have been so happy then
with your love meet by mine
gone is that chance only time will tell
wishing to love you and you to love back