~remebering again~

imagining your lips on mine whispering words
remembering the smile i received after such a kiss
how your eyes would darken and see just me
playing solitaire to look up and not see you laughing
i wish i could burn these memories so they would stop
with time it grows better yet i still can taste your kiss
i remember how your hugs could calm me in just the first second
wanting to forget is not enough because i still see you
i see you laying in my bed bathed in morning light sleeping
in the moonlight as we walk a beach and run from waves crashing
i can still see you when i close my eyes an let the memories fall
kisses so soft, held so gentle i would not break, i see you
even with my eyes closed i have an after image of you burned to my soul

How the might fall

I don't know what to think anymore. I'm human. what a simple yet complicated statement. Most people I know probably wouldn't say I'm human in a normal sense, mainly because I'm not. I am the total opposite of normal actually. I love to talk to people, yet I'm terrified to try anymore because of all the friendships that I have lost over the last 3 years. Even some of the people I'm very close to now don't know every stitch that makes me up. Hell I don't even know all of me yet! Yet, I am human. I bleed when cut, I cry when I am sad, I turn tomato red in front of the boys I've ever likes (they see it as endearing I see it as a curse). These things that connect me never came to mind till I found out I was able to be defeated. That my high ideas and morals could be broken, even if only for a short while. I know some people would laugh and tell me " Oh, how that great have fallen" because of statements I have made previously. They have no clue that though I'm a hypocrite now the repercussion for them and for me are very different. I don't let go of my faults well. It a very bad habit I picked up when I was young. knowing where I am weak allowed me to either get better or ignore that part of me. In general I am not a weak person. I hold my ideas, plans, and dreams dearly and above all else. Yet, here I am fallen from my plan wallowing away in front of the keyboard typing just so that I can sleep and not feel guilty. For I do feel guilty even after and apology and realizing I'm human I just am unable to accept that I will make mistakes and forgo my ideas for short periods of time in life, if not for the adventure then because I feel a need or pull to the situation.
Its funny how this situation all came about because of boredom and loneliness. The key is that to become human I have to forget who I am if only for a second and just let instinct rule me. Instinct it something that I don't like to run off of because I give it control and do not get the reins back fast enough ever. At twenty years old I am fairly certain I have only let instinct guide me twice. Of those two times only one is regretted. Regret. That is a word I never wanted to use and really feel it made sense. Yet here I am at 1am on Saturday mornin' and its all I can feel. Pain and regret and loss. I have fallen from my moral high ground and been left with nothing to stand on.
I severely need sleep. I severely need love, the real kind where the other half of me is finally full and I have that tingly sensation with every look or touch. I'm a hopeless romantic so get lost if ya can't handle it! I need to be allowed to be a fee spirit and not feel restricted by my lack of eloquence and beauty. I am in need of acceptance for my true self and my beliefs. I need so much that is not able to be given or taken. I am lost. Lost to every emotion that filters through my brain and the information of this day and age. In ten years I will have faded into a huge oblivion of the work world and have no place in history. I am to be no one, even though I was someone. I write too much.
Fin

~ cry~

slowly you stripped me of the layers of protection
the defenses i use to hide from the memories
closing my eyes to the touches laid on me
shaking ever so slightly as my brain screams no
words that never leave my mouth
just show through tear stained cheeks and hollow eyes
regret pushing forward so fast i want to disappear
overwhelmed by this feeling of wrongness and lost
innocents so coveted not fully lost to physical need

~Lack of Sleep~

I'm not fond of not sleeping
but thoughts just keep pressing on my mind
weighing so very heavy in the air
suffocating with their presence
lightly i dream of things that bring tears
waking just to want to sleep again
such little reason to continue on this time
I'm not fond of not sleeping
being dragged day to day with no outlet
forced to see reality 24/7
dreams are my last chance to see this
suffocating as my thoughts whirl faster
sad words sweet kisses and acceptance of pain

~SIn~

shuttered eyes are trying to see into my soul
a place of secret scars hopes and longings
Sin is what you called so many times
well this sin will never repent for its wrongs
remembering how we both came up breathless hurts
looking into shuttered eyes i see nothing
lost that ability to see into that beautiful soul
Sin was what it all felt like in the end
lost to the insticts a vindictive god gave me
not seeing the smiling light in your eyes is hard
harder than i could have ever imagined
give me your attention, lust and this sinful feeling
pulling away just as easily as if it never happened
shuttered eyes are trying to see into my soul
a place they are no longer wanted so leave me be

~Nature~

beauty held within a drop of rain
mirrored by the tears falling down
explained away by faulty moral code
harsh reality as clear as fog on the bay
the drive to move on running out like the world
slowly the turning is stopping
the music has begun to be deaf to my ears
the beauty i see is held precariously
like the drop of a tear from the corner of my eye

~Surrender~

this repeated breaking needs to end
i feel trapped in to a cycle i never wanted
rescind to my fate of being alone
every touch i miss makes me weaker
how i imagine your laugh when i sleep
I'm breaking, giving in and surrendering my flag
lost to the the pits of despair and unhappiness
my life was not meant to be anything but
how broken can i be, when i was never whole to start with

~Not Simple~

I fall down this ridiculous hill every time
moving on seemed so simple, just forget
if only it were so simple
your understanding if hardest to stomach
seeming you and not that beautiful smile
forgetting is not so simple
You left me at the bus stop wondering
how can you look so unhappy, just forget
If only it were that simple
We talk now as if just friends
knowing that there is a rift vastly growing
Expected to live on and not fall again, i fall
I've fallen down this ridiculous hill straight to you

SEA rant and ~Crashing~

Life is so unfair. I want to do this wonderful awesome program, but i cant!! I can not do the program for so many reasons.
1) 25,000 for one semester no matter where or how or when is out of the question for me
2) My school is on the Quarter system and will not fit well with their semester system at all
3) I would miss out on classes imperative to my BS degree in Earth Sciences even though i would be doing them on the damn boat!
4) My family would kill me if i missed Christmas
5) I fear i would be shitty at the program thus have not contacted the financial aide department though i know they only cover up to 25% of the tuition which leave me with a large sum still
6) I don't know if i could handle being away from my family for so long without contact with me. i might say man things about them and not want them to suffocate me but i love them dearly and they are my only constant
::sigh:: ain't i shit out of luck on this. The program i want to attend but effectively am to scared/ broke to apply and do is the Woods Hole SEA semester. The program i want to join goes from October 7 2007 till December 31 2007. I would travel from Woods Hole Ma to the Key West Fl then from Puerto Vallart Mexico to Papeete Tahiti. Oh gods that would so cool to do! The hardest part to say no to is that the subject matter on the Pacific coast journey is Oceans and Climate Change I mean that is so what i want to study, though my focus is more on the Caribbean Plateau and how its movement effected the climate. Gods aren't i boring? Even with the extra 2,500 off the final price of the cruise/semester i would be horribly short not to mention probably the dumbest person to ever board on of their awesome sail boats. I know i should have mor faith in myself but i know it would be true. Maybe its time i go talk to my counselor for Earth science and she what she thinks about this and maybe suggest it as a good opening for a Capstone project my senior year(which means waiting a long ass time for it!).
New Notes living below your Ex is excruciatingly annoying. Not really but i miss hanging out with him an at the moment I'm very tempted to go up stairs and ask for him. I know hes there because hes playing is guitar rather loudly. Its quiet nice to hear him play since he kind of stopped at the end of last quarter and it normally quiet relaxing to hear someone play cords for an hour or so if that then mess around with tunes. I severely miss his friendship. I think i said that already but its very true and bugs me allot. I mean i like the guy fine still and all even to the point that i would definitely take him back if he wanted to date me again, but its hard loss a friendship that was there for half a year so suddenly and totally. We still tal, yeah, but its not the fun talks we used to have or talk like we had when we went to the merry-go-round by Thimm Labs. I've also come to the disicion that I'm not fully meant to have a relationship without being overboard or not into it at all. I'm and all or nothing kind of person. (need passion anyone cuz I've got tons!!) I just have to wait till i find that connection i seem to crave. ::sigh:: i don't think its right that i feel guilty for my actions with him, but i do. I don't think its right that i went comatose for two weeks but i did. I don't think its right that i was rejected because of a time conflict but i was, am, i don't now and i don't like not knowing. I thin too much for my own good and have dreams and goals only another dreamer can imagine. I focus my life on my long term goals but cant ever seem to make a short term commitment meet to its full potential.
~Crashing~
I want to change but have no idea how to deviate from my current crash course.
Following a set code only seen to my minds eye
I'm carabeaning from cliffs that would daunt even the worlds best climbers
Gravity has made me as light as a feather but left me hard like steel
Crashing my way through problems undefined like a tsunami crushing an island
I following nothing but my own dreams and goals while the world goes around me
How could i change the course of this tsunami, deviate from an unknown path, give in
I will crash with a force unknown and slowly pull together just to do it again

~Lost in the Music~

the rhythms are beating through my soul
finally letting go of my chains to move
feeling my passion twirl an twist from me
the music an I becoming one entity
steps fall faster then slower intensity rising
letting every wrong and right was away in bliss
forgetting the world in a whirl of notes

~Exaplanations~

I would explain to you who i am
but not much would be behind those words
to explain you would have to see
see through my eyes and walk in my shoes
you would never understand the words
or how the tears have mingles with blood
I would show you my deepest thoughts
but your mind could not processes them
I'm deep like the ocean where the depths are black
you could never imagine the beginnings
or how the fears formed in the first place
If i could explain who i am you would not know me
you would be left with a shattered image

~Fading angel~

I see the wings you have
As the halo you wear is slipping
A prayer answered with pain
Once so pure but innocence is lost

I saw your wings begin to fade
As the halo broken in pieces
No prayer is utter through your lips
Once so faithful now faithless

I wish for wings like you had
As I look for a halo not for me
My prayers long forgotten
Ones so full of hope left hopeless

~Dying words~

I'm missing your laugh so much tonight
I hear it in my mind as you type to me
You've stopping saying all the words right
About how your day was a mess and how there's a we
I don't know what to think anymore, its all white
Pure intentions like the growing of a tree
The tree is killing little flowers by blocking out the light
Like those flowers I'm dying to be
I want to be pushed away, oh how you were right
I'm dying again as the string attached to you strangles me

~Broken Shell~

a coat of sticky slime encompasses me
as I lie to you the guilt betrays me
giving away that my soul is not yet healed
I'll hold your hand but it no you I want
with every smile the scum i wear thickens
I want to scrap is off but it just gets thicker
you pulled me from an abyss yet i falter
wanting to fall back into the dark you saved me from
as I lie to you my smile grows weaker
a broken shell of a person you've seen the light in

~Stasis~

A new begging is all I'm asking for
reaching for like a bud waking to morning sun
how I'm waiting for that newest door to open
impatiently awaiting new knowledge and love

A dance only I can see is forming
on the verge of placing those first steps
balanced on tip-toes for the beat of the music
thundering like my heart beat I'm waiting

I'll wait till my soul has left me to begin
if needed I'll hold this stasis for you
to show that I have my new begging held tight
I wont miss the beat this time, I'll be perfect
(pic is from Deviant art by ThirstyEye)