SEA rant and ~Crashing~

Life is so unfair. I want to do this wonderful awesome program, but i cant!! I can not do the program for so many reasons.
1) 25,000 for one semester no matter where or how or when is out of the question for me
2) My school is on the Quarter system and will not fit well with their semester system at all
3) I would miss out on classes imperative to my BS degree in Earth Sciences even though i would be doing them on the damn boat!
4) My family would kill me if i missed Christmas
5) I fear i would be shitty at the program thus have not contacted the financial aide department though i know they only cover up to 25% of the tuition which leave me with a large sum still
6) I don't know if i could handle being away from my family for so long without contact with me. i might say man things about them and not want them to suffocate me but i love them dearly and they are my only constant
::sigh:: ain't i shit out of luck on this. The program i want to attend but effectively am to scared/ broke to apply and do is the Woods Hole SEA semester. The program i want to join goes from October 7 2007 till December 31 2007. I would travel from Woods Hole Ma to the Key West Fl then from Puerto Vallart Mexico to Papeete Tahiti. Oh gods that would so cool to do! The hardest part to say no to is that the subject matter on the Pacific coast journey is Oceans and Climate Change I mean that is so what i want to study, though my focus is more on the Caribbean Plateau and how its movement effected the climate. Gods aren't i boring? Even with the extra 2,500 off the final price of the cruise/semester i would be horribly short not to mention probably the dumbest person to ever board on of their awesome sail boats. I know i should have mor faith in myself but i know it would be true. Maybe its time i go talk to my counselor for Earth science and she what she thinks about this and maybe suggest it as a good opening for a Capstone project my senior year(which means waiting a long ass time for it!).
New Notes living below your Ex is excruciatingly annoying. Not really but i miss hanging out with him an at the moment I'm very tempted to go up stairs and ask for him. I know hes there because hes playing is guitar rather loudly. Its quiet nice to hear him play since he kind of stopped at the end of last quarter and it normally quiet relaxing to hear someone play cords for an hour or so if that then mess around with tunes. I severely miss his friendship. I think i said that already but its very true and bugs me allot. I mean i like the guy fine still and all even to the point that i would definitely take him back if he wanted to date me again, but its hard loss a friendship that was there for half a year so suddenly and totally. We still tal, yeah, but its not the fun talks we used to have or talk like we had when we went to the merry-go-round by Thimm Labs. I've also come to the disicion that I'm not fully meant to have a relationship without being overboard or not into it at all. I'm and all or nothing kind of person. (need passion anyone cuz I've got tons!!) I just have to wait till i find that connection i seem to crave. ::sigh:: i don't think its right that i feel guilty for my actions with him, but i do. I don't think its right that i went comatose for two weeks but i did. I don't think its right that i was rejected because of a time conflict but i was, am, i don't now and i don't like not knowing. I thin too much for my own good and have dreams and goals only another dreamer can imagine. I focus my life on my long term goals but cant ever seem to make a short term commitment meet to its full potential.
~Crashing~
I want to change but have no idea how to deviate from my current crash course.
Following a set code only seen to my minds eye
I'm carabeaning from cliffs that would daunt even the worlds best climbers
Gravity has made me as light as a feather but left me hard like steel
Crashing my way through problems undefined like a tsunami crushing an island
I following nothing but my own dreams and goals while the world goes around me
How could i change the course of this tsunami, deviate from an unknown path, give in
I will crash with a force unknown and slowly pull together just to do it again