~New Year~

~New Year~
not knowing who we are till breaking
falling apart at the seams
mind always racing with thoughts

questions of self and loathing
failing every goal set forth
hating what Ive become

not knowing who you are till its too late
passing that point of no return long ago
failing, hating,crying, dying inside

smiling is harder everyday glued in place
the mask is slipping away with the tears
shattering with recognition of self

not knowing who we are till we've broken
as the pieces lay throw across the floor
a mirror of the deceptive lies we've told and believed

~Split Family~

Perfect family always happy
broken always down the middle
a hidden war raging under the surface

smiles flashing around everyone
yelling and screaming in the void of home
never ending circle of facades

happiness only in public
hidden tears rolling down
music loud enough to drowned it out

perfect family always loving
hugs and love seen in your eyes
threats and insults in my safe place

no scars to prove the anger
hidden mind that never speaks
perfect child hidden in the room

Pointless apologizes and promises
damage not able to to be repaired
love beyond all swallowed by anger

Perfect family split in two
right down the middle
leaving the crying child to linger in between

talking till im tired

I should sleep, but i cant or maybe its wont. I'm not sure of why i cant sleep. I'm excited for My trip, maybe that's whats keeping me up. I miss Cole already and wish we would have had more time just hanging out. I wish he would just not be so shy, but at the same time i like that shyness. Its all so confusing. I wish he was online right now. I really do have allot to say to him without fear that I'll run into him when i leave my room an turn bright red. He hugged me for the first time on Weds. It was kinda stiff an stuff but i think we were both a bit awkward, which is sad. He gave me the most awesome gift though! He got my Montey Python and the holy grail ^_^ way awesome and sweet in the sense that we had talked about it and i had said that i had a need to watch it eventually and he actually listened, that's something new in my life. I wonder if when we stopped hugging i was bright red... i felt like i was =( i hope not because weal i blush to much. My minds being way complicated. I don't know why its doing that too. I woner what I'm supposed to consider him. I mean were not like BF/GF really... i guess its just complicated, hmmm, that's sounds about right complicated is probably the best word for my life and situations and all that. I got a C in Marine Geology. It maes me sad that i couldn't get a better grade. Maybe if someone would have been a bit More helpful or there had been a bit more understating about my Uncles death and me missing classes for it. But the what ifs are over know considering that i got the C in the class. I'm happy i passed i just, whatever . I want to know my math grade and world societies grade.I hate waiting for grades its nerve racking! I'm excited for my trip, i think already said this. I'm going to Puerto Vallarta for 7 days. I get to sit on a beach int he sun and trun tan and relax and do nothing. I don't get to be yelled at to clean my room, do chores, wake up early if i don't want to, feel pressured to be perfect. Maybe that's why i feel so great around Cole he has no expectations of me that he has made known at least. i want to go walk the beach right now and clear my head but A) Cole i like 2 hrs away B) Im at home and thst not kool with my parents (the whole taking off at midnight) C)its raining.... im tired now im gonan go count sheep till i sleep