failing life

Why do i let myself get fixated on stuff? i don't know and i wish i did. how long can one person go asking the question, "what am i doing wrong in this?" I wish i could just ask straight out, but being me I'm too terrified of the answer to ask the question. Courage is a trait i lack, as much as people say otherwise. I need courage more than i need my useless fears. I fear rejection the most right now. How long can he like me? it only too a few months for the last one to get bored with me and as much as id like to say it was his fault i know its mostly my own. I'm not meant i have happiness for long periods of time. I learned my lesson with being happy for a long time; it was just a one big lie. How do you lie to yourself? oh its SOP easy! being delusional all the time makes life so much easier, but the long you go with the lies the harder your mind pushes the truth forward and its hurts more and more till you break. I cant break right now, i cant handle reaching that point and all the questioning is hard on my poor mind. I probably sound like a crazy person(mainly cuz i am) but also cuz i have a mind that doesn't work in a normal thought process, i uses that's just life for me though. my minds SO full of questions its hard to think even or sleep or eat. i cant function half the time. i know I'm reach in that point where I'm going to break and i just hope that i don't fall apart as bad as i did this summer, i don't have the time to put myself together without failing in some area of life. i guess I've already failed at most of life.. cant hurt too bad to fail even more
::sigh::