rambling

im sittng here at 8till midnight thinking of everything and yet nothing at all. I want to call the boy that has been in my thoughts all day because my mind is soo much more still while im with him. Then i dont want to be with him at all because of the things i always think adn pretend to do but dont. I am a coward in every sense of the word. I rather live in the world of my mind were things are so much more simplictic but alas im unable to fall into that rabbits hole. Im really cold again, it was sucha beautiful day and i was so warm while i layed in the sun after i had lunch(the only meal today :-/)while i shuffled cards thinking. i want to walk the beach with him agan and again till every thought ive ever conceived is brought to the surface and put on displace for him to know and talk of. His sincerity is awe inspiring. I woder if he is just to innocent to even know my whole mind. maybe the world is. its best to keep ones mind to oneself when you ahve no clue were it is the thoughts you think surface from. I want to write more because i feel lighter when i have written but then again my heart is my sleeve if you look close enough. Im broke, i woder if i ahve always been this way. i always want the impossible in life love career mind. who knows maybe those high goals will one day be fullfiled. i dont sleep well most nights now, i wonder what it is about ym dreams that wakes me so that i lay for hours not thinking just taking in the quiet of the early morning. one of these days i need to wach that sunrise and find my peace with it, just because it brings another day does not make it the enemy, more so it makes it a timless companion and confidant. long days should conclude with tired minds, i tihnk my mind just speeds up till i collapse into bed to wake hours later having not felt sleep in any way. ::sigh:: imust try to sleep now, being awake for 20 hrs is too much for any one soul in this horrid life