black and blue

you've held my heart in your grasp for so long
for so much of that time we spent it in denial
now the words are in the open and we are lost
I'm open to your games, except for when they are empty

black and blue that's how you always leave me
not in a physical sense but my heart is hurting
pulsing and bleeding as old scars are reopened
why can't you see the unshod tears I have

letting me go was hard the first time I know
because it took us years to say what we thought was goodbye
and now there is this tiny flame that is overwhelming
terrifying and exhilarating as we figure it all out

black and blue is how my whole being feels
knowing your head rules your whole being
leaves my heart trampled and ready to explode
waiting for the right moment like a bomb ticking away

when the timer goes off our fates will be decided
leaving a limbo of unanswered questions and thoughts
scaring our hearts no matter the outcome
leaving us both black and blue and confused

in the light

when the sun is shining my heart beats
my mouth smiles and my eyes see roses

come dusk as the sun slips to the sea
my heart slows my eyes are blinded

as the rays sparkle and glitter my being is whole
once they are dimmed i shatter amongst the moonlight

I play the part of happy so well they never know
beyond my smile the layers are only darkness

Not able to break free of the patterns
barreling through life singlemindedly

when the sun is shining you think my heart is beating
but is shattered with the night and cannot beat

When you know

everything i say is coming out without my say so
i can't even filter in the words from your mouth
the fears are all that stream through my mind
tonight the tears are falling because of our loss

Losing it all

In the blink of an eye its all gone
the fairytale dream broke into a million peices
leaving behind the husk of a person

driving down a road heading for endless pain
seeing only sunshine and blue skies
feelings hurricanes on the inside

A bright light leads my way now
the new life we made showed me the way
bring from the husk a spark

Tears keep falling into the oceans you created
 slamming everything in the opposite direction
your words can no longer break me down

The spark consumes all the anger and fear and hatred
turing it all into fuel to succeed where I was failing
living in reality and pushing forward

Our little present from heaven reminds me
day in day out that I push forward no matter what
because no matter how much cared it wasn't meant to be

The ocean of tears are drying up
no longer swallowing me whole
instead its release

.....

The emptiness inside me consumes every thought
like a blackhole it sucks every ounce of sunlight away
I smile by forcing my eyes to read what I don't feel
missing a crucial part of my being twice over
Hatred bubbles from my chest at others joy
with everyone elses happiness
This blackness inside of me is suffocating
only one thought is left, sadness
Endlessly the tears pour down my cheeks
leaving trails that speak of my hurt
Nearly every part of me wants this back
bad enough to betray and hurt others
I'll overcome this somehow
i dont know how but i will
for the lost i will fight to remain afloat
of my endless tears

Losing it over nothing

In my own search for who i am
it it when i get lost that i feel the most like me
fumbling and blind to everything
yet seeing it all for the first time
so who am i if i am just lost wondering

feeling my way through out this being with my feet and heart
searching for an answer that I have
yet choose to think there is more too
how can i keep being without knowing who i am

from person to person my existence changes
falling from high to low and shinning to dull without a warning
my person is full of these contradictions
leaving my true self shielded behind all the unseen questions

Life Quote

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. ~William Rogers~ very good quote need to use as theme for life

~Speaking~

your voice rings loud and clear
speaking from your gut you'll move on
giving out comfort for your efforts

how can i respond to such blunt words
so clean and clear like dew drops
I'm so lost in my own thoughts

i feel you looking for the answers
with every breath I'm reforming them
trying to express my fears and wants

your voice has me flying so high
I've wrapped myself in this new feeling
reveling in what i hope are smile

I will find these words to tell you
so hard to form in the fear of losing
ruining something not even there yet

you'll be my wish on my falling stars
that one bright dot i can see up ahead
if only i could open my mouth and speak

Stronger

never been as weak as i was made to be
have no need for a presence to override mine
I'll outshine you all in the end

stronger than you know
tears are just an escape
fluid steel makes me stronger
that which doesn't kill me
will always make me stronger
stronger than you

passing through these road blocks
riding the waves as they come at me
watch me climb a latter you can't see

stronger than you know
anger is just an excuse
titanium reinforcements make me up
you know that what can't kill me
will only end with me stronger

I dance on the floor right in front of you
you cant touch me in anyway because i wont see you
watch as i outshine you and prove that your not worth it

strongest thing you've ever come up against
breathing out a fire you can't handle
what hasn't killed me
has made me stronger than you could ever think

Bird Cage

hitting another breaking point
haven't shed a tear for you
running till the worlds a blur
carrying me away from the pain
i woke again to you being gone

come on baby just say the lie
i know its on your tongue
come on and break me slowly
i know you'll never truly come back

leaving the mark of your hatred for me
the black and blue heart scattered
screaming silently under water
looking at the surfaces never wanted to come up
the note left on the dresser lays wet on the floor now

come on baby just say the lie
i know its on your tongue
come on and break me slower
i know you'll never truly come back

finding a broken strength my wings will spread
I'm leaving now baby for the first time
won't look back to see your face
as i finally let the tears roll down my cheeks
freeing myself from this cage you built about me

come on baby just say the lie
i know its on your tongue
come on and break me slowly
i know you'll never truly come back
cuz I've flown from my pristine cage
broken and beautiful in the glory of freedom
by:Speshall on deviantart.com

black hole

i never stopped giving
hoping that an empty heart could be filled
the pit holes that now make it up bleed
the fresh red of a rose at the end of winter
i am left on ice to stay alive but catatonic
none of the hope i have returned
everything given ripped away by selfish ideals
this hurting flows deeper and more angry everyday
passing blood bone ans marrow down to my core
a little black place few have seen
a black hole that i have allowed to consume me
faster and faster it eats at me
soon when you take what i have none to give you will see
see the black pit behind the kind blue eyes that hold no light
notice the final mask has been flung away in attempts to breath
gone soon will be my hope, my dreams, my life
for you broke more than just a heart, but a being

by:~i-imagine on deviantart.com

~Enduring memories~

I've fallen into this ocean
overwhelmed by this something that is bigger than me
i promised i would never let you in
the reminder of how you sucked my soul dry
left me to rot in my own person hell on earth
how i long to forget every word and be held again
I've always broken the promises i intended to keep
worn down by our enduring memories and touches
imperfect in our beautifully chaotic ways
so lost on our paths we refuse to see the light
i promised with a scream that I'd never fall
another promise yet broken with my shattered heart
for I've fallen into an ocean
allowing it to consume me and wishing it to love me back

~*over my shoulder*~

I look back over my shoulder and see you there.
You stand there in the unknown.
 Surrounded by the mists of doubt.
I will always wonder at the answers you will give me.
 I am continuously left on the verge of feeling, feeling anything in this frozen world.
Would i pity your inability to make the final jump again, when i let you fall without me catching you the last time.
 left falling, we have finally come to a frozen limbo where doubt is friend and foe.

ergnss

ive run into an idea repeatedly in the last few weeks, that i am just not worth it to people. Not worth explaining things to, not worth loving, not worth talking to, and any other sort of things. I am just not wrth the effort. Im not sure how i figured this out but i know its mostly true, yea i have the whole my family loves me thing and in alot of cases i guess that more then other people, but this new sense of worthlessness isnt very good for me. Im al perk and smiles at school and work then im miserable at home. I know that most people are faking things and doing that for work, where i have to be happy and energetic if i am or not has afectively broken some inner working i have leaving me drained afterwards. I want to be worth something to people not just be a bumb in their road, a notch in thier belt, however you want to put it. I guess today was just a long really bad day and i will read this a month from now or a year and laugh at how stupid and melodramatic im acting but right now i really do just feel this way and ahve no clue how to stop it.

~Flaws~

these string that hold me together slowly are unwinding
each fatal flaw is flowing like water off a cliff
I've dived head first into an unknown cry a war song
unraveling every misconception and proving my points
i have fallen apart and been put back together the wrong way
not who i was not who i am just being lost in translation

rambling away

im lonely tonight, not to mention tired. My whole week is going to be like this, long and tired You would think i was used to it by now im really not though. I think the lonely part is the hardest part to get over though. I've never been fond of being lonely or alienated. I want certain people to have time to hang out wth me and vis-a-versa. When i finally make time though they dont have any or its only a very shrt period of time. Ideas on fillin less lonly: brnach out and talk to strangers(slightly scary and least likely), use my phone more and talk to people that way, take time off of work and just wing it for a weekend w/o chores and shiza, need more ideas cuz i feel these are lacking in common sense. Mostly im jst lost in thought lately about waht i want from life. What do i truely want to do when i graduate in two years? How do i really feel about the yungster and what to do with said feelings?how to loss weight while having no time at all.. and so much more...i tihnk the yungster is my biggest worry lately because i do think i like the idea of there being more there just not sure what to do with that idea or how to bring it up even.erg im going to go ramble to my handwritten journal now and hope i fall asleep on it

~Black Knight and Soft words~

how your words always left me breathless
yearning to understand the hidden meaning
lowering my walls to let you in

how you plucked at my heartstrings
playing me as a tool and loving it
trapped in my own walls now lost

built this tower around me to be safe
like Rapunzel's to high to ever escape
closed in a bubble of loathing and lust

how i wanted you to love me like in a fairytale
my own white knight in shinning armor gone black
trapped me within a cage to slowly fade away

.............

how your words always left me breathless
yearning to understand the hidden meaning
lowering my walls to let you in

how you plucked at my heartstrings
playing me as a tool and loving it
trapped in my own walls now lost

built this tower around me to be safe
like Rapunzel's too high to ever escape
closed in a bubble of loathing and lust

how i wanted you to love me like in a fairytale
my own white knight in shinning armor gone black
trapped me within a cage to slowly fade away

~My Haunting End~

The loneliness inside of me grows as each fortification crumbles,
Holding no peace for my wretched heart,
Tears slide down my cheeks as a sign that tomorrow will not come,
The invisible blade is held above my bosom ready to strike,
A wretched soul tattered with no hopes of relief from its internal hemorrhaging
Releasing this eternal blade forever reliving me of heartache and sorrows, to just live
One last sorrowful smile i will grace you with and haunt you till life's end

~Lost Connection~

so used to you not loving me anymore
this connection is only hurting
its burning me from the inside out
leaving an empty encasement

where was this unknown love
so long ago when i needed it
to hold and protect me from harm
i cry now for pointless losses

we could have been so happy then
with your love meet by mine
gone is that chance only time will tell
wishing to love you and you to love back