~waiting~

i lay sleepless
breath in breath out
your face haunting me
signing into the darkness
i watch the ceiling
eyes open eyes closed
imagining your hugging me close
wrapping my arms to my chest to stay warm
i sit talking to you
laughining eyes twinkling
can you see me there
wanting to be yours and only yours
i lay sleepless
while you sleep above me
peaceful in your dreams
oblivious to my waiting
breath in and open your eyes to me

bitter

i am a bitter sweet person tis a sad true to deal with

~longing~

~longing~
your hands know my body
every curve and dip
with one touch
you elicit more feeling
than anyone ive known

your lips crush mine
in a memorising dance
of soft tenderness
i ache for more everytime

everytime you draw away from me
ur spell if renewed upon m heart
i wnt ot scream for this loning neead
for you to touach me and i you

i want you to mine and i yours
no, i an desepart for that concetion
to feel the sparks flying
and senses melting into oblivion

~self loathing~

~self loathing~
pain so unimaginable
racing like blood in veins
pounding with every beat

tearing at every fiber
like acid poured on skin
sizzling every drop poured

barriers unknown to the world
built of steal and malice
hatred once self unknown

scares left fading on skin
from fingernails dull and tearing
a long unable to be pushed over the edge

let me die here
in a puddle of my own misery
let my love die as the light has from my eyes

~Twisted path~

~Twisted path~
winding swirling are the emotions
floating in currents unsee
warped and pulled and pushed
who knows these voices hear
no one but can understand
they draw me again to you
i fall every time for the wrong story
cinderella never was real
reality is to harsh for faries and love
oh the twisted path my heart is on

Moralitys story

the wise woman told me
fools rush living

the wise man told me
fools fall in love

the foolish woman told me
of fantastic adventures

the foolish man told me
of passion and fire

i am a fool
who rushed living

i am a fool who
feel for the passions of love

scared is the fool who is hurt
the child whispered in your ear

heartbroken is the the wiseman
who never loved a soul

moral is do not rush living
do love, with passion and fire

live freely but do not hurt
love sparingly so as not to fear

and be happy for these lessons
come at no price but to listen to a story

.... fools rush in... i am a fool... a fool for love.. a fool for life.. a fool in general... i lid to myself for ages saying i was in love whiel i was jjust trying to keep from lossing the first person and only person i thought could love me.... then i fall for this wonderful boy... yes boy in comparison to my age... oo young they said well bah imma fall anyways... i fell alright.. i feel right back into a world f uncertainty, moral dilema, and hurt, hell ya the good was great! but the bad was wosrt and hurt three times more... what too do with myself? huh? oh lets wallow in self pity and escape the world.. thus i did.. not caring who i hurt in the prosses... mainly i hurt myself.. but i also hurt others... i hurt ppl with harsh words adn not being an ear to listen when they needed one.. to wrapped up in my own mess, of my own making... thne it all fell away and life went on... now that boy , oh such a wonderful boy is almost a man (per say) an i find myself thinking.. would they approve now? would it be accepted... would this boy that i broke his heart(or was it just his hopes of dating me?) so long ago? will he have me? so far hes only pushed me farther and farther away... how am i to fix my imstakes if the one perosn that melted the ice on my heart can no longer look me in the eye and send shivers down my spine?? where is the passion, the fire, the excitment... or will i live my life through adn settle for the mundan job and husband hat i do not fully love? who know ...

~Say Goodbye~

Say Goodbye

say goodbye and goodnite
wish me sweet soft dreams
while i lay awake dying slowly

gone is the innocense of the child
broken is the soul contained within
caress my soft body while my rough heart goes dim

say goodbye and goodnite
whisper the words you long to say
while I sit staring far away to the past

gone is the sweet deminar of the girl
broken is the heart held together by gossmer thread
kiss my rose colored lips that are set like stone

say goodbye adn goodnite
whisling the tune to a lulling lullaby
while i walk away from this broken body laying at your side

~A Happy Face~

Surrounded by people
feeling all alone
no one can see me
why wont this feeling go away
why wont this feeling go away

Im happy oh yea happy
ha so happy i could wanna live

Smiling my fake smile
covering up my little flaws
no one knows me
they cant know me
oh they cant ever know me

Im happy oh yea happy
ha so happy i could wanna live


Walking through the crowds
i pass by with out lookin
lost in myself again
wont someone try to see me
why wont they see me

Im happy oh yea happy
ha so happy i could wanna live

Fake laughs belted out loud
making up for my lack of happiness
lying about all of it
oh lying abot all of this

Im happy oh yea happy
ha so happy i could wanna live

Surrounded by people, oh
smiling that fake smile i have, yea
laughing the loudest so i dont look so damn sad
feelin al alone not allowing anyone through these barriers

Cuz Im not that damn happy
oh no im so very sad ha so damn sad
ehy wont they try to break me down
cant thy see im faking tis happiness

Growing up

No one ever tells you how much growing up can really hurt... you lose friends, get cuts and bruises, even have your heart broken. Yet through all of that you grow... you get new friends, ur bruises adn cuts heal some with scars some without and that broken heart mends to love again another day... i think growing up hurts a bit less though when you live life while your gorwing because fighting the growth hurts more than just accepting it...
THINGS I NEED TO DO:
1) move on from high school
2) learn how to flirt properly
3) be myself with new people
4) quit my job and stand up fro myself to my boss
5) not listen to waht others say so much
6) try to date again
7) go dancing and just let the music and my partner move me
8) rent a surfboard for a day and spend it surfing
9) NEVER GIVE UP ON SCHOOL
10)ACCEPT LIFE AND ALL THATS THROWN AT ME

the ten things that are most important for me to acheive in my life and hopefully soon.
<3's

~the Void~

~ The Void~
Sitting in a world full of people
they say they all know me
but do they hear the pleas i cry
the silent begging of my endless tries

laying in a room silent as death
silent tears trailing down my cheeks
my hushed sobbing pulling me further
Further into the abyss of hidden emotions

Watching in a lecture covered in lies
People looking up from notes on a page
My scratchy notes telling no more stories
Im ready for the end to come and take me

Waiting begging pleading for a cure
The endless things floating in my head
Death, life, family, friends, school, life
Where has it all gone

Nothing, a void, deserted as the moon
My soul ripped, heart bleeding, mind shattered
Smoothed over like boulders in a river, turned to sand
Once strong and solid now in a million pieces and weak

...

I asked God the other day why he didnt want me to love again... i think i know his answer now... i can love again cuz i still love... or maybe he feels i need to let go of that old love still.... i dont know... either im so terrified to love him again that i wont admit that i might (though i am here) or im just reaching out for love where i can get it and this is just him playing with my emotions and trying to get what he wants...
For someone that i cant love though hes everything that i cold ever really ask for... but so is my other guy.. goodness i hate this! He had to go and bring up all those old emotions didnt gah im sleeing now

~searing kiss~

You seared my lips shut
buring through them to my soul once again

Do i love you ill i dont know
if this fog clears thne i might see

Hands on my cheeks
a gaze that makes me feel were all alone

Am i so afraid to love you
my hearts all mended, will you tear it up again

eyes slipping close, allowing it
searing my lips closed leaving a burn to my soul

Burning so deep you rip open scars
so long ago i loved you fully, can i again?

~ The End~

Your beauty is not skin deep
Passion lays waiting on the tip of your tonge
Suprises fall from you like the chaos of the stars
Why do you leaving waiting so?

In your heart can you see me?
Waiting with the pateins of an angle, eternily
Longing to feel your passion engulf me fully
biding the time till you find me speechless
Why do i love you so?

Your heart tells you truths of old
Pushing at an existance of spontanatity and fidelity
Surpassing all odds yet working for the same one, love
Why can you not love me like so long ago?

In that deep sublime soul can you still feel me?
Wanting your touch even if only a ghost of a hand on my arm
Loving you without question and standing by your side unnoticed
brideling my emotions slowly masking my face to the world of hurt im enduring
Why dont you want me anymore?

Your slowly fading from my life killing me exquiestly
passing away life a grain of sand consumed by the ocean waves
Sucking dry my frail and tattered soul
Why can you not see my hurt?

In the days that pass ive given up on living
Willing my existance to cease and stay frozen in time
Living in this world hurts so much, but i will endure
bridging my lifeforce with a touch of unstability and loneliness
Why can i not forgive you and love you again?
For now till forever this is the end

~not knowing~

~not knowing~
unable to stand still enough to breath deep
Switching thoughts endlessly through the night
not knowing if ill ever see your smile once more

dawns gleam brings no new light
darkness taking hold of every wispy thought
Luring twilight forever on, unknowingly

Withdrawing from the world too large
Altering reality around your loss
Not knowing if ill ever feel your heart beat against mine

dawns gleam brings no new light
darkness taking hold of every wispy thought
Luring twilight forever on, unknowingly

Dropping all meaning, waiting for your return
Thoughts of you never ending, always enduring
Not knowing if ill ever feel your arms around in sweet embrace

dawns gleam brings no new light
darkness taking hold of every wispy thought
Luring twilight forever on, unknowingly

Burning pain and cooling love controlling my soul
Burning away the darkness and setting the burn of dawn to a glow
Seducing night an day into a never ending dance of complexity

nothing new to report... just bieng me.. passed math with a C yay me! went to coffee with michael today.. we had a nice long chat... we have such opposite views, but at the same time so much the same.. kinda odd huh... well i guess i need to sleep
navaer

~strides of living~

~strides of living~
In the meadows of life I walk
unknowing of my true course
passing through tall grasses
treading my own path
crossing others and walk a short way
we part unsuspecting of what lays ahead

In these meadows of life were I do not fit
I walk a lonely path
not sure where it leads me and to whom
but I walk none the smarter everyday
coming to points where there is no way forward
finding ways to get through
looking for the unknown beauty ahead of me

Within the meadows of life everyone is unique
we stand alone on our paths or we choose to follow
we are never stronger or weak for our choices, just ourselves
pushing through the grasses we tread paths later to be followed
forming a unique mark to be inspiration in the future as those from the past
moving till we find the end and fall way from the tall grasses and aloneness

hmmm ... odd poem... I don’t know if it makes sense... I’ve definitely have been thinking bout life... I mean where am I headed? not just goal wise but emotionally an all that shiza... I have to learn to tae are of myself but I cant seem to find a way to be in control of everything lately... and once I’m gone from one part of life I let everything fall apart >_< ... not to mention that my mind is always muddled and in knots... well nothing is interesting in my life... this the mundane nature of it though, life that is... the non-stop, always occurring life.
<3 all

to be or not to be...

in reality my life doesn’t suck as much as it could.. I know this... but I tend to forget these facts allot... lately all I do is wonder y I have been getting the wrong end of the stick.. thing is, I really haven’t gotten the wrong end as much as I could.. I should just go on and live.. carpe diem.. but I cant... ill never be about to...

now my really issue tonight.... same thing as normal.. do I sit waiting for what I know I want and know wants me... or do I truly, for the first time in m life put myself out there? I know me.. and I have already and continually chosen to wait... to be or not to be.. that’s what Shakespeare said.. well I don’t want to be.. I want to melt away into the world and just be forgotten... lol me and my angst.. well I’m of to read some more hp fan fiction to make myself stop thinking ^_^

Forgiveness really is a powerful tool in life... mainly cuz it allows u to live

~Childs Mask~

under my surface
the waters are not still
they are trashing
churning feeling and emotions

the waves come and go
but the on the surface
not a single ripple shows
the dark waters are hidden

beneath my skin lies a torrent
of anger, sadness, and guilt
unable to let go
feeling everything but showing nothing

the tears that fall in loneliness
are the only comfort I can claim
hidden beneath my smile
lies the sad depths of my soul

no longer hidden from my own mind
that deep forbidding soul awaits
the turbidities of my emotions
ravaging the entirety of my mind

under the surface
imp not happy
but for a moment in time
imp able to see a future were I could be

this week has been hard firs my great aunt passed away, from leukemia, to a better place where she is no longer suffering and can be happy for eternity. but now... now I have been told that my uncle, oh god!, my uncle has cancer, they told me to be positive... they told me that it might be curable... but they don’t know.. Oh God please let this hell be over with... Cancer is the word that I cant handle...
I have 6 uncles... my oldest uncle has cirrhosis of the liver and is on his way to get a liver transplant but until he gets rid of his Hepitis C they cant give him is new liver. everyday he is fighting for his life and suffering the pains of the one of the most horrid disease a human being can endure... the second oldest uncle works way to much and I worry for him... then now my third oldest uncle has informed my family that he has cancer. he dent know what kind of or if its curable or not. But I have to sit here and wonder if a few months down the road or maybe a yea from now he will have left us too... I cant imagine a person that could be more understanding about the circumstance than my uncle but it hurts down to my core... I cant stand death.. I can strand the people I love in pain and now we are enduring more pain than I believe anyone can handle... so please God just read this or maybe even someone else and understand the hurt and pain and just help in some way... I don’t know any other way to help myself or them.. imp only 19 years old and in less the 12 months have lost 2 people in my life and have had to face the reality of maybe losing more soon or seeing them slowly fall apart by treatments that will allow them to live another 10 years...
bye

face to the heavens

~Face to the heavens~
kneeling in the sand
screaming up to the heavens
wanting forgiveness
wishing for life to end or begin
holding my hands up to the sky
pulling them down
as if dragging god into my soul
wishing for life to end or begin
falling face into the ocean
not wanting to breath any longer
being buoyed up constantly
wishing for life to end or begin
tearing my mind away
revealing only soul and heart
showing myself
knowing life had ended and began

the last two days have allowed me to be happy... and i think being positive is helpful for me... by beign happy i feel lighter... i hope tomorrow is as good as today ^_^
ciao

lying to ones self

sitting letting tears well
on the verge of streaming
hot down my face
I’m telling my mind
that the lies are true
and the pain will end

enclosed in my mind
the intricate lies form
weaving a story so unlike mine
telling me that happily ever after
is true, is there
my hearts not broken

laying on the floor
shaking in grief my mind leaves
weaving the pattern of lies
forcing me to try time and again
willing my soul not to shatter
sewing the pieces of my heart up
in a disheveled new pattern

enclosed in my mind
the intricate lies form
weaving a story so unlike mine
telling me that happily ever after
is true, is there
my hearts not broken

facing an open flame
losing my will to live yet again
not knowing where my ghost of a soul will rest
no thoughts are coming
the spiders web of lies lay ruined
as the pieces of my heart
blow away on the wind

enclosed in my mind
the intricate lies no longer form
no more weaving a story so unlike mine
now telling me that happily ever after
is false, is only for fairy tales
my hearts not broken
my heart is obliterated
blown on the wind to the sea


... I can sit thinking that things will get better or I can learn that those that do not protect your heart from slowly breaking, though the seem so right, are not to be the one... for there is no one... its easier to be ice at the soul, cuz that way you can not be hurt.. or maybe steel so that you can not be bent... eventually I will die inside and then I wont have to worry.. cuz then I wont hurt anymore