~not knowing~

~not knowing~
unable to stand still enough to breath deep
Switching thoughts endlessly through the night
not knowing if ill ever see your smile once more

dawns gleam brings no new light
darkness taking hold of every wispy thought
Luring twilight forever on, unknowingly

Withdrawing from the world too large
Altering reality around your loss
Not knowing if ill ever feel your heart beat against mine

dawns gleam brings no new light
darkness taking hold of every wispy thought
Luring twilight forever on, unknowingly

Dropping all meaning, waiting for your return
Thoughts of you never ending, always enduring
Not knowing if ill ever feel your arms around in sweet embrace

dawns gleam brings no new light
darkness taking hold of every wispy thought
Luring twilight forever on, unknowingly

Burning pain and cooling love controlling my soul
Burning away the darkness and setting the burn of dawn to a glow
Seducing night an day into a never ending dance of complexity

nothing new to report... just bieng me.. passed math with a C yay me! went to coffee with michael today.. we had a nice long chat... we have such opposite views, but at the same time so much the same.. kinda odd huh... well i guess i need to sleep
navaer

~strides of living~

~strides of living~
In the meadows of life I walk
unknowing of my true course
passing through tall grasses
treading my own path
crossing others and walk a short way
we part unsuspecting of what lays ahead

In these meadows of life were I do not fit
I walk a lonely path
not sure where it leads me and to whom
but I walk none the smarter everyday
coming to points where there is no way forward
finding ways to get through
looking for the unknown beauty ahead of me

Within the meadows of life everyone is unique
we stand alone on our paths or we choose to follow
we are never stronger or weak for our choices, just ourselves
pushing through the grasses we tread paths later to be followed
forming a unique mark to be inspiration in the future as those from the past
moving till we find the end and fall way from the tall grasses and aloneness

hmmm ... odd poem... I don’t know if it makes sense... I’ve definitely have been thinking bout life... I mean where am I headed? not just goal wise but emotionally an all that shiza... I have to learn to tae are of myself but I cant seem to find a way to be in control of everything lately... and once I’m gone from one part of life I let everything fall apart >_< ... not to mention that my mind is always muddled and in knots... well nothing is interesting in my life... this the mundane nature of it though, life that is... the non-stop, always occurring life.
<3 all

to be or not to be...

in reality my life doesn’t suck as much as it could.. I know this... but I tend to forget these facts allot... lately all I do is wonder y I have been getting the wrong end of the stick.. thing is, I really haven’t gotten the wrong end as much as I could.. I should just go on and live.. carpe diem.. but I cant... ill never be about to...

now my really issue tonight.... same thing as normal.. do I sit waiting for what I know I want and know wants me... or do I truly, for the first time in m life put myself out there? I know me.. and I have already and continually chosen to wait... to be or not to be.. that’s what Shakespeare said.. well I don’t want to be.. I want to melt away into the world and just be forgotten... lol me and my angst.. well I’m of to read some more hp fan fiction to make myself stop thinking ^_^

Forgiveness really is a powerful tool in life... mainly cuz it allows u to live

~Childs Mask~

under my surface
the waters are not still
they are trashing
churning feeling and emotions

the waves come and go
but the on the surface
not a single ripple shows
the dark waters are hidden

beneath my skin lies a torrent
of anger, sadness, and guilt
unable to let go
feeling everything but showing nothing

the tears that fall in loneliness
are the only comfort I can claim
hidden beneath my smile
lies the sad depths of my soul

no longer hidden from my own mind
that deep forbidding soul awaits
the turbidities of my emotions
ravaging the entirety of my mind

under the surface
imp not happy
but for a moment in time
imp able to see a future were I could be

this week has been hard firs my great aunt passed away, from leukemia, to a better place where she is no longer suffering and can be happy for eternity. but now... now I have been told that my uncle, oh god!, my uncle has cancer, they told me to be positive... they told me that it might be curable... but they don’t know.. Oh God please let this hell be over with... Cancer is the word that I cant handle...
I have 6 uncles... my oldest uncle has cirrhosis of the liver and is on his way to get a liver transplant but until he gets rid of his Hepitis C they cant give him is new liver. everyday he is fighting for his life and suffering the pains of the one of the most horrid disease a human being can endure... the second oldest uncle works way to much and I worry for him... then now my third oldest uncle has informed my family that he has cancer. he dent know what kind of or if its curable or not. But I have to sit here and wonder if a few months down the road or maybe a yea from now he will have left us too... I cant imagine a person that could be more understanding about the circumstance than my uncle but it hurts down to my core... I cant stand death.. I can strand the people I love in pain and now we are enduring more pain than I believe anyone can handle... so please God just read this or maybe even someone else and understand the hurt and pain and just help in some way... I don’t know any other way to help myself or them.. imp only 19 years old and in less the 12 months have lost 2 people in my life and have had to face the reality of maybe losing more soon or seeing them slowly fall apart by treatments that will allow them to live another 10 years...
bye

face to the heavens

~Face to the heavens~
kneeling in the sand
screaming up to the heavens
wanting forgiveness
wishing for life to end or begin
holding my hands up to the sky
pulling them down
as if dragging god into my soul
wishing for life to end or begin
falling face into the ocean
not wanting to breath any longer
being buoyed up constantly
wishing for life to end or begin
tearing my mind away
revealing only soul and heart
showing myself
knowing life had ended and began

the last two days have allowed me to be happy... and i think being positive is helpful for me... by beign happy i feel lighter... i hope tomorrow is as good as today ^_^
ciao

lying to ones self

sitting letting tears well
on the verge of streaming
hot down my face
I’m telling my mind
that the lies are true
and the pain will end

enclosed in my mind
the intricate lies form
weaving a story so unlike mine
telling me that happily ever after
is true, is there
my hearts not broken

laying on the floor
shaking in grief my mind leaves
weaving the pattern of lies
forcing me to try time and again
willing my soul not to shatter
sewing the pieces of my heart up
in a disheveled new pattern

enclosed in my mind
the intricate lies form
weaving a story so unlike mine
telling me that happily ever after
is true, is there
my hearts not broken

facing an open flame
losing my will to live yet again
not knowing where my ghost of a soul will rest
no thoughts are coming
the spiders web of lies lay ruined
as the pieces of my heart
blow away on the wind

enclosed in my mind
the intricate lies no longer form
no more weaving a story so unlike mine
now telling me that happily ever after
is false, is only for fairy tales
my hearts not broken
my heart is obliterated
blown on the wind to the sea


... I can sit thinking that things will get better or I can learn that those that do not protect your heart from slowly breaking, though the seem so right, are not to be the one... for there is no one... its easier to be ice at the soul, cuz that way you can not be hurt.. or maybe steel so that you can not be bent... eventually I will die inside and then I wont have to worry.. cuz then I wont hurt anymore

~Holding my heart~

~Holding my heart~

Holding my heart in your hands
you tear tiny peice after tiny piece
holding the ruins together almost unwillingly

Holding my heart in you hands
you walk away from my soul
ripping my lifeline from my physical being

Holding ym heart in your hands
you unknowingly stripe me of rational thought
breaking my mind as you slowly kill my love and trust

Holding my heart in your hands
you burn an aggonizing scar along my soul
making me unable to let go without force

Holding my heart in your hands
you slowly kill me
taking my sanity love and hate with you as you turn away from me

... today has not been much better than yesterday ... if anything its worse... physical labor and fake happiness is harder than sulking with a book to cover your face... ~sigh~ atleast one good thing come from my low moods... my poetry is always better wehn i depressed or down or sad or mad... happiness is just not a strong enough emotion for me to write with... well im going to go back to staring at the computure screen waiting.. its the only thing i can think of right now and sleep is not a safe haven... laters

loneliness

today i have bee surrounded by people.. but i have had a constent feeling of lonliness... its been eating at me all week... that as much as im surrounded by people i know and love.. i just feel lik im standing alone iin a room... its definently not one of my favorite feelings... i kinda just want it to go away and be abel to feel the warmth and everythign from people... but i just cant seem to pull out this time :-/ i guess that leaves leting it work itself out... i just hope it doesnt take too long. cuz the more i feel lonly the more i feel kinda depressed and the more i get all bleh.. and i ahve been soo happy adn i want to keep it that way!well im off to read more
ttyl

broken down

tears roll down my cheek
burning lines of confused anger
wiped away on the back of dirty hands
trembling with furious rebelion

words spill forth from swollen lips
issuing hateful meaning and pointlessness
pushed out on hissing hot air
dictated with utmost contempt

shaking body curling in on itself
emitting unfocused anger and passion
yearning to be calmed
reaching for its antithesis to be canlced out

slowly the tears are eased
lips hush and utter no more words
uncurling shaking limbs to envelope peaces



my day has been very odd... i broke down for no reason... but the one thing i do know is that i really miss karina and bethany and im very unsure as to how i will find a way to substitute them while thier at school... i tihnk most of my meltdowns re from pent up sadness of missing them... even a cute puppy sitting at my feet isnt makign ti seem better tonight... i still feel like im missing this huge chunk of my heart... gah!! and i ahve to wait till the end of July for karina!!! its gonna be a long 4 months or soo.. welll night al
ciao

up and downs

For every up there is a down... today the only down was the weather.. I passed CHem!!! i was soo worried... i now feel like im floating... kinda a wierd sensation.. though it might be the sugar adn caffine.... im crying im soo happy right now... lol... though today brought me to relalizes some stuff. im ery different from everyone i know... im not anyone other than who i am... adn i cant say that for a alot of ppl i know.. as mucha s they say they dont conform... i ust ... meh im oer this wrting thing tonight.. i wrote a nice long letter/e-mail to my lovely kina and shes the oly one that really needs to know these feelings cuz she'll get them... well ciao im gonan go read now!
<3's

~ The improbable They~

~ The improbable They~

they said my life was impossible
that my dreams were too far fetched
holding me back from realizing the truth

they said my soul was unnatural
that my heart was to big
holding me back from knowing my own self

they said i would go no where
that my ways were improbable and wrong
holding back my tears for knowing i was nothing

they said soo much breaking me down
that i huddled in a mass od dispare
holding my tattered heart in my hand

they no longer and touch me
that i have learned the truth
holding my head high i walk through life

they are no longer in my thoughts
that have been shown a new path
holding the promise of my drams adn the love of my heart and soul

summing things up

can life be summed up in only a few words.... beautiful, painful, short and long... those few words can incompase the whole being of a person life thier nature... the black adn whiteness of life is over power in that sense... good must be the right and bad must be the wrong... but what if life would be summed up differently... my the actions and the living statements of ones being... im afraid of death... its a scary subject and a very sad one... but with death is a new beggining and thus every new beggining in our lies is the death of that part of us... the knowledge that the life before this new one had is handed down adn the new fresh life is appriched iwth vigor... my vigor is running out... how much longer in this life do i ahve to be thrown around and recreated in a new image... i dont want to be summed up in a new fashion... i just want to be that blacka dn whiet picure tat is sen adn beautiful, painful, short and long...
ciao ya'all

sad thoughts

Once i was told to disapear and never come back... it hurt badly cuz it was from a supposed friend... u never know saddness till everything u belived in has been ripped from u, and not gentely or kindly but with all the force they would take it with... Today one of those people added me on facebook:-/ i added them back but the memories im enduring from doing so are a harsh punishment... The story behind this guy is that we all knew he was gay... i mean if it had been the cool thing in jr. high he would have come out... buthe didnt and well im very forward about those kinds of things... Im glad he wa able to find his own power and show the world the true him... but im not proud of what he did to me and how now i feel like every word on his facebook is a flurry of bull shit! i want to belive that the people that hurt me in jr. high cant do that again, and i also want to think that they have grown up and learned that being different isnt a bad thing... but i know deep down ill never forgive them and that scares me.... to be able to hold such a grudge for soo long... No one understands more than me what its life to have ur life torn apart adn into little peices just to find a new life the next yuear in high school where i didnt have to fit... i just had to be me... i will always appreicate that fact and i hope never to le anyone tell me who i am or waht i can be!
welllim off now cuz i have to go to the health center to see if i can see my doctor sooner..
ciao

chaotic perfection

~Chaotic Perfection~

In the chaos of life perfection is simplicity
the calming beauty of the crashing ocean waves
slow flow trikling streamsas thy gurgle by

In the constant drumming of my heart it too refracts
your simplicity and perfection in the light of my eyes
it is chaotic yet so right and strong

I'm hold back my hopes an dreams for this simplicity, this perfection
but fear will only hold me tired down for so long
somethings are just ment to be even in the chaos of nature

In nature i fall with a designed path whirling and spinning about
but once let go i lose all deisign and my heart and mind dance to pumping of my blood
neither side of the dance is stronger than the other so eventually it will end

In life only time can tell us if our original design will work or is the simplicty of perfection is too overwhelmed by chaos

perfect night

Tonight has been pratically perfect... I finished my homework, talked to my friends and one for the best people ever...wathced tv adn now im just chilling... i wish i was tired i would sleep but im not soo i guess ill just watch tv somemore till i pass out.. i think tomorro im gonna work out again and maybe sleep in. Who knows i just ahve everything going soo well. but i just cant wait till sunday.. thats gonna be the best day ever ^_^ ttyl ya'all

Confused

What do I do with myself? huh? what are my goals and aspirations?? As much as I think I know them under lying these dreams are hopes that are shattered and rebuilt in a tattered looking mosaic of random thoughts. I want to teach, I love teaching, but imp not near enough passionate about all subjects to teach a general array of science. I love the ocean and everything about it, its sound it power, its color look taste feel. I just love it. there is no true description for how the ocean makes me feel in learning about it or being in and around it. I wish I could take that passion and spread it everyone, to bring the knowledge of this supreme beauty that earth holds upon its surface. I mean how many people know the full knowledge of its being? I don’t even know that... but then there is my passion for environmental stuff like renewable energy and things in those categories ... what is it that I should do? with these passions that slowly are able to connect yet not in any reasonable way for a job. gah and not to mention what do I do in my life about love... its something I truly believe in but my heart and head are always torn... where is it that love will fit into my grand scheme... yesterday I mentioned never loving to a friend.. I think it would be easier for me to not love because then emotionally I would not be such a rack yet then I miss out on something I know I enjoy and is the true reason for living... but every time I find anything that feels so .. so perfect and right there is a glitch or a minor error in the equation... not into my family, not able to combine physical and emotional attract in all ways because of a person choice on the others half.. don’t get me wrong I’m not perfect... I don’t like attachment non-stop but I want to have someone to fall back on... that perfect right feeling is so much like being able to have the worst day of your life and go to that person and have every stress worry heartache melt away like ice on a skillet... oh how I wish for that feeling every second of everyday ... but unfortunately the few people I have felt that way with are taken my ex. or well unable to be in that kind of situation for some god forsaken reason(though I try to honor that discoing because I’m nice) but I man that feeling is just so .. gah.. there is no way other than to say once upon a time... and happily very after... or at least I thought so.... the worst part is I’m so attached to these people that I keep them as friends and let myself get all emotionally in knots... I’m in a knot now just thinking of one of these guys and how we talk and he just says the right things at the most perfect moment and when he hugs me or even just touches me I have the urge to scream," why! why cant I just have u !?!?!" but I never do I just turn this shade of pink/red and get quiet.. what will I do.. so far nothing because actions are louder than words and then gain words are even there but the head the head is controlling the heart... in both side of this predicament.. I’m to kind and loving to go against someone’s wishes (unless their evil) and the other is such good person over al that they cannot turn from their own kin(this I understand because I have been in the same situation) but I’m so confused and well I can no longer promise to hold back everything I hold inside and then release in poetry and such... I mean who can sit by and watch their life instead of living it? I cant .. not any longer! well I’m going to go work out now so ttyl!

late night thoughts

i should be doing my chem lab right now... or maybe even finishing my chem flash cards or even readong for my geology course... but im not... im sitting here wondering about the lusidness of my being... imagining myself in the situations i yearn for the most... in true reality i am no one... i am a person that you would pass in the street and never rember again... yet in my own reality i would be an unfogttable vision... someone that you would be eternally drawn to... the sanity of these thoughts is questionable... yet anything and everything is questionable the fabric of being is only as tightly woven as the weaver weaves it... same as our minds.. there can be gaps and holes if we the weaver of thoughts does not weave a tght pattern... im ina hole now... where reality and dream wander... in my life time i will reach out to people that wil hurt me or break me in someway yet in theory this is a the test of time those that last through are the winners and the theoretical fittest of our race... i want to slow time to allow those who in their generations were the fittest to be able to rember when it was that they enjoyed life the most or feel rain on thier heads and mud on thier baretoes... i wish to live... i wish to live life to the fullest yet im too terrified of the end to imagine the beggining... tonight i dream of nothing yet everything... being stuck ina hole of lusid realty crumbleing my minds barrers adn letting forth my imagination... there is no stairwell back to reality for me... im beyond the breaking of my so called reality...i need to live and to live i cant conform and to confrm would to think in a coherent manner... now i must say adue to thses thoughts and sleep to wake and go on with greif, heart ache, and longing in ym soul
Navaer my reader/s

battle feild of love

Love is an emotion that harvest the soul of its essence
showering the your being with light and splendor
Ripping away all ability to function rationally
Forcing an unknown knowledge of eventual pain and agaony
For though love is strong and enduring
Like life fades into death
Taking with it the light and splendor
Replacing it with darkness and dispair
breaking the very essence of your being without warning
The exile of your heart and dreams
leaving you in longing fury
anxiously awaiting the day you try again

in pain of ym horrible love life and pent up frustrations with the boy of my so called dreams

crushed

Why is it that when you finally think you can be happy and that things will work out your life decded to come crahsing down around you? Wel my life has come crashing down around me once again...On sunday my old dog died and i had to act like it didnt bother me at all becuase it was my parents aniversary and we had a party and i had to make thier gift and stuff.. then this week i was all jazzed till wed when i was so tired and had the biggest migrane of the century! thats when my life crumbled since then i have beomce more and more emotionally drained then on thursday i met a new friend online and he turns out to be uber creepy not to mention i got a call from my mother telling em my great aunt whom had alhstimers was on death watch... thne on friday she passed on and being me i didnt cry even though i loved her dearly... im to the point emotionally that im breaking again adn its hard to hold the pieces together without the extra support i have had the last few years with my friends/bf.... god i wished this would jst end
well i guess im off now nothing much more to talk about so
hasta luego