~Slipping~

~slipping~
i feel you slip away even as i see you so close
holding your close is just a dream i hold
telling myself i can one day stand beside you
you could do so much better than me
yet i hold on faithfully as you slip away
not knowing where this is going at all
spiralling out of control in so many ways
i feel you slipping from my grasp
even though we've barely ever touched
what can i do to keep you
you, who has never been mine
i want you for you even though your not mine

~Doomed~

~Doomed~
doomed to wait for you understanding
willing you to read my mind to see it
holding back the tidal wave of emotions
tossing and turing in the uncertainty
damned to not know your answers
swearing that trying harder pushes too hard
trying to belive my own lies staring me in the face
wilting like a flower dying for water
i die waiting for your answers
fearing all is lost and my hopes shattered
doomed to be consumed by emotions constantly

~Too Long~

~Too Long~
you've left me wondering too long
hiding behind your walls, so sad
you're face was what kept me going
holding me higher because of your smile

you've pulled my strings too hard
playing me as your puppet so easily
you're fingers drawing me on in longing
waiting for your touch on my skin

you've smiled too many smiled at me
mistaking me as naive and blind to you
your flirting left me breathless so many times
longing to be that one but knowing i wont be

~Done~

~Done~
the irrelevance of our talking its specatular
as your eyes will never meet mine straight

you move as to get closer and pull away
making sure that contact is on the edge of reality

the talking no longers holds me firm to you
needing more im straying in my thoughts

in need of touch im afraid to push you further
almost holding hands or touching shoulders is harder every time

im straying and i wonder if you even care anymore
getting to know you is a blessing turned to a curse

cursed to long for more and never recive such
waiting for those lips to embrace mine without luck

ive waited as long as is possible to wait
faithful even in our friendship just to you

goodbye these thoughts of goodness being right
doomed to never have that love i long for

~Endless doubting~

~Endless doubting~
Why is it that my love is so endless whilst yours never seems to start?
I let you break my heart every time our eyes meet and you smile
Our laughter is what allows me life and power to move forward
The stars call it a perfect match our souls so alike and fierce
But our cards read hesitance and misplaced abilities from the past
Which of us will break this saddening spell of friendship to more
Our bravery leaves us both in our time of need and leaves scars
Upon my mind you lay a heavy thought always drifting to the front
Kinder souls wrong cards and our smiles twinkling like diamonds
Will my heart forever be broken by you in this beautifully sad friendship?
Or will you my beloved dark haired friend turn those eyes to me in love

~Woman or Friend~

i wait for you to tell me
to tell me you'll be mine
im waiting to love you
holding back my beatin heart
as it pounds like a bass drum

i wait for you to move on
from whatever holds you tied
im waiting to feel your lips
not lettings myself lose you
just for one fatal kiss

i wait for you to speak my name
with lust filled eyes
im waiting to embrace you
laying awake wondering
what your body next to mine would feel like

i wait for you
oh so long im waiting
im waiting my life away
day and night crying for you
to see me as a woman instead of a friend

~New Year~

~New Year~
not knowing who we are till breaking
falling apart at the seams
mind always racing with thoughts

questions of self and loathing
failing every goal set forth
hating what Ive become

not knowing who you are till its too late
passing that point of no return long ago
failing, hating,crying, dying inside

smiling is harder everyday glued in place
the mask is slipping away with the tears
shattering with recognition of self

not knowing who we are till we've broken
as the pieces lay throw across the floor
a mirror of the deceptive lies we've told and believed

~Split Family~

Perfect family always happy
broken always down the middle
a hidden war raging under the surface

smiles flashing around everyone
yelling and screaming in the void of home
never ending circle of facades

happiness only in public
hidden tears rolling down
music loud enough to drowned it out

perfect family always loving
hugs and love seen in your eyes
threats and insults in my safe place

no scars to prove the anger
hidden mind that never speaks
perfect child hidden in the room

Pointless apologizes and promises
damage not able to to be repaired
love beyond all swallowed by anger

Perfect family split in two
right down the middle
leaving the crying child to linger in between

talking till im tired

I should sleep, but i cant or maybe its wont. I'm not sure of why i cant sleep. I'm excited for My trip, maybe that's whats keeping me up. I miss Cole already and wish we would have had more time just hanging out. I wish he would just not be so shy, but at the same time i like that shyness. Its all so confusing. I wish he was online right now. I really do have allot to say to him without fear that I'll run into him when i leave my room an turn bright red. He hugged me for the first time on Weds. It was kinda stiff an stuff but i think we were both a bit awkward, which is sad. He gave me the most awesome gift though! He got my Montey Python and the holy grail ^_^ way awesome and sweet in the sense that we had talked about it and i had said that i had a need to watch it eventually and he actually listened, that's something new in my life. I wonder if when we stopped hugging i was bright red... i felt like i was =( i hope not because weal i blush to much. My minds being way complicated. I don't know why its doing that too. I woner what I'm supposed to consider him. I mean were not like BF/GF really... i guess its just complicated, hmmm, that's sounds about right complicated is probably the best word for my life and situations and all that. I got a C in Marine Geology. It maes me sad that i couldn't get a better grade. Maybe if someone would have been a bit More helpful or there had been a bit more understating about my Uncles death and me missing classes for it. But the what ifs are over know considering that i got the C in the class. I'm happy i passed i just, whatever . I want to know my math grade and world societies grade.I hate waiting for grades its nerve racking! I'm excited for my trip, i think already said this. I'm going to Puerto Vallarta for 7 days. I get to sit on a beach int he sun and trun tan and relax and do nothing. I don't get to be yelled at to clean my room, do chores, wake up early if i don't want to, feel pressured to be perfect. Maybe that's why i feel so great around Cole he has no expectations of me that he has made known at least. i want to go walk the beach right now and clear my head but A) Cole i like 2 hrs away B) Im at home and thst not kool with my parents (the whole taking off at midnight) C)its raining.... im tired now im gonan go count sheep till i sleep

failing life

Why do i let myself get fixated on stuff? i don't know and i wish i did. how long can one person go asking the question, "what am i doing wrong in this?" I wish i could just ask straight out, but being me I'm too terrified of the answer to ask the question. Courage is a trait i lack, as much as people say otherwise. I need courage more than i need my useless fears. I fear rejection the most right now. How long can he like me? it only too a few months for the last one to get bored with me and as much as id like to say it was his fault i know its mostly my own. I'm not meant i have happiness for long periods of time. I learned my lesson with being happy for a long time; it was just a one big lie. How do you lie to yourself? oh its SOP easy! being delusional all the time makes life so much easier, but the long you go with the lies the harder your mind pushes the truth forward and its hurts more and more till you break. I cant break right now, i cant handle reaching that point and all the questioning is hard on my poor mind. I probably sound like a crazy person(mainly cuz i am) but also cuz i have a mind that doesn't work in a normal thought process, i uses that's just life for me though. my minds SO full of questions its hard to think even or sleep or eat. i cant function half the time. i know I'm reach in that point where I'm going to break and i just hope that i don't fall apart as bad as i did this summer, i don't have the time to put myself together without failing in some area of life. i guess I've already failed at most of life.. cant hurt too bad to fail even more
::sigh::

~Moon lite Dancer~

~Moon lite Dancer~
moving with sounds no one can hear
sweet melodies rocking my body
twirling in utter joy of life

soft pastels painting my soul
covering a canvas as i move
smiling to the heaven's stars

moonlight softening my path
smooth movements overlapping
moving passing effortlessly

enjoying being lost in the sensation
missing the freedom of flight
the moments of dancing

~Lost to the White~

~Lost to the White~
so confused by this life
living is jest not that important anymore
walking as blank as a brand new canvas
someone paint my life into being
create colors in this black and white sketch
bring life excitement and pleasure
not pain and hate
someone bring me life
hold me tight as i forget to breath
blank as a white canvas in a white room
lost to the implications of sterility
jaded beyond all repair
so confused is my soul
black bleeding white
white bleeding black
battling within but never telling
so confused beyond any return
lost to the sterility of hopelessness

~angle without a halo~

~angle without a halo~
between black and white i wander
in a grey no one knows
lost in my own imagination
void of thoughts

wandering a path set before me
unquestioning undoubted of it
welcoming the silence of my thoughts
pushing forward without vices

blending with the good and bad
unforgiving of my sins
stronger without wanting it
weaker as i don't fight against this

an angle without a halo
a devil with white wings
deceptive smiles and laughs
tears not shed held within me eyes

between black and white i wander
unforgiving of my faults
not living in any form
wanting to live in anyway

~Future in the Stars~

~Future in the Stars~
in the stars lay a future
untested like the deep sea
not tamed like lion
timed as the bird

my destiny lays before me
planned in uncharted waters
laying dormant till I'm called
waiting for the stars to sing

in the stars lays a future
not dark or light in nature
hidden beneath the currents
I'm charted to sail this path unknown

~Fading Away~

~Fading Away~
is it wrong of me to want to ask you what we are?
hiding in the dark far from the answers
blending together without proof an insurgence

am i wrong in wanting you,the whole you?
the one staring at his hands in nervousness
who could easily hold my heart in his

who are you to not make the first move?
making the "what ifs" grow further
making My fear of rejection louder

what can i do to have you see I'm different?
cut out my heart and hand it to you bleeding
dying to touch you in more than just a brush of skin

is it wrong of me to want to ask you what we are?
as you smile your smile and send me melting
waiting for you to tell me what my soul wishes

please i beg as i lie here wanting wishing hoping
tell me of what we are so i don't fade away
holding me close to your heart tell me the truths you know

~Hold me please~

i hold my head high
as tear roll down my cheeks
i did the best i possibly could
as i shook with fright

i hold my head high
as pink stains my cheeks
i tried my hardest never gave up
as i lifted my hand to yours

i hold my head high
as you break my heart slowly
i held back too much
as you let my hand fall

i hold my head high
as proud as any women can be
i followed my heart and dreams
as i felt the pains of love

~song of longing~

I sing my song of longing
Your unknowing ears fall deaf
As my words come out louder
Calling for you to hear them

I sing my song of longing
Knowing you fear its meaning
Implications of things unknown
Singing to draw you to me

I sing my song of longing
While you dance your dance
Jumping leaping away from my words
My song instilling fear and passion

I sing my song of longing
I utter my refrains
You dancing your jig of unknowing
Juggling fear and passion like a sword thrower

I sing my song of longing
As you walk your thin path
Unwilling to move from the middle
Unknowing of my pain

~caught~

~caught~

i sit here crying
blood on my hands
crying to the heavens
for a new chance

i never knew you'd care
couldnt think outside your eyes
lost in your depths of your soul
forgetting who i am

i sit here crying
scars littered over me
reaching for release
wanding to feel

i never knew you'd love me
couldnt pull your lips away
cought in your arms
letting go of reality

i sit here crying
dying inside for you
broeken hearted tears
wanting to fall

i never knew you's break me
couldnt think you hurt me
forgetting who you were
hear left brokenad n bruised

~games~

~games~
you shake me to my core
playing these games with me
unknowing of the things you make me feel

eliciting smiles from my lips
pulling peices of me together
yet leaving me to sit alone

play my heart like you song
slow and sorrowful full of melody
swingin with your tune

taughnting me with slight touches
moving closer to no avail
staring into my eyes to look away

hold my hand instead of looking at it
hug me close instead of dreaming it
love me instead of feeding me lies

~not asking~

~Not asking~
The window to your soul
Closed like the cover of a book
Begging for me to open
Falling into its depths

Eyes drawing feelings I'm scared of
Shining in their warmth
Calling my heart across the table
Lost to your touch

Happiness radiating off of you
Like the rays of the sun on the earth
Rejoicing in you smiles
I'm struck by your beauty

Showing me wonders not known
Adventures gone and in the future
Enticing me to ask you
Can you care for me?