~dream~

~Dream~
I dream of days long past
hurts never healed
fears never shattered

i dream in black adn white
my only color,red
deep and jewel bright like blood

He comes every night in those dreams
waking me in cold sweats
my personal vampire, sucking away my happiness

I dream of his face once beautiful
gone ugly grey and harsh
his lasting words," i'll never let go"

hold my heart as its thumps to its own tune
too scared to close my eyes, but to scared to open them
if only dreams could just never come true

~worth~

~worth~
you mean more than heaven
to me your my rock
the reason i live

you mean so much you could not know
my only push to continue is you
the reason i fight

you mean more than the sky
to me you bring light to my darkness
the reason i strive to be good

you mean more than all the stars
to my dreams you bring meaning
the reason i have hope and faith

you mean more than God
to me you most of my heart
the reason i love you is you

i dont think i handle life... im scared im gonna fall back down my rabbits hole and fail out of school, lost all my friends again, and let myself go to the point to being nothing... If i wish i could take away the pain my uncle is feeling atleast a bit of it... he doesnt deserve to feel the pain. i just want him to have one miracle in his life time and for him pulling out of this and being pain free adn helthy would be so nice... ineed to sleep now

~*tired*~

im tired but not sleepy... my life is full of confusion i guess tomorrows work will help bleh 4 hours till work... i guess im gonn have to suffer...my mind is just too full of stuff to sleep i dont think reading is gonna help either... i want to just talk him... its pathetic but its wahts bothering me the most.. the waht if's are the killers adn he is the largest one... ::sigh:: im happy one way or the other... i just want to know which way i have to be happy.. inbetween is harder than knowing... im pathetic sometimes...

~tired~
blu black cirlces under my eyes
lashes falling steadily down my cheeks
thoughts of you creeping into my mind

exhaustion cant even cure my need to know
half awake dreaming of your face
imagining your arms around me

restlss nights go by an by
string at te ceiling
your presence surrounds me

restless nights leave me longing
swearing that ill sleep
missing your calming voice

shadows growing under my eyes
ever increasing with thesee sleepless nights
couting sheep waiting for you to wake

should i just tell you
cant just wait till i die
terrified of your response

resless nights go by an by
staring at the ceiling
your presence surrounds me

~Newness~

~Newness~
nerves wreck at my stomach
i want to ask the words
so scared i feel like fainting

Heart thumping against my chest
ready to look you in the eyes
words on my lips that die with your smile

wringing my hands
trying not to break unspoken boundries
so hard not to want to kiss you

feeling the beat of the music
moving slowly closer to you with each beat
if only the words would escape my lips

licking dry lips preparing my self for the hurt
wanting to ask you so badly
teriffied of the answers that will come from your purfect mouth
soo terrified of those few words

Don't know

SO I went one date, or rather something very similar to a date. I wish I knew if it was or not... I mean He and I are friends. Should I ruin that part just to find out if my ideas are true or do I just wait and see if we "hang out" on our own again? Gah !!I don't know anymore I do know is that it was a lot of fun! We talked for a long while after the concert and he was saw sweet about trying to open doors and stuff. I keep thinking that I need to just be a bit more aggressive or something but I don't want to ruin the friendship portion of this that I'm scared to do that :: sigh:: always a circle of happy thought to confused. I don't get boys... Their so weird!!! soo yea now I'm putting off writing a paper and talking to my manager at work about my "absence's" since school started. hehe I just gone claim that ivy been sick due to exhaustion by Fridays... Maybe they will finally give me a later time to work on Fridays.... Who knows and cares? Me? No not really... So I love music and the Band I saw last night was pretty awesome, I wish the mic the main singer had would have worked the whole time it was have been nice to hear the lyrics more than the guitars and bass... But it was still awesome ^_^ well laters got work on some stuff >_< HW is icky

~free~

Drifting on waves of voices
basking in the rays from smiles
dancing through thoughts of past talks
radiating pleasure rom your presence
swaying with the tune of rain pouring down
raising my voice with every new note
spinning in this vast happiness
quieting with the growth of a flower
free to be me

~Mistrust~

tearing apart my mind
seeing red with every answer
you want me back
you dont deserve me
did you think you ever did

unshed tears pricking my eyes
bruising finger prints engraved in my mind
you loved me once
you dont now, you cant
did you think i would leave my heart open

years of boiling frustration
pusing forward thoughts of your betrale
you made me promises
you broke thme lon before i broke you
did you expect me to forgive an forget?

~waiting~

i lay sleepless
breath in breath out
your face haunting me
signing into the darkness
i watch the ceiling
eyes open eyes closed
imagining your hugging me close
wrapping my arms to my chest to stay warm
i sit talking to you
laughining eyes twinkling
can you see me there
wanting to be yours and only yours
i lay sleepless
while you sleep above me
peaceful in your dreams
oblivious to my waiting
breath in and open your eyes to me

bitter

i am a bitter sweet person tis a sad true to deal with

~longing~

~longing~
your hands know my body
every curve and dip
with one touch
you elicit more feeling
than anyone ive known

your lips crush mine
in a memorising dance
of soft tenderness
i ache for more everytime

everytime you draw away from me
ur spell if renewed upon m heart
i wnt ot scream for this loning neead
for you to touach me and i you

i want you to mine and i yours
no, i an desepart for that concetion
to feel the sparks flying
and senses melting into oblivion

~self loathing~

~self loathing~
pain so unimaginable
racing like blood in veins
pounding with every beat

tearing at every fiber
like acid poured on skin
sizzling every drop poured

barriers unknown to the world
built of steal and malice
hatred once self unknown

scares left fading on skin
from fingernails dull and tearing
a long unable to be pushed over the edge

let me die here
in a puddle of my own misery
let my love die as the light has from my eyes

~Twisted path~

~Twisted path~
winding swirling are the emotions
floating in currents unsee
warped and pulled and pushed
who knows these voices hear
no one but can understand
they draw me again to you
i fall every time for the wrong story
cinderella never was real
reality is to harsh for faries and love
oh the twisted path my heart is on

Moralitys story

the wise woman told me
fools rush living

the wise man told me
fools fall in love

the foolish woman told me
of fantastic adventures

the foolish man told me
of passion and fire

i am a fool
who rushed living

i am a fool who
feel for the passions of love

scared is the fool who is hurt
the child whispered in your ear

heartbroken is the the wiseman
who never loved a soul

moral is do not rush living
do love, with passion and fire

live freely but do not hurt
love sparingly so as not to fear

and be happy for these lessons
come at no price but to listen to a story

.... fools rush in... i am a fool... a fool for love.. a fool for life.. a fool in general... i lid to myself for ages saying i was in love whiel i was jjust trying to keep from lossing the first person and only person i thought could love me.... then i fall for this wonderful boy... yes boy in comparison to my age... oo young they said well bah imma fall anyways... i fell alright.. i feel right back into a world f uncertainty, moral dilema, and hurt, hell ya the good was great! but the bad was wosrt and hurt three times more... what too do with myself? huh? oh lets wallow in self pity and escape the world.. thus i did.. not caring who i hurt in the prosses... mainly i hurt myself.. but i also hurt others... i hurt ppl with harsh words adn not being an ear to listen when they needed one.. to wrapped up in my own mess, of my own making... thne it all fell away and life went on... now that boy , oh such a wonderful boy is almost a man (per say) an i find myself thinking.. would they approve now? would it be accepted... would this boy that i broke his heart(or was it just his hopes of dating me?) so long ago? will he have me? so far hes only pushed me farther and farther away... how am i to fix my imstakes if the one perosn that melted the ice on my heart can no longer look me in the eye and send shivers down my spine?? where is the passion, the fire, the excitment... or will i live my life through adn settle for the mundan job and husband hat i do not fully love? who know ...

~Say Goodbye~

Say Goodbye

say goodbye and goodnite
wish me sweet soft dreams
while i lay awake dying slowly

gone is the innocense of the child
broken is the soul contained within
caress my soft body while my rough heart goes dim

say goodbye and goodnite
whisper the words you long to say
while I sit staring far away to the past

gone is the sweet deminar of the girl
broken is the heart held together by gossmer thread
kiss my rose colored lips that are set like stone

say goodbye adn goodnite
whisling the tune to a lulling lullaby
while i walk away from this broken body laying at your side

~A Happy Face~

Surrounded by people
feeling all alone
no one can see me
why wont this feeling go away
why wont this feeling go away

Im happy oh yea happy
ha so happy i could wanna live

Smiling my fake smile
covering up my little flaws
no one knows me
they cant know me
oh they cant ever know me

Im happy oh yea happy
ha so happy i could wanna live


Walking through the crowds
i pass by with out lookin
lost in myself again
wont someone try to see me
why wont they see me

Im happy oh yea happy
ha so happy i could wanna live

Fake laughs belted out loud
making up for my lack of happiness
lying about all of it
oh lying abot all of this

Im happy oh yea happy
ha so happy i could wanna live

Surrounded by people, oh
smiling that fake smile i have, yea
laughing the loudest so i dont look so damn sad
feelin al alone not allowing anyone through these barriers

Cuz Im not that damn happy
oh no im so very sad ha so damn sad
ehy wont they try to break me down
cant thy see im faking tis happiness

Growing up

No one ever tells you how much growing up can really hurt... you lose friends, get cuts and bruises, even have your heart broken. Yet through all of that you grow... you get new friends, ur bruises adn cuts heal some with scars some without and that broken heart mends to love again another day... i think growing up hurts a bit less though when you live life while your gorwing because fighting the growth hurts more than just accepting it...
THINGS I NEED TO DO:
1) move on from high school
2) learn how to flirt properly
3) be myself with new people
4) quit my job and stand up fro myself to my boss
5) not listen to waht others say so much
6) try to date again
7) go dancing and just let the music and my partner move me
8) rent a surfboard for a day and spend it surfing
9) NEVER GIVE UP ON SCHOOL
10)ACCEPT LIFE AND ALL THATS THROWN AT ME

the ten things that are most important for me to acheive in my life and hopefully soon.
<3's

~the Void~

~ The Void~
Sitting in a world full of people
they say they all know me
but do they hear the pleas i cry
the silent begging of my endless tries

laying in a room silent as death
silent tears trailing down my cheeks
my hushed sobbing pulling me further
Further into the abyss of hidden emotions

Watching in a lecture covered in lies
People looking up from notes on a page
My scratchy notes telling no more stories
Im ready for the end to come and take me

Waiting begging pleading for a cure
The endless things floating in my head
Death, life, family, friends, school, life
Where has it all gone

Nothing, a void, deserted as the moon
My soul ripped, heart bleeding, mind shattered
Smoothed over like boulders in a river, turned to sand
Once strong and solid now in a million pieces and weak

...

I asked God the other day why he didnt want me to love again... i think i know his answer now... i can love again cuz i still love... or maybe he feels i need to let go of that old love still.... i dont know... either im so terrified to love him again that i wont admit that i might (though i am here) or im just reaching out for love where i can get it and this is just him playing with my emotions and trying to get what he wants...
For someone that i cant love though hes everything that i cold ever really ask for... but so is my other guy.. goodness i hate this! He had to go and bring up all those old emotions didnt gah im sleeing now

~searing kiss~

You seared my lips shut
buring through them to my soul once again

Do i love you ill i dont know
if this fog clears thne i might see

Hands on my cheeks
a gaze that makes me feel were all alone

Am i so afraid to love you
my hearts all mended, will you tear it up again

eyes slipping close, allowing it
searing my lips closed leaving a burn to my soul

Burning so deep you rip open scars
so long ago i loved you fully, can i again?

~ The End~

Your beauty is not skin deep
Passion lays waiting on the tip of your tonge
Suprises fall from you like the chaos of the stars
Why do you leaving waiting so?

In your heart can you see me?
Waiting with the pateins of an angle, eternily
Longing to feel your passion engulf me fully
biding the time till you find me speechless
Why do i love you so?

Your heart tells you truths of old
Pushing at an existance of spontanatity and fidelity
Surpassing all odds yet working for the same one, love
Why can you not love me like so long ago?

In that deep sublime soul can you still feel me?
Wanting your touch even if only a ghost of a hand on my arm
Loving you without question and standing by your side unnoticed
brideling my emotions slowly masking my face to the world of hurt im enduring
Why dont you want me anymore?

Your slowly fading from my life killing me exquiestly
passing away life a grain of sand consumed by the ocean waves
Sucking dry my frail and tattered soul
Why can you not see my hurt?

In the days that pass ive given up on living
Willing my existance to cease and stay frozen in time
Living in this world hurts so much, but i will endure
bridging my lifeforce with a touch of unstability and loneliness
Why can i not forgive you and love you again?
For now till forever this is the end