Truely Free

.....

2010-07-11T23:32:00.000-07:00

The emptiness inside me consumes every thought
like a blackhole it sucks every ounce of sunlight away
I smile by forcing my eyes to read what I don't feel
missing a crucial part of my being twice over
Hatred bubbles from my chest at others joy
with everyone elses happiness
This blackness inside of me is suffocating
only one thought is left, sadness
Endlessly the tears pour down my cheeks
leaving trails that speak of my hurt
Nearly every part of me wants this back
bad enough to betray and hurt others
I'll overcome this somehow
i dont know how but i will
for the lost i will fight to remain afloat
of my endless tears

Losing it over nothing

2010-04-24T18:10:00.000-07:00

In my own search for who i am
it it when i get lost that i feel the most like me
fumbling and blind to everything
yet seeing it all for the first time
so who am i if i am just lost wondering

feeling my way through out this being with my feet and heart
searching for an answer that I have
yet choose to think there is more too
how can i keep being without knowing who i am

from person to person my existence changes
falling from high to low and shinning to dull without a warning
my person is full of these contradictions
leaving my true self shielded behind all the unseen questions

Life Quote

2007-09-20T15:31:00.001-07:00

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. ~William Rogers~ very good quote need to use as theme for life

~Speaking~

2007-09-16T03:57:00.000-07:00

your voice rings loud and clear
speaking from your gut you'll move on
giving out comfort for your efforts

how can i respond to such blunt words
so clean and clear like dew drops
I'm so lost in my own thoughts

i feel you looking for the answers
with every breath I'm reforming them
trying to express my fears and wants

your voice has me flying so high
I've wrapped myself in this new feeling
reveling in what i hope are smile

I will find these words to tell you
so hard to form in the fear of losing
ruining something not even there yet

you'll be my wish on my falling stars
that one bright dot i can see up ahead
if only i could open my mouth and speak

Stronger

2007-09-10T18:41:00.000-07:00

never been as weak as i was made to be
have no need for a presence to override mine
I'll outshine you all in the end

stronger than you know
tears are just an escape
fluid steel makes me stronger
that which doesn't kill me
will always make me stronger
stronger than you

passing through these road blocks
riding the waves as they come at me
watch me climb a latter you can't see

stronger than you know
anger is just an excuse
titanium reinforcements make me up
you know that what can't kill me
will only end with me stronger

I dance on the floor right in front of you
you cant touch me in anyway because i wont see you
watch as i outshine you and prove that your not worth it

strongest thing you've ever come up against
breathing out a fire you can't handle
what hasn't killed me
has made me stronger than you could ever think

Bird Cage

2007-09-06T22:47:00.000-07:00

hitting another breaking point
haven't shed a tear for you
running till the worlds a blur
carrying me away from the pain
i woke again to you being gone

come on baby just say the lie
i know its on your tongue
come on and break me slowly
i know you'll never truly come back

leaving the mark of your hatred for me
the black and blue heart scattered
screaming silently under water
looking at the surfaces never wanted to come up
the note left on the dresser lays wet on the floor now

come on baby just say the lie
i know its on your tongue
come on and break me slower
i know you'll never truly come back

finding a broken strength my wings will spread
I'm leaving now baby for the first time
won't look back to see your face
as i finally let the tears roll down my cheeks
freeing myself from this cage you built about me

come on baby just say the lie
i know its on your tongue
come on and break me slowly
i know you'll never truly come back
cuz I've flown from my pristine cage
broken and beautiful in the glory of freedom
by:Speshall on deviantart.com

black hole

2007-09-06T10:04:00.000-07:00

i never stopped giving
hoping that an empty heart could be filled
the pit holes that now make it up bleed
the fresh red of a rose at the end of winter
i am left on ice to stay alive but catatonic
none of the hope i have returned
everything given ripped away by selfish ideals
this hurting flows deeper and more angry everyday
passing blood bone ans marrow down to my core
a little black place few have seen
a black hole that i have allowed to consume me
faster and faster it eats at me
soon when you take what i have none to give you will see
see the black pit behind the kind blue eyes that hold no light
notice the final mask has been flung away in attempts to breath
gone soon will be my hope, my dreams, my life
for you broke more than just a heart, but a being

by:~i-imagine on deviantart.com

~Enduring memories~

2007-08-13T21:25:00.000-07:00

I've fallen into this ocean
overwhelmed by this something that is bigger than me
i promised i would never let you in
the reminder of how you sucked my soul dry
left me to rot in my own person hell on earth
how i long to forget every word and be held again
I've always broken the promises i intended to keep
worn down by our enduring memories and touches
imperfect in our beautifully chaotic ways
so lost on our paths we refuse to see the light
i promised with a scream that I'd never fall
another promise yet broken with my shattered heart
for I've fallen into an ocean
allowing it to consume me and wishing it to love me back

~over my shoulder~

2007-08-02T21:46:00.000-07:00

I look back over my shoulder and see you there. You stand there in the unknown. Surrounded by the mists of doubt. I will always wonder at the answers you will give me. I am continuously left on the verge of feeling, feeling anything in this frozen world. Would i pity your inability to make the final jump again, when i let you fall without me catching you the last time. left falling, we have finally come to a frozen limbo where doubt is friend and foe.

ergnss

2007-07-26T00:12:00.000-07:00

ive run into an idea repeatedly in the last few weeks, that i am just not worth it to people. Not worth explaining things to, not worth loving, not worth talking to, and any other sort of things. I am just not wrth the effort. Im not sure how i figured this out but i know its mostly true, yea i have the whole my family loves me thing and in alot of cases i guess that more then other people, but this new sense of worthlessness isnt very good for me. Im al perk and smiles at school and work then im miserable at home. I know that most people are faking things and doing that for work, where i have to be happy and energetic if i am or not has afectively broken some inner working i have leaving me drained afterwards. I want to be worth something to people not just be a bumb in their road, a notch in thier belt, however you want to put it. I guess today was just a long really bad day and i will read this a month from now or a year and laugh at how stupid and melodramatic im acting but right now i really do just feel this way and ahve no clue how to stop it.

~Flaws~

2007-07-21T20:43:00.000-07:00

these string that hold me together slowly are unwinding
each fatal flaw is flowing like water off a cliff
I've dived head first into an unknown cry a war song
unraveling every misconception and proving my points
i have fallen apart and been put back together the wrong way
not who i was not who i am just being lost in translation

rambling away

2007-07-18T00:15:00.000-07:00

im lonely tonight, not to mention tired. My whole week is going to be like this, long and tired You would think i was used to it by now im really not though. I think the lonely part is the hardest part to get over though. I've never been fond of being lonely or alienated. I want certain people to have time to hang out wth me and vis-a-versa. When i finally make time though they dont have any or its only a very shrt period of time. Ideas on fillin less lonly: brnach out and talk to strangers(slightly scary and least likely), use my phone more and talk to people that way, take time off of work and just wing it for a weekend w/o chores and shiza, need more ideas cuz i feel these are lacking in common sense. Mostly im jst lost in thought lately about waht i want from life. What do i truely want to do when i graduate in two years? How do i really feel about the yungster and what to do with said feelings?how to loss weight while having no time at all.. and so much more...i tihnk the yungster is my biggest worry lately because i do think i like the idea of there being more there just not sure what to do with that idea or how to bring it up even.erg im going to go ramble to my handwritten journal now and hope i fall asleep on it

~Black Knight and Soft words~

2007-07-12T22:49:00.001-07:00

how your words always left me breathless
yearning to understand the hidden meaning
lowering my walls to let you in

how you plucked at my heartstrings
playing me as a tool and loving it
trapped in my own walls now lost

built this tower around me to be safe
like Rapunzel's to high to ever escape
closed in a bubble of loathing and lust

how i wanted you to love me like in a fairytale
my own white knight in shinning armor gone black
trapped me within a cage to slowly fade away

.............

2007-07-12T22:49:00.000-07:00

how your words always left me breathless
yearning to understand the hidden meaning
lowering my walls to let you in

how you plucked at my heartstrings
playing me as a tool and loving it
trapped in my own walls now lost

built this tower around me to be safe
like Rapunzel's too high to ever escape
closed in a bubble of loathing and lust

how i wanted you to love me like in a fairytale
my own white knight in shinning armor gone black
trapped me within a cage to slowly fade away

~My Haunting End~

2007-07-10T20:26:00.000-07:00

The loneliness inside of me grows as each fortification crumbles,
Holding no peace for my wretched heart,
Tears slide down my cheeks as a sign that tomorrow will not come,
The invisible blade is held above my bosom ready to strike,
A wretched soul tattered with no hopes of relief from its internal hemorrhaging
Releasing this eternal blade forever reliving me of heartache and sorrows, to just live
One last sorrowful smile i will grace you with and haunt you till life's end

~Lost Connection~

2007-07-04T00:43:00.000-07:00

so used to you not loving me anymore
this connection is only hurting
its burning me from the inside out
leaving an empty encasement

where was this unknown love
so long ago when i needed it
to hold and protect me from harm
i cry now for pointless losses

we could have been so happy then
with your love meet by mine
gone is that chance only time will tell
wishing to love you and you to love back

~Empty childs eyes~

2007-06-10T22:58:00.000-07:00

growing up and learning to decide
accepting that life isn't a fairytale
seeing the shades of grey everywhere
losing naivety and gaining skepticism
breaking from our parents molds
holding hearts and breaking them
breathing in life and dying slowly
growing up to find out its not worth it
broken dreams and fractured promises
eyes that once sparkled now empty
how growing up hinders more than helps

~Long Ago~

2007-06-09T01:12:00.001-07:00

We said goodbye so long ago
even as it hurts to remember
the hole it left is healed
a longing for your voices
fades with every step I'm taking

freed of a burden i didn't know i had
letting the future dictate me
saying fuck the past and smiling
going to miss everything about you
but i wont let it slowly kill me anymore

breathing in the fresh air
unhindered by that unseen pain
dancing to my own tune as i live
moving forward into a light i hadn't seen
we said goodbye long ago but ill say it again

goodbye

~Just one more~

2007-06-01T14:17:00.000-07:00

this longing to see you is painful
burning holes through every thought
biting at me every time i breath
wishing it away is no longer helping

cant you just make this stop
the after shocks of your touch
months later eating away at me
longing to see you even as your in front of me

wandering my thoughts i see you
invading every crevasse like a disease
I'm going insane with this anguish
I'd give you everything just for one more kiss

~Moving Forward~

2007-05-29T23:07:00.000-07:00

I'm looking backwards to see the future
how the once vibrant sky's gone dim
with ever step back a lost smiles found
how we used to laugh in the face of destiny
seeing the journey in reverse is it worth it

I'm moving forwards in a journey i didn't want
hollowing my soul to gain sight
without you I've lost my final purpose
how our minds and bodies would match so perfect
seeing the broken accomplishments left drifting

I'm standing still facing a mirror
holding a picture of the future and past
with my steps forwards and back i stand still
hoping that my action wont break this dam
seeing in my eyes a destiny unknown yet so cliche

~emotional vampire~

2007-05-21T00:35:00.000-07:00

i hold a deadly secret
one that few could know
it ties me to my sins
tighter with every pass
the words i say fall flat
in my ears as i laugh

I call you when i cry
broken in need of repair
i long for attention
so its you i go to bleed
for hours we'll talk and laugh
but when i leave your dry

i hold tightly to this secret
a life outside my own
that I've made fade away
left you broken and alone
for just one night of smiles
kisses hugs and your love

i wish i would not call you
that i could shed this sin
but you let me in every time
and i bleed you dry
without you I'd be broken
yet with you I've only passed it on

~Breaking it down~

2007-05-11T23:21:00.000-07:00

Another break down another day
Tears healing as they cut down my face
Scars of my pain are noticeable if you see me
They run deep in parts and shallow in others
Like the bottom of a lake I hold unknown depths
These tears represent an anguish unseen
A solid core of steel is permeable to your touch
Another break down another day
Falling down a path long not wanted
If you closely you can see me bleed in front of you
Bottling up every break down till tomorrow
Holding in the burning liquid tears
You wont see me dying because I'm already dead

~Old Promises~

2007-05-05T00:17:00.000-07:00

You've held me while i cried and now you just look away
say all those days mean nothing but everlasting pain
with every fiber of my being i want to take back what i said
I'm falling down on my knees crying to the rain
sweet kisses shared long ago held suspended in my mind
promises of happiness and no more tears down face
how you used to hold me and make the pain go away
You used to hold me while i cried but now you look away
wont even tell me that my dream have died and gone away
every mistake i ever knew was just so simple to put on you
i never really blamed you how could i lie to you
You ripped my heart out that very day
left me bleeding in a silent way
I'm sorry i told you i loved you so many ways cause you made me pay
just couldn't lie to you everyday
This love was lost in such a tragic way
You've held me while i cried the pain away
now i cry here empty wishing you away

Sunny Dreams

2007-05-04T11:55:00.000-07:00

sunny skies hold s much promise
like the minds of children
river rush through us
pushing away the pains of life
forgotten are the smile once on my face
long gone is the river to take away the pain
my mind has lost its naivety
the sky's are grey and thunder rolls
raising arm to the storm i move forward
embracing pain and hurt like its lives blood
a smiling face hiding a crying soul
the promises of sunny days teasing
a shroud of dreams laid to protect
too far gone to be able to forget

~Unraveled~

2007-05-04T00:11:00.000-07:00

i can not change who i am
my feelings are connected
i see you and want to cry
rain pours down my face
from the clouds overhead
consumed in their cycle
lost to lost to my own
unable to pull back
gone down the wrong path
too many wrongs to be right
i don't know how to change
every thing is so connected
you had to break that string
watching my web float away
one string unraveled me
one drop two drops three
stopping the counting
i can not pull back
left to an endless cycle of emotions

~remebering again~

2007-04-30T02:17:00.000-07:00

imagining your lips on mine whispering words
remembering the smile i received after such a kiss
how your eyes would darken and see just me
playing solitaire to look up and not see you laughing
i wish i could burn these memories so they would stop
with time it grows better yet i still can taste your kiss
i remember how your hugs could calm me in just the first second
wanting to forget is not enough because i still see you
i see you laying in my bed bathed in morning light sleeping
in the moonlight as we walk a beach and run from waves crashing
i can still see you when i close my eyes an let the memories fall
kisses so soft, held so gentle i would not break, i see you
even with my eyes closed i have an after image of you burned to my soul

How the might fall

2007-04-28T00:52:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to think anymore. I'm human. what a simple yet complicated statement. Most people I know probably wouldn't say I'm human in a normal sense, mainly because I'm not. I am the total opposite of normal actually. I love to talk to people, yet I'm terrified to try anymore because of all the friendships that I have lost over the last 3 years. Even some of the people I'm very close to now don't know every stitch that makes me up. Hell I don't even know all of me yet! Yet, I am human. I bleed when cut, I cry when I am sad, I turn tomato red in front of the boys I've ever likes (they see it as endearing I see it as a curse). These things that connect me never came to mind till I found out I was able to be defeated. That my high ideas and morals could be broken, even if only for a short while. I know some people would laugh and tell me " Oh, how that great have fallen" because of statements I have made previously. They have no clue that though I'm a hypocrite now the repercussion for them and for me are very different. I don't let go of my faults well. It a very bad habit I picked up when I was young. knowing where I am weak allowed me to either get better or ignore that part of me. In general I am not a weak person. I hold my ideas, plans, and dreams dearly and above all else. Yet, here I am fallen from my plan wallowing away in front of the keyboard typing just so that I can sleep and not feel guilty. For I do feel guilty even after and apology and realizing I'm human I just am unable to accept that I will make mistakes and forgo my ideas for short periods of time in life, if not for the adventure then because I feel a need or pull to the situation.
Its funny how this situation all came about because of boredom and loneliness. The key is that to become human I have to forget who I am if only for a second and just let instinct rule me. Instinct it something that I don't like to run off of because I give it control and do not get the reins back fast enough ever. At twenty years old I am fairly certain I have only let instinct guide me twice. Of those two times only one is regretted. Regret. That is a word I never wanted to use and really feel it made sense. Yet here I am at 1am on Saturday mornin' and its all I can feel. Pain and regret and loss. I have fallen from my moral high ground and been left with nothing to stand on.
I severely need sleep. I severely need love, the real kind where the other half of me is finally full and I have that tingly sensation with every look or touch. I'm a hopeless romantic so get lost if ya can't handle it! I need to be allowed to be a fee spirit and not feel restricted by my lack of eloquence and beauty. I am in need of acceptance for my true self and my beliefs. I need so much that is not able to be given or taken. I am lost. Lost to every emotion that filters through my brain and the information of this day and age. In ten years I will have faded into a huge oblivion of the work world and have no place in history. I am to be no one, even though I was someone. I write too much.
Fin

~ cry~

2007-04-24T03:27:00.000-07:00

slowly you stripped me of the layers of protection
the defenses i use to hide from the memories
closing my eyes to the touches laid on me
shaking ever so slightly as my brain screams no
words that never leave my mouth
just show through tear stained cheeks and hollow eyes
regret pushing forward so fast i want to disappear
overwhelmed by this feeling of wrongness and lost
innocents so coveted not fully lost to physical need

~Lack of Sleep~

2007-04-19T01:42:00.000-07:00

I'm not fond of not sleeping
but thoughts just keep pressing on my mind
weighing so very heavy in the air
suffocating with their presence
lightly i dream of things that bring tears
waking just to want to sleep again
such little reason to continue on this time
I'm not fond of not sleeping
being dragged day to day with no outlet
forced to see reality 24/7
dreams are my last chance to see this
suffocating as my thoughts whirl faster
sad words sweet kisses and acceptance of pain

~SIn~

2007-04-18T17:20:00.000-07:00

shuttered eyes are trying to see into my soul
a place of secret scars hopes and longings
Sin is what you called so many times
well this sin will never repent for its wrongs
remembering how we both came up breathless hurts
looking into shuttered eyes i see nothing
lost that ability to see into that beautiful soul
Sin was waht it all felt like in the end
lost to the insticts a vindictive god gave me
not seeing the smile light your eyes is hard
harder that i could have ever imagined
give me attention, lust and this sinful feeling
pulling away just as easily as if it never happened
shuttered eyes are trying to see into my soul
a place they are no longer wanted so leave me be

~Nature~

2007-04-17T22:37:00.000-07:00

beauty held within a drop of rain
mirrored by the tears falling down
explained away by faulty moral code
harsh reality as clear as fog on the bay
the drive to move on running out like the world
slowly the turning is stopping
the music has begun to be deaf to my ears
the beauty i see is held precariously
like the drop of a tear from the corner of my eye

~Surrender~

2007-04-13T23:00:00.000-07:00

this repeated breaking needs to end
i feel trapped in to a cycle i never wanted
rescind to my fate of being alone
every touch i miss makes me weaker
how i imagine your laugh when i sleep
I'm breaking, giving in and surrendering my flag
lost to the the pits of despair and unhappiness
my life was not meant to be anything but
how broken can i be, when i was never whole to start with

~Not Simple~

2007-04-13T00:45:00.000-07:00

I fall down this ridiculous hill every time
moving on seemed so simple, just forget
if only it were so simple
your understanding if hardest to stomach
seeming you and not that beautiful smile
forgetting is not so simple
You left me at the bus stop wondering
how can you look so unhappy, just forget
If only it were that simple
We talk now as if just friends
knowing that there is a rift vastly growing
Expected to live on and not fall again, i fall
I've fallen down this ridiculous hill straight to you

SEA rant and ~Crashing~

2007-04-10T21:15:00.000-07:00

Life is so unfair. I want to do this wonderful awesome program, but i cant!! I can not do the program for so many reasons.
1) 25,000 for one semester no matter where or how or when is out of the question for me
2) My school is on the Quarter system and will not fit well with their semester system at all
3) I would miss out on classes imperative to my BS degree in Earth Sciences even though i would be doing them on the damn boat!
4) My family would kill me if i missed Christmas
5) I fear i would be shitty at the program thus have not contacted the financial aide department though i know they only cover up to 25% of the tuition which leave me with a large sum still
6) I don't know if i could handle being away from my family for so long without contact with me. i might say man things about them and not want them to suffocate me but i love them dearly and they are my only constant
::sigh:: ain't i shit out of luck on this. The program i want to attend but effectively am to scared/ broke to apply and do is the Woods Hole SEA semester. The program i want to join goes from October 7 2007 till December 31 2007. I would travel from Woods Hole Ma to the Key West Fl then from Puerto Vallart Mexico to Papeete Tahiti. Oh gods that would so cool to do! The hardest part to say no to is that the subject matter on the Pacific coast journey is Oceans and Climate Change I mean that is so what i want to study, though my focus is more on the Caribbean Plateau and how its movement effected the climate. Gods aren't i boring? Even with the extra 2,500 off the final price of the cruise/semester i would be horribly short not to mention probably the dumbest person to ever board on of their awesome sail boats. I know i should have mor faith in myself but i know it would be true. Maybe its time i go talk to my counselor for Earth science and she what she thinks about this and maybe suggest it as a good opening for a Capstone project my senior year(which means waiting a long ass time for it!).
New Notes living below your Ex is excruciatingly annoying. Not really but i miss hanging out with him an at the moment I'm very tempted to go up stairs and ask for him. I know hes there because hes playing is guitar rather loudly. Its quiet nice to hear him play since he kind of stopped at the end of last quarter and it normally quiet relaxing to hear someone play cords for an hour or so if that then mess around with tunes. I severely miss his friendship. I think i said that already but its very true and bugs me allot. I mean i like the guy fine still and all even to the point that i would definitely take him back if he wanted to date me again, but its hard loss a friendship that was there for half a year so suddenly and totally. We still tal, yeah, but its not the fun talks we used to have or talk like we had when we went to the merry-go-round by Thimm Labs. I've also come to the disicion that I'm not fully meant to have a relationship without being overboard or not into it at all. I'm and all or nothing kind of person. (need passion anyone cuz I've got tons!!) I just have to wait till i find that connection i seem to crave. ::sigh:: i don't think its right that i feel guilty for my actions with him, but i do. I don't think its right that i went comatose for two weeks but i did. I don't think its right that i was rejected because of a time conflict but i was, am, i don't now and i don't like not knowing. I thin too much for my own good and have dreams and goals only another dreamer can imagine. I focus my life on my long term goals but cant ever seem to make a short term commitment meet to its full potential.
~Crashing~
I want to change but have no idea how to deviate from my current crash course.
Following a set code only seen to my minds eye
I'm carabeaning from cliffs that would daunt even the worlds best climbers
Gravity has made me as light as a feather but left me hard like steel
Crashing my way through problems undefined like a tsunami crushing an island
I following nothing but my own dreams and goals while the world goes around me
How could i change the course of this tsunami, deviate from an unknown path, give in
I will crash with a force unknown and slowly pull together just to do it again

~Lost in the Music~

2007-04-09T22:41:00.000-07:00

the rhythms are beating through my soul
finally letting go of my chains to move
feeling my passion twirl an twist from me
the music an I becoming one entity
steps fall faster then slower intensity rising
letting every wrong and right was away in bliss
forgetting the world in a whirl of notes

~Exaplanations~

2007-04-07T23:15:00.000-07:00

I would explain to you who i am
but not much would be behind those words
to explain you would have to see
see through my eyes and walk in my shoes
you would never understand the words
or how the tears have mingles with blood
I would show you my deepest thoughts
but your mind could not processes them
I'm deep like the ocean where the depths are black
you could never imagine the beginnings
or how the fears formed in the first place
If i could explain who i am you would not know me
you would be left with a shattered image

~Fading angel~

2007-04-06T15:56:00.000-07:00

I see the wings you have
As the halo you wear is slipping
A prayer answered with pain
Once so pure but innocence is lost

I saw your wings begin to fade
As the halo broken in pieces
No prayer is utter through your lips
Once so faithful now faithless

I wish for wings like you had
As I look for a halo not for me
My prayers long forgotten
Ones so full of hope left hopeless

~Dying words~

2007-04-06T00:45:00.000-07:00

I'm missing your laugh so much tonight
I hear it in my mind as you type to me
You've stopping saying all the words right
About how your day was a mess and how there's a we
I don't know what to think anymore, its all white
Pure intentions like the growing of a tree
The tree is killing little flowers by blocking out the light
Like those flowers I'm dying to be
I want to be pushed away, oh how you were right
I'm dying again as the string attached to you strangles me

~Broken Shell~

2007-04-04T23:46:00.000-07:00

a coat of sticky slime encompasses me
as I lie to you the guilt betrays me
giving away that my soul is not yet healed
I'll hold your hand but it no you I want
with every smile the scum i wear thickens
I want to scrap is off but it just gets thicker
you pulled me from an abyss yet i falter
wanting to fall back into the dark you saved me from
as I lie to you my smile grows weaker
a broken shell of a person you've seen the light in

~Stasis~

2007-04-02T21:46:00.000-07:00

A new begging is all I'm asking for
reaching for like a bud waking to morning sun
how I'm waiting for that newest door to open
impatiently awaiting new knowledge and love

A dance only I can see is forming
on the verge of placing those first steps
balanced on tip-toes for the beat of the music
thundering like my heart beat I'm waiting

I'll wait till my soul has left me to begin
if needed I'll hold this stasis for you
to show that I have my new begging held tight
I wont miss the beat this time, I'll be perfect
(pic is from Deviant art by ThirstyEye)

memories hurt

2007-03-25T20:44:00.000-07:00

I truly wish there was a way to just permanently forget things. As much as mistakes help you to grow they also take away things that we don't want them to. I mean how is being an emotional wreck for weeks helpful to anyone? sad thing is that not many people even want to see it, and those that do just want you to see past it and move on. IF only moving on were as easy As writing one poem or crying one night. But how is any of that going to help? it really doesn't. The only cure is time, always time. I hate time. Time makes things too slow or too fast or not even at all. Time takes away people you love and offers your things you can not believe. Unbelievable things normally are just that, not true. They are the things that leave you the most broken in the end. That is a lesson so not worth learning on your own, but we all do. So I'm moving forward as I'm dragged backwards so i move no where. I stay stagnant, living in a still pool. i miss the ripples of life. If only we didn't dream i would have been safe from remembering. Vivid dreams are worth a million words, and even more feelings. I wish i could just forget all of those. They have little comfort for me and even less respect for my sanity(though that was lost years ago). For being alive of only 2 decades i feel old. The older i get the heavier the world feels and the more my uniqueness and happiness are being dragged down. I need to find a way to fell happy again that is just me. Newest goal is to find eternal happiness within myself and smile everyday i can.

~Fin~

2007-03-25T20:19:00.000-07:00

I finally thought I was over this
past the tears falling down cheeks
beyond the hurt deep within my chest
gone from the memories I had wished

I finally slept with out you holding me
past how your smile made my day brighter
beyond how connected I felt we were as we talked
gone away from the concepts of this we

I finally thought I was over this
past the heartbreak and sadness
beyond letting memories kill me
gone from crying myself to sleep with what I wished

~red sand~

2007-03-17T22:54:00.000-07:00

explaining the reasons behind the chaos
how I've ripped my heart open a million times
with every time i die another me is reborn
there is no underlying secret to my madness
i am just me fitting the squared piece in a round hole

essentially i pass no trial without a sacrifice
giving up the pieces of my heart has become easy
the red life seeping from the wound refreshes me
with every pump another drop is lost and i die
i die slowly in a way that no one can see me fade

escaping the hell of my own mind by any way possible
finding the trail that has lead me to my destiny
left as a wreck on the beach i pray for the answers
allowing chaos to overflow my mind in all its being
i am dying for being myself an unique grain of sand on a homogeneous beach

Long night + poem

2007-03-15T03:11:00.000-07:00

i let go of you every day
yet every night i dream of you
how you talked to me for hours
the never ending conversations
even those hidden smiles i caught

i let go of you every day
while you let go weeks ago
how i miss your laugh
the way it made your whole face shine
either way I've lost that part of you

i let go of you every day
yet every night its you i want holding me
how tears falling down my cheeks
the memories of you too strong in my mind
every night i have to say good bye again

i let go of you every day
yet every moment i can spare your there
how my thoughts linger on you
the lack of the ability to let go
every second reliving that pain

Its been a long night No one knows that i cant sleep because i hate missing your presence. The nights i sleep the best are because I'm too tired to care anymore. I act so strong all day but by midnight i feel so alone without you. How was i supposed to know that i was attached so soon! I did not want to be attached to you. Being attached was not the goal. Its not even about the physical relationship we had. I miss how we used to walk and talk. You were the one person that cared in my life that was right here, right now. How am i supposed to replace another best friend? its impossible, i hope you know that. I could ind anyone and throw myself into a relationship, but you were different just like the ones before. I wear my heart on my sleeve and i guess that's a good thing because obviously i cant read myself that easily. I don't like missing you. I hate forming dependencies on people. I used to be so independent. I was free of all restrictions in a sense that way. Now i just feel like as i et older i get emptier and emptier. As i give more of my heart away to people i lose just as much from others pulling them away. Internally I'm so broken. I can no longer tell where the broken pieces were and where i have to go to put them back together. I'm living without being complete and i dint know how to comply to these circumstances. I'm lost to the world in so many ways. I can throw myself into anything that comes my way to forget the ache i feel, but it only dulls the pain. Everyone always says i over react to emotional stuff. I dint think i over react so much as i put my all behind every bond i form and for everyone of those bonds broken that piece of me breaks with it. How can one heart take so much heart ache? It took me two years to piece my life back together and become the person you first met on the Internet. How i was always so glad to see you on in the early hours. Again i state that miss our talks. You've always had a way to make me laugh or see the optimistic point of view. I don't know how to give that up, but i guess I'll have to if i keep dying every night when you forget me or refuse to hang out I know your busy , we all are. The thing that hurts is that i know your going with other people. Oh its such a small world. I want to stop hurting I want to stop caring. How can i form this shell i need? i have no clue but its already starting. I've been receding everyday more and more even as i open more an more. how i just don't want to feel anything more tonight, to make the tears stop, to sleep without waking thinking your there, to smile and not feel like its fake, to just feel and know that its showing through my mask. This night has been too long and morning is already beginning to form in my mind.

~Holding On~

2007-03-14T00:00:00.000-07:00

~Holding On~
I'm holding on to long
grieving for something barely had
unwilling to give you up
how this stubbornness hurt me
you cant see this
anymore than you saw the tears
i need to let go but I'm unwilling
my minds numb from the torture
just shun me and forget i exist
its so hard to see you
across the way you smiled
i melted again and cried
I've held on to long again
grieving something i barely had
good bye to the dreams
hugs to the pain they caused
kisses to the phantom left behind

~Lives Blood~

2007-03-12T01:15:00.000-07:00

This kills me slowly
like thorns dragging at me
waiting for you to find yourself
i never wanted to wait again
it kills me to see you
laughing with other people
all the while you ignore me

This is killing me so slowly
as my lives bloody flows
from wounds unseen making me die
i refuse to take this anymore
stop being selfish and open those eyes
your silence to me is like a parasite
eating away at my mind
it kills me to see you with others
why cant you let me be what you promised

This kills me more than you know
the more you push me away
the faster I'm dying
being ignored is not something ill take
open those eyes of yours!

see the pain as you walk by me sans greeting
i wont let your forget that promise
you promised my friendship
i wont let that go
please don't ignore me as you have
its killing me faster every day

~The Clues Left Unseen~

2007-03-09T20:28:00.000-08:00

~The clues left unseen~
give me a clue to were everything lays between us
i can hold nothing over you without reason
you left me for my own good
its just the shock that its wearing off now
gone are the times of getting to now each other
now i feel like were so far apart it wont matter
your heart wasn't in it, was that obvious in some way
i was not played like a fiddle for your enjoyment
more like a friend left to be lost at sea in a storm
where are the clues to this plot line i live
i could break no boundaries before they're made
missing the sound of your voice and your touch
so lonely now its like your miles away
yet we're separated only by a floor and that stake you placed here
don't push me away in hopes that it will make it easier
the harder you push the faster i fall away
consumed by the void of my mind
give me a clue as to were we lie with each other

~FaultLines~

2007-03-09T04:09:00.000-08:00

~FaultLines~
All the words in my head have come out too late
how i questioned our actions but did not say it
wish i had not pushed so hard for reassurance
letting physical need override my knowledge
with all these questions in my mind i let go
instincts carrying out desires deeply ingrained

All my thoughts were floating away as we kissed
the world faded away for those few hours of the day
how empty i feel now without you to talk to
my reassurance, my groundedness in life gone away
pushed away by my inability to voice my thoughts
wish i had broken my silence an seen beyond the surface

All we had in such a short time was for nothing
how i questioned the what ifs of our decision
wish i had spoken my mind the thousand times it screamed
letting go of self control just felt so right
wilting now as i find the faults of our short romance
how will you ever forgive me my faults and talk to me again

~Drag of the sea~

2007-03-09T00:13:00.000-08:00

~Drag of the Sea~
Starring out the window towards the sea
how i wish i were there feeling its lull
i want to feel whole again but cant
the pieces have flown on the air to far
unable to pull myself back together
left to drift like a single grain of sand
refusing to sink into the depths
pulled by the currents of the ocean
endless circles dragging at me slowly
eventually ill land on shore
sighing to myself and i wipe the tears away
i wish i were at the sea being calmed
wrapped int he crashing of the waves
released by of these feelings like the shore
drained slowly of the tiny grains of sand sitting on it
(Pic from Deviantart by littlemewahtever)

~All Alone~

2007-03-07T00:47:00.000-08:00

crying all alone
not strong enough
falling apart inside
you didn't see the tears
or how the pain ripes
too proud to fall
living in a shell
forming an ocean
my pillow is soaked
too strong to break
you wont see this pain
how it ripes me apart
or how the tears fall
leaving me awake
too strong is my pride
as the facade crumbles
you'll see my tears
exposed to the wounds
see the broken pride
are you happy i finally broke?

~Trying to Forget~

2007-03-07T00:29:00.000-08:00

laying here my bed is so empty
i can not forget your presence
how your arm rested around my waist
so short a time of comfort
how could you hold me that way
i can not forgive this so fast
laying here as tears pour out
i can not understand why i hurt
how could you not feel for me back
so long i waited for a fake
how your lips meet mine all a lie
i can not forget your eyes
laying here so empty as i cry for you

~Giving in~

2007-03-06T20:44:00.000-08:00

I don't want to exist in this world anymore
the pressures hitting me are too much
breaking away my barriers with every blast

i cant exist in this world anymore
my essence has already been destroyed
right before my eyes I'm dying

i wont exist in this world anymore
I've hidden away in the shadows
lost to everything they wanted of me

~Hiding Again~

2007-03-05T23:02:00.000-08:00

your hiding from me again
leaving me guessing at words
you leave them unfinished
we are unfinished tottering
up and down this life goes
agreeing on this friendship
left alone to support it
your hiding from me again
were my words so harsh to you
is my smile to fake to handle
will you just come back to talk
tell me the thing you used to
stop hiding behind your door
i wont break as long as you speak

~Oh Teacher~

2007-03-05T22:09:00.000-08:00

my brain is dying
slowly eaten away
dragged down by this
oh teacher break me faster
make my dreams further away
tell me how i will fail
hollow my soul with pointless facts
my brain is slowly dying
torn apart bit by bit
replaced with a computerchip
oh teacher you've broken me
now i just tell you what you want
left with broken dreams and facts

Heart Strings

2007-03-04T23:49:00.001-08:00

so give me a sign and show me how wrong i am
by proving to my heart that i should not care
delete all the pain that I'm hording inside
make me see through the rose tinted glasses you wear

give me a blessing and make me live again
explain all the complexities of my mind in simple phrase
scrapping away all the scars like dried glue on the table
make me feel the softness of the ocean breeze

so give me a sign and show me how right you are
take that knife and cut out the red string that connects us
remove every sweet word you whispered in me ear
make this heartache finally disappear

~art by strawberrygina on deviantart.com~

In charge of my own fate

2007-03-01T23:04:00.000-08:00

freedom, oh how i wish i could feel free. like there was nothing holding me back from my dreams or wants. shining like the sun on mountains raveling in its own joy of being. How can i ever be free? i am always held down my ropes, restrictions, fears. I remember once when i was little i told my dad that i wasn't scared of the world, how far i have fallen in a decade an a half. I run away from everything now, it just always seems easier than facing the truths. The truths that i am scared, of everything. I'M terrified of the future because its always so uncertain even though i know exactly where i want to in it. I'm even more scared of the past and how it always catches up to me, making it so hard to let go and move on in life. Most frightening is the present. A time in which every second counts and one wrong step out of line in this rigid dance people call an education can cost me my everything, my knowledge.
The lost of knowledge would be the greatest loss i could ever imagine.I made a promise to never give that up and to keep trying;so why do i keep acting like a terrified horse rearing at the trees in the wind? How did i loss that pride i had in myself that made me strong and stubborn? By letting the actions of others dictate who i am, i lost myself. I buried the strong energetic child in hopes that a new person would move forward, it never has. In the time i was to grow i was restricted by invisible ropes. The binded my heart to another and thus i became what i had to. I lost piece by piece day by day the strength to fight back. Then i broke.I broke into to so many tiny pieces that i was left with a blank canvas to recreate my heart and soul.
Bit by tiny bit Ive become stronger, more powerful, a force to be reckoned with. Yet, still there are fears holding me, rooting me to old habits of giving away pieces of myself. I know now, two decades into my life, that people are never constants. We all change, move on, grow up, cure broken hearts. How to do these things i know will take longer to leaner. As hard s the lessons are on these things i have one constant, the ability to recreate a blank canvas and try again. For when one door closes many others open up opportunities that you might have never imagined. So, the boy might have broke your hart but you can fix in a slow process. A loved one might pass to the realm of Heaven to watch over you and you must endure for they are now a guiding light for you. The lesson that as an adult you are responsible for ever action of your own and that it affects everyone around you negative or positive is hard to accept ,yet still very true. Lastly, accepting change in your life is hard, its hurts, it make you confused, frustrated. All those things that you which you could just stop feeling at that moment in time,but it like the clouds has little designating its path than the currents of the air and fate. For in the end we are the currents of our own fates. Designating the paths we will walk down and what risk we are willing to take. So as master of my fate i bow to ropes, fears, restrictions. I will love with all i am, speak with the convictions i feel, and act as my heart desires.

~Thunder~

2007-02-27T23:08:00.000-08:00

~Thunder~
with the thunder comes a new revalation
where your eyes could not hold mine
when your hand no longer reaches to me
how your smile refuses to reach your eyes
with excuses you break this crumbling foundation
push me away like the fly on the lemonade
going cold after acting like my insulator
with thunder come the truth

~Unseen Path~

2007-02-23T16:14:00.000-08:00

I'm traveling in a haze
A void of grayness
Uneasy I travel this road
Pulling between it all
An unseen fight raging
Competing for focus
The darkness calling
With comfort of routine
While a light fights subtly
Pulsing ever stronger
Leaving this grey void
I'm travel a road unseen

~Taste of Salt~

2007-02-22T14:22:00.000-08:00

~Taste of Salt~
A constant reminder of the sea
Eyes reminiscent of sea glass
So smooth is your touch like water
Every taste of your skin holds me
Salty like the waters I'm so enamored with
Making my emotions calm in your presence

A constant reminder of my oasis
Embracing me and making me feel fragile
Consoling with strong yet bubbling tones
Enfolding me in my entirety
The reminder I'm a grain of sand in this life
While making me fall more and more for your beauty

~Cry for Help~

2007-02-16T21:51:00.000-08:00

come save me from this drownding
this falling through the void
so much to take in and not enough time

drownding in my emotions
fading away once again
save me from my inner self

so blank of thought and life
left on my own to fade away
falling faster through the void

come save me from the inevitable
my own thoughts eating me alive
save me before i fade away to nothing

~Sweet Valentine~

2007-02-15T01:15:00.000-08:00

~Sweet Valentine~
your every heartbeat goes with mine
laying here on the floor talking
your arms around me holding me
the soft smell of you enticing me
how with every gentle caress
a shock is sent through my body
I'd respond in kind to your soft kisses
so sinful its like tasting heaven
velvet touches and strong embraces
how i wish this night has never ended

~Breath~

2007-02-11T21:27:00.000-08:00

your heart is beating so fast
the pulse in your neck so strong
beating so hard as your breath shortens
beating out a staccato matching mine
the music of our hearts mixing
as one rises the other falls perfectly in tune

soft touches trying to memorize every curve
lingering at times lavishing me with care
the taste of salt from your skin lingers
breath hitching as your fingertips touch mine
breathing to an unknown rhythm of a bass
lost to the sinful taste of each other
as we rise and fall like the waves of the sea

~Wrapped up in you~

2007-02-11T01:54:00.000-08:00

~wrapped up in you~
wrapped up in you intensely staring
seeing within your soul to your depths
bodies moving as one in the passion
as the moments move on kisses linger
touches ached to be felt once again
so wrapped up in you I'm going insane

~Breaking the cycle~

2007-02-05T09:16:00.000-08:00

~Breaking the cycle~
so sick of this cycle
wanting to break out
feeling so trapped
lost to too many emotions
i feel the whole of it
i want to comfort
but my words fail me
i can say sorry again
but that wont change things
the cycle is never ending
never to be broken
damn by a god of vengeance
to live and die
be born only to decompose
I'm always here for you
as long as you need me
ill linger at the edges
supporting you today
catching you tomorrow
please don't fall down
let the pieces so recently
drawn together to keep
lets break this cycle
don't fall apart on me
stay as solid as diamonds
loving like today is your last
lets break this Divine cycle

~Dancing with You~

2007-02-04T00:36:00.000-08:00

~Dancing with You~
i want to dance with your laughter
as it sparkles around me
twisting paths unseen in my mind

your understanding so intriguing
leaving me wondering what it is
your thinking when you look at me

i want to dance with you in the night
as we laugh at the twinkling of the stars
twirling along paths only we see

your hands supporting my every move
our bodies moving in perfect tandem
knowing your minds thoughts of us

i want to never stop seeing your smile
sweet as the soul that gives it birth
laying those lips to min so softly

your thoughts blending perfectly with mine
pulling us in new directions freely
following no set path but being free as one

~Still Crying~

2007-02-03T20:19:00.000-08:00

~Still Crying~
repeatedly they tell me the pain will fade like the fog in morning
promising i'd not cry has only left me with wet tear tracks at your name
talking of you passing causing a renewed sense of defeat
unable to condem your early passing but saying it was a blessing
the blessing that is still breaking my heart to remember
heartbreak for a lover is easier than this in so many ways
reminders of your life following me pushing me onward
my promises of never giving up pulling new ambitious out of me
i loved you for everything you were Uncle, Father, Brother,Son

~Your Ghost~

2007-02-02T17:15:00.000-08:00

~Your Ghost~
i hide little from you I hold nothing back
when asked i respond with truth leaking from my lips
i do not give my secrets freely i give them when they're needed
you hold back so much its seems that your burdened
your past either haunting you or insecurities overwhelming
when asked will you respond in kind to my truths
if i kissed your cheek would you turn away from me
i agreed to something false only to feel its truth
can you hold me tight an whisper words so soft
calling my name in you sleep is it me or a figment of passing
I've become your nightly ghost sharing in your fears
transgressions moving forward that we can not stop now
kiss my lips this night and taste of me the truths i tell
taste the truth of my pain longing and patients for you
run your hands along the scars of those before you
heal them or break open the hurts they've left me with
i am your ghost of the night haunting your dreams
i will hide little from you once asked for the truth

~spinning~

2007-02-02T01:40:00.000-08:00

~spinning~
the spinning has been slowing
allowing our two bodies closer
still longing to taste your kiss
doing the tango to unheard music
we move closer barely touching
ghosting each others feelings
arms snaking around my waist
holding me closer than before
the soft smell of you skin
still unknown is the ending
as the spinning begins to slow

~Broken~

2007-01-29T23:54:00.000-08:00

~broeken~
the demands of life are causing me failures
breaking my body with grueling works
beating down my soul till it is thread-bare
with every heart beat a new pain is reviled
wasting away as food no longer offers nourishment
wanting little but love and life in retrospect

~Death passing~

2007-01-26T22:02:00.000-08:00

~death passing~
Yet another death passes thrugh my life
not close to my heart but close one who is
the pain she must feel at the horrid loss
i want to help her not feel torn up inside
but how can i when i still am torn to bits
wanting to give her support in any fashion
unwilling to let the tears for her life fall
the life she had riped from her too soon
so unfair to the worst degree
rising the voices of amazing grace
singing the emotions of the torn soul
leading our greiveing lifes forward
encompassing her to keep her sane
one of my dearest friends is being broken
and i can no longer fix her sorrows for they are also mine

rambling

2007-01-26T01:48:00.000-08:00

the boy holds me solidly than i could have thought. were so simialr but so diferent it so nice to have someon to talk to about everything!god and hes such a sweet person!! how the did i get so damn lucky!well now i sleep

~untitled~

2007-01-25T19:51:00.000-08:00

how will we grow together
drowning in so many ways
helping eachother float
encouraging the under loved

can we make the promises
hold to that standards set
going forth into this world
destined to be torn apart

holding tight to you internally
balanced is the outcome
centered in ways unknown
quiet of mind an soul

not hiding these pretenses
honesty formost in trust
smiles just for u and me
questions similairly placed

rambling

2007-01-24T23:52:00.000-08:00

im sittng here at 8till midnight thinking of everything and yet nothing at all. I want to call the boy that has been in my thoughts all day because my mind is soo much more still while im with him. Then i dont want to be with him at all because of the things i always think adn pretend to do but dont. I am a coward in every sense of the word. I rather live in the world of my mind were things are so much more simplictic but alas im unable to fall into that rabbits hole. Im really cold again, it was sucha beautiful day and i was so warm while i layed in the sun after i had lunch(the only meal today :-/)while i shuffled cards thinking. i want to walk the beach with him agan and again till every thought ive ever conceived is brought to the surface and put on displace for him to know and talk of. His sincerity is awe inspiring. I woder if he is just to innocent to even know my whole mind. maybe the world is. its best to keep ones mind to oneself when you ahve no clue were it is the thoughts you think surface from. I want to write more because i feel lighter when i have written but then again my heart is my sleeve if you look close enough. Im broke, i woder if i ahve always been this way. i always want the impossible in life love career mind. who knows maybe those high goals will one day be fullfiled. i dont sleep well most nights now, i wonder what it is about ym dreams that wakes me so that i lay for hours not thinking just taking in the quiet of the early morning. one of these days i need to wach that sunrise and find my peace with it, just because it brings another day does not make it the enemy, more so it makes it a timless companion and confidant. long days should conclude with tired minds, i tihnk my mind just speeds up till i collapse into bed to wake hours later having not felt sleep in any way. ::sigh:: imust try to sleep now, being awake for 20 hrs is too much for any one soul in this horrid life

~thoughts~

2007-01-19T20:55:00.000-08:00

~thoughts~
so little thoughts
just imagining you
the sweet smile
how you laugh
i noticed you
before i even knew

so little thoughts
images flashing by
windy beaches
badly lite pubs
comofrting living rooms
if only youd come here

so little thoughts
breaking every nerve
we're just here
left to deal
come here wont you
i need you with me

Ruptured Rhapsody

2007-01-18T22:55:00.000-08:00

Ruptured Rhapsody
a vert thought provokeing blog on childhood an life

~Slipping~

2007-01-18T22:21:00.000-08:00

~slipping~
i feel you slip away even as i see you so close
holding your close is just a dream i hold
telling myself i can one day stand beside you
you could do so much better than me
yet i hold on faithfully as you slip away
not knowing where this is going at all
spiralling out of control in so many ways
i feel you slipping from my grasp
even though we've barely ever touched
what can i do to keep you
you, who has never been mine
i want you for you even though your not mine

~Doomed~

2007-01-17T21:10:00.000-08:00

~Doomed~
doomed to wait for you understanding
willing you to read my mind to see it
holding back the tidal wave of emotions
tossing and turing in the uncertainty
damned to not know your answers
swearing that trying harder pushes too hard
trying to belive my own lies staring me in the face
wilting like a flower dying for water
i die waiting for your answers
fearing all is lost and my hopes shattered
doomed to be consumed by emotions constantly

~Too Long~

2007-01-14T22:30:00.000-08:00

~Too Long~
you've left me wondering too long
hiding behind your walls, so sad
you're face was what kept me going
holding me higher because of your smile

you've pulled my strings too hard
playing me as your puppet so easily
you're fingers drawing me on in longing
waiting for your touch on my skin

you've smiled too many smiled at me
mistaking me as naive and blind to you
your flirting left me breathless so many times
longing to be that one but knowing i wont be

~Done~

2007-01-12T22:39:00.000-08:00

~Done~
the irrelevance of our talking its specatular
as your eyes will never meet mine straight

you move as to get closer and pull away
making sure that contact is on the edge of reality

the talking no longers holds me firm to you
needing more im straying in my thoughts

in need of touch im afraid to push you further
almost holding hands or touching shoulders is harder every time

im straying and i wonder if you even care anymore
getting to know you is a blessing turned to a curse

cursed to long for more and never recive such
waiting for those lips to embrace mine without luck

ive waited as long as is possible to wait
faithful even in our friendship just to you

goodbye these thoughts of goodness being right
doomed to never have that love i long for

~Endless doubting~

2007-01-11T00:21:00.000-08:00

~Endless doubting~
Why is it that my love is so endless whilst yours never seems to start?
I let you break my heart every time our eyes meet and you smile
Our laughter is what allows me life and power to move forward
The stars call it a perfect match our souls so alike and fierce
But our cards read hesitance and misplaced abilities from the past
Which of us will break this saddening spell of friendship to more
Our bravery leaves us both in our time of need and leaves scars
Upon my mind you lay a heavy thought always drifting to the front
Kinder souls wrong cards and our smiles twinkling like diamonds
Will my heart forever be broken by you in this beautifully sad friendship?
Or will you my beloved dark haired friend turn those eyes to me in love

~Woman or Friend~

2007-01-07T01:14:00.000-08:00

i wait for you to tell me
to tell me you'll be mine
im waiting to love you
holding back my beatin heart
as it pounds like a bass drum

i wait for you to move on
from whatever holds you tied
im waiting to feel your lips
not lettings myself lose you
just for one fatal kiss

i wait for you to speak my name
with lust filled eyes
im waiting to embrace you
laying awake wondering
what your body next to mine would feel like

i wait for you
oh so long im waiting
im waiting my life away
day and night crying for you
to see me as a woman instead of a friend

~New Year~

2006-12-31T23:49:00.000-08:00

~New Year~
not knowing who we are till breaking
falling apart at the seams
mind always racing with thoughts

questions of self and loathing
failing every goal set forth
hating what Ive become

not knowing who you are till its too late
passing that point of no return long ago
failing, hating,crying, dying inside

smiling is harder everyday glued in place
the mask is slipping away with the tears
shattering with recognition of self

not knowing who we are till we've broken
as the pieces lay throw across the floor
a mirror of the deceptive lies we've told and believed

~Split Family~

2006-12-09T22:24:00.000-08:00

Perfect family always happy
broken always down the middle
a hidden war raging under the surface

smiles flashing around everyone
yelling and screaming in the void of home
never ending circle of facades

happiness only in public
hidden tears rolling down
music loud enough to drowned it out

perfect family always loving
hugs and love seen in your eyes
threats and insults in my safe place

no scars to prove the anger
hidden mind that never speaks
perfect child hidden in the room

Pointless apologizes and promises
damage not able to to be repaired
love beyond all swallowed by anger

Perfect family split in two
right down the middle
leaving the crying child to linger in between

talking till im tired

2006-12-09T00:18:00.000-08:00

I should sleep, but i cant or maybe its wont. I'm not sure of why i cant sleep. I'm excited for My trip, maybe that's whats keeping me up. I miss Cole already and wish we would have had more time just hanging out. I wish he would just not be so shy, but at the same time i like that shyness. Its all so confusing. I wish he was online right now. I really do have allot to say to him without fear that I'll run into him when i leave my room an turn bright red. He hugged me for the first time on Weds. It was kinda stiff an stuff but i think we were both a bit awkward, which is sad. He gave me the most awesome gift though! He got my Montey Python and the holy grail ^_^ way awesome and sweet in the sense that we had talked about it and i had said that i had a need to watch it eventually and he actually listened, that's something new in my life. I wonder if when we stopped hugging i was bright red... i felt like i was =( i hope not because weal i blush to much. My minds being way complicated. I don't know why its doing that too. I woner what I'm supposed to consider him. I mean were not like BF/GF really... i guess its just complicated, hmmm, that's sounds about right complicated is probably the best word for my life and situations and all that. I got a C in Marine Geology. It maes me sad that i couldn't get a better grade. Maybe if someone would have been a bit More helpful or there had been a bit more understating about my Uncles death and me missing classes for it. But the what ifs are over know considering that i got the C in the class. I'm happy i passed i just, whatever . I want to know my math grade and world societies grade.I hate waiting for grades its nerve racking! I'm excited for my trip, i think already said this. I'm going to Puerto Vallarta for 7 days. I get to sit on a beach int he sun and trun tan and relax and do nothing. I don't get to be yelled at to clean my room, do chores, wake up early if i don't want to, feel pressured to be perfect. Maybe that's why i feel so great around Cole he has no expectations of me that he has made known at least. i want to go walk the beach right now and clear my head but A) Cole i like 2 hrs away B) Im at home and thst not kool with my parents (the whole taking off at midnight) C)its raining.... im tired now im gonan go count sheep till i sleep

2006-12-08T00:11:00.000-08:00

growing older we notice the little things
the hugs we get from our favorite people
the soft smell of some soap on thier person
how they smile makes you feel light

crappy crap crapperss i cant write when given a topic i suck at this poetry stuff

failing life

2006-11-26T00:31:00.000-08:00

Why do i let myself get fixated on stuff? i don't know and i wish i did. how long can one person go asking the question, "what am i doing wrong in this?" I wish i could just ask straight out, but being me I'm too terrified of the answer to ask the question. Courage is a trait i lack, as much as people say otherwise. I need courage more than i need my useless fears. I fear rejection the most right now. How long can he like me? it only too a few months for the last one to get bored with me and as much as id like to say it was his fault i know its mostly my own. I'm not meant i have happiness for long periods of time. I learned my lesson with being happy for a long time; it was just a one big lie. How do you lie to yourself? oh its SOP easy! being delusional all the time makes life so much easier, but the long you go with the lies the harder your mind pushes the truth forward and its hurts more and more till you break. I cant break right now, i cant handle reaching that point and all the questioning is hard on my poor mind. I probably sound like a crazy person(mainly cuz i am) but also cuz i have a mind that doesn't work in a normal thought process, i uses that's just life for me though. my minds SO full of questions its hard to think even or sleep or eat. i cant function half the time. i know I'm reach in that point where I'm going to break and i just hope that i don't fall apart as bad as i did this summer, i don't have the time to put myself together without failing in some area of life. i guess I've already failed at most of life.. cant hurt too bad to fail even more
::sigh::

~Moon lite Dancer~

2006-11-25T21:19:00.000-08:00

~Moon lite Dancer~
moving with sounds no one can hear
sweet melodies rocking my body
twirling in utter joy of life

soft pastels painting my soul
covering a canvas as i move
smiling to the heaven's stars

moonlight softening my path
smooth movements overlapping
moving passing effortlessly

enjoying being lost in the sensation
missing the freedom of flight
the moments of dancing

~Lost to the White~

2006-11-22T22:35:00.000-08:00

~Lost to the White~
so confused by this life
living is jest not that important anymore
walking as blank as a brand new canvas
someone paint my life into being
create colors in this black and white sketch
bring life excitement and pleasure
not pain and hate
someone bring me life
hold me tight as i forget to breath
blank as a white canvas in a white room
lost to the implications of sterility
jaded beyond all repair
so confused is my soul
black bleeding white
white bleeding black
battling within but never telling
so confused beyond any return
lost to the sterility of hopelessness

~angle without a halo~

2006-11-22T11:41:00.000-08:00

~angle without a halo~
between black and white i wander
in a grey no one knows
lost in my own imagination
void of thoughts

wandering a path set before me
unquestioning undoubted of it
welcoming the silence of my thoughts
pushing forward without vices

blending with the good and bad
unforgiving of my sins
stronger without wanting it
weaker as i don't fight against this

an angle without a halo
a devil with white wings
deceptive smiles and laughs
tears not shed held within me eyes

between black and white i wander
unforgiving of my faults
not living in any form
wanting to live in anyway

~Future in the Stars~

2006-11-22T00:36:00.000-08:00

~Future in the Stars~
in the stars lay a future
untested like the deep sea
not tamed like lion
timed as the bird

my destiny lays before me
planned in uncharted waters
laying dormant till I'm called
waiting for the stars to sing

in the stars lays a future
not dark or light in nature
hidden beneath the currents
I'm charted to sail this path unknown

~Fading Away~

2006-11-21T20:28:00.000-08:00

~Fading Away~
is it wrong of me to want to ask you what we are?
hiding in the dark far from the answers
blending together without proof an insurgence

am i wrong in wanting you,the whole you?
the one staring at is hands in nervousness
who could easily hold my heart in his hand

who are you to not make the first move?
making the "what ifs" grow further
making My fear of rejection louder

what can i do to have to see I'm different?
cut out my heart and hand it to you bleeding
dying to touch you in more than just a brush of skin

is it wrong of me to want to ask you what we are?
as you smile your smile and send me melting
waiting for you to tell me what my soul wishes

please i beg as i lie here wanting wishing hoping
tell me of what we are so as i don't fade away
holding me close to your heart tell me the truths you know

~Hold me please~

2006-11-20T23:23:00.001-08:00

i hold my head high
as tear roll down my cheeks
i did the best i possibly could
as i shook with fright

i hold my head high
as pink stains my cheeks
i tried my hardest never gave up
as i lifted my hand to yours

i hold my head high
as you break my heart slowly
i held back too much
as you let my hand fall

i hold my head high
as proud as any women can be
i followed my heart and dreams
as i felt the pains of love

~song of longing~

2006-11-17T22:37:00.000-08:00

I sing my song of longing
Your unknowing ears fall deaf
As my words come out louder
Calling for you to hear them

I sing my song of longing
Knowing you fear its meaning
Implications of things unknown
Singing to draw you to me

I sing my song of longing
While you dance your dance
Jumping leaping away from my words
My song instilling fear and passion

I sing my song of longing
I utter my refrains
You dancing your jig of unknowing
Juggling fear and passion like a sword thrower

I sing my song of longing
As you walk your thin path
Unwilling to move from the middle
Unknowing of my pain

~caught~

2006-11-08T21:29:00.000-08:00

~caught~

i sit here crying
blood on my hands
crying to the heavens
for a new chance

i never knew you'd care
couldnt think outside your eyes
lost in your depths of your soul
forgetting who i am

i sit here crying
scars littered over me
reaching for release
wanding to feel

i never knew you'd love me
couldnt pull your lips away
cought in your arms
letting go of reality

i sit here crying
dying inside for you
broeken hearted tears
wanting to fall

i never knew you's break me
couldnt think you hurt me
forgetting who you were
hear left brokenad n bruised

~games~

2006-11-05T23:48:00.000-08:00

~games~
you shake me to my core
playing these games with me
unknowing of the things you make me feel

eliciting smiles from my lips
pulling peices of me together
yet leaving me to sit alone

play my heart like you song
slow and sorrowful full of melody
swingin with your tune

taughnting me with slight touches
moving closer to no avail
staring into my eyes to look away

hold my hand instead of looking at it
hug me close instead of dreaming it
love me instead of feeding me lies

~not asking~

2006-11-03T20:25:00.000-08:00

~Not asking~
The window to your soul
Closed like the cover of a book
Begging for me to open
Falling into its depths

Eyes drawing feelings I'm scared of
Shining in their warmth
Calling my heart across the table
Lost to your touch

Happiness radiating off of you
Like the rays of the sun on the earth
Rejoicing in you smiles
I'm struck by your beauty

Showing me wonders not known
Adventures gone and in the future
Enticing me to ask you
Can you care for me?

~dream~

2006-10-30T11:52:00.000-08:00

~Dream~
I dream of days long past
hurts never healed
fears never shattered

i dream in black adn white
my only color,red
deep and jewel bright like blood

He comes every night in those dreams
waking me in cold sweats
my personal vampire, sucking away my happiness

I dream of his face once beautiful
gone ugly grey and harsh
his lasting words," i'll never let go"

hold my heart as its thumps to its own tune
too scared to close my eyes, but to scared to open them
if only dreams could just never come true

~worth~

2006-10-20T00:48:00.000-07:00

~worth~
you mean more than heaven
to me your my rock
the reason i live

you mean so much you could not know
my only push to continue is you
the reason i fight

you mean more than the sky
to me you bring light to my darkness
the reason i strive to be good

you mean more than all the stars
to my dreams you bring meaning
the reason i have hope and faith

you mean more than God
to me you most of my heart
the reason i love you is you

i dont think i handle life... im scared im gonna fall back down my rabbits hole and fail out of school, lost all my friends again, and let myself go to the point to being nothing... If i wish i could take away the pain my uncle is feeling atleast a bit of it... he doesnt deserve to feel the pain. i just want him to have one miracle in his life time and for him pulling out of this and being pain free adn helthy would be so nice... ineed to sleep now

~tired~

2006-10-16T01:27:00.000-07:00

im tired but not sleepy... my life is full of confusion i guess tomorrows work will help bleh 4 hours till work... i guess im gonn have to suffer...my mind is just too full of stuff to sleep i dont think reading is gonna help either... i want to just talk him... its pathetic but its wahts bothering me the most.. the waht if's are the killers adn he is the largest one... ::sigh:: im happy one way or the other... i just want to know which way i have to be happy.. inbetween is harder than knowing... im pathetic sometimes...

~tired~
blu black cirlces under my eyes
lashes falling steadily down my cheeks
thoughts of you creeping into my mind

exhaustion cant even cure my need to know
half awake dreaming of your face
imagining your arms around me

restlss nights go by an by
string at te ceiling
your presence surrounds me

restless nights leave me longing
swearing that ill sleep
missing your calming voice

shadows growing under my eyes
ever increasing with thesee sleepless nights
couting sheep waiting for you to wake

should i just tell you
cant just wait till i die
terrified of your response

resless nights go by an by
staring at the ceiling
your presence surrounds me

~Newness~

2006-10-14T20:52:00.000-07:00

~Newness~
nerves wreck at my stomach
i want to ask the words
so scared i feel like fainting

Heart thumping against my chest
ready to look you in the eyes
words on my lips that die with your smile

wringing my hands
trying not to break unspoken boundries
so hard not to want to kiss you

feeling the beat of the music
moving slowly closer to you with each beat
if only the words would escape my lips

licking dry lips preparing my self for the hurt
wanting to ask you so badly
teriffied of the answers that will come from your purfect mouth
soo terrified of those few words

Truely Free

.....

Losing it over nothing

Life Quote

~Speaking~

Stronger

Bird Cage

black hole

~Enduring memories~

~*over my shoulder*~

ergnss

~Flaws~

rambling away

~Black Knight and Soft words~

.............

~My Haunting End~

~Lost Connection~

~Empty childs eyes~

~Long Ago~

~Just one more~

~Moving Forward~

~emotional vampire~

~Breaking it down~

~Old Promises~

Sunny Dreams

~Unraveled~

~remebering again~

How the might fall

~ cry~

~Lack of Sleep~

~SIn~

~Nature~

~Surrender~

~Not Simple~

SEA rant and ~Crashing~

~Lost in the Music~

~Exaplanations~

~Fading angel~

~Dying words~

~Broken Shell~

~Stasis~

memories hurt

~Fin~

~red sand~

Long night + poem

~Holding On~

~Lives Blood~

~The Clues Left Unseen~

~FaultLines~

~Drag of the sea~

~All Alone~

~Trying to Forget~

~Giving in~

~Hiding Again~

~Oh Teacher~

Heart Strings

In charge of my own fate

~Thunder~

~Unseen Path~

~Taste of Salt~

~Cry for Help~

~Sweet Valentine~

~Breath~

~Wrapped up in you~

~Breaking the cycle~

~Dancing with You~

~Still Crying~

~Your Ghost~

~spinning~

~Broken~

~Death passing~

rambling

~untitled~

rambling

~thoughts~

Ruptured Rhapsody

~Slipping~

~Doomed~

~Too Long~

~Done~

~over my shoulder~

~tired~